Vacation All I Ever Wanted

Next week I will be on vacation, or as they say around the office "on holiday". This is the first of two vacations we have planned for the summer. What exotic destination do we have on the calendar? Aruba, Jamaica ooo I wanna take ya, Bermuda, Bahama come on pretty mama, Key Largo, Montego, baby why don't we go, to Pittsburgh PeeeAaaaa. That's right the family and I will be whisked away for an eight day, seven night stay in da 'Burgh, where we'll enjoy all the mustaches, jean shorts and Long John Silver's we can find.

The first few days we'll be chillin' at my Mom's house, or should I say ma mum's hahse. She says she has an early birthday present for me. I thought I had everything they could possibly put a Steelers logo on including a cooking apron and wind chimes. That's right, I have Pittsburgh Steelers mother fucking wind chimes. You know how far into the merchandise catalogue you have to go before you get to the wind chimes? Please don't ever question my super fan status! Even with my extensive collection, I guess she's found something I don't have, maybe a Troy Polamalu Chia Pet, or a Big Ben enema kit. Stay tuned...

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After a few days at the old lady's house, we are heading over to my Uncle's fatty boombastic pad. Olympic-size heated pool, hot tub, crazy grub and open bar. Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, but it's a great way to spend a vacation. Wow, I should really go into the T-shirt slogan business. If I see a bunch of rednecks wearing this shirt in Panama City next year I'm coming after one of you for some royalty checks.

Every year at my Uncle's I line up the rafts and attempt to run across the pool like a modern day Jesus. In previous summers my attempts have all failed, but I think this could be my year. I've been feeling quite nimble lately, and that really is the key to a successful pool crossing. Well, that and Speedy Gonzales like quickness. Andele Andele, Ariba Ariba! SPLASH! Hijo de puta!

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This will probably be my last post for awhile, unless I decide to get out of the pool long enough to write something, but the Maragaritas will most likely impair any chance I have at putting a coherent sentence together. So if you see a post that starts like this you'll know why: ddue tihs is teh bste vaction evr! I lov all fo you. Thkns 4 reding my blof, even tho i'mm so faking we toddid.

At this time I'd like to introduce Pittsburgh's own, Donnie Iris to play me out of this bitch!

I see your lips and I wonder who's been kissin' them.

I never knew how badly I was missin' them.

We both know we're never going to make it,

but when we touch, we never have to fake it, Leah!