Feeling a Little Peevish

Ok, we've already addressed my annoying habits back in the OCD entry. Now it's time to turn the camera outward and highlight the annoying things that others do. We all got 'em and they go by the name of pet peeves. Feel free to leave me a comment with your PP's, and don't say people who blog about pet peeves. If you are guilty of any of these, just know that I am not talking about you. I'm talking about those other people.

People over the age of 12 who wear clothes with cartoon characters on them.
I understand that you may have a nostaligic affinity for Tweety Bird, but do you really need to tell the world by wearing a giant t-shirt with his likeness on the front? Do me a favor, put down the giant pretzel, the cigarette, take off the jean jacket that is 2 sizes too small and buy something age appropriate. Thanks!

People who take their dogs everywhere they go.
Traditionally, this is an older woman, possibly a widow, who feels the need to take her under-sized, shake and piss dog everywhere she goes. You see her on the road in her huge Crown Victoria, doing 45 in the passing lane, hands at 10 and 2, dark sunglasses, and a big ball of fur on her lap. Then, there they are at the Home Depot with little fluffy in the shopping cart, and God forbid anyone gets within 10 feet of the yapper, it will snarl and snap, as the owner smiles and mutters "Oh fluffy behave". Yeah, great dog you have there, maybe she wants a little anti-freeze with her treats.

This peeve is not limited to the elderly these days, with the likes of Paris Hilton promoting little dogs and giant purses, this irksome trend has been handed down to the younger generation. Nothing screams shallow, high-maintenance attention whore, like a twenty-something carrying her little yipster in her purse on her way to the tanning salon.

People who put retarded bumper stickers on luxury cars
So I'm driving in the usual DC traffic and I come up behind this Lexus with a huge bumper sticker that says "You're just jealous the voices talk to me". Am I? Not only did this mongoloid buy the bumper sticker, they then proceeded to think it was soooo funny that they needed to put it on their $40,000 car. "Hey Frank, check out is this bumper sticker? Isn't it a hoot? I'm buying it and putting it on the Lexus as soon as we get to the parking lot. Sheila will die when she sees it. You know, because Sheila has schizophrenia. In fact I'm getting her one to put on her Mercedes."

Case in point #2. I'm on my way home from work and come up behind this huge, shiny, black Hummer and it has not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4, not 5, but 6 of those round Marine logo stickers on it. Dude, I get it you're in the military. Thanks for protecting my freedom, but the stickers along with the "War Happens, Deal with It" t-shirt makes you look like a bit of a douche.

People who still write checks
It's 2008, you have two payment options cash or charge. Either get with the program or stay home. As soon as I see someone digging through their purse for a pen, I know I'm in for a painful checkout experience. They ask the cashier for the date, and then the cashier needs to see their driver's license and it's this whole ordeal. I was behind a woman the other day who wrote a check for a coke and a candy bar. Really? This is how you are paying for your $1.75 sugar rush? It will take you longer to pay than it will to consume your items. Here's $5 keep the change, just move along now.

People who pass gas on an airplane
As a guy I understand you have to let them rip sometimes, but you're an adult in an enclosed area. I was on a flight back from Vegas, and this guy next to me was busting ass every few minutes. I can't exactly get away from your cloud Pigpen, so how about a little courtesy? They need to add that to the pre-flight routine. "In the rare case that you are sitting next to a blatant flagellator, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Please place one over your mouth before assisting others. Even though the bag may not inflate, oxygen will be flowing and the stench of hot dogs and chili will soon dissipate."

People who can't order at a drive-thru
It's always a huge SUV with 6 kids in the back and it's like they've never been to McDonalds before. They pull up and stare at the menu for a good ten minutes, then the cluster F ensues. "Can I get a hamburger happy meal with no pickles and the X-men toy? Does that come with fries? OK. And I need a plain cheeseburger, happy meal with the Barbie toy." Then you see them turn around and talk to the kids for a few minutes before continuing. "I need a 6 piece nuggets, oh wait, I mean a 4 piece nuggets. Hold on can I change that Barbie toy on the Happy meal to an X-men toy? Do you guys have any hot dogs? Hmmm, how about a fruit parfait with extra granola. Oh you're out of parfaits. Ok, I want an iced coffee with two sugars. Then I need 3 double cheeseburgers, one with only ketchup, one with no onions, and one plain. We need 2 large cokes, 2 medium diet cokes and a milk. Yeah, that's it. Wait, can we also get 2 apple pies? Oh, cancel the milk." The line is now around the corner behind them, and of course they pay with a check, then at the pick up window they sit there, triple check the order and hand the food to each kid before driving off.

Or you get the reverse, when you get a drive-thru jockey who is fresh off the boat and only knows numbers and the menu items.
Me: Are the McMuffins 2 for $2?
Employee: 2 McMuffins
Me: No, are they 2 for $2?
Employee: 2 more McMuffins
Me: No. Just give me a number 2 with a coke.
Employee: 2 cokes
Me: Cancel everything I just ordered and let's start over.
Employee: That's $9.73 please pull around.
Me: Honey, please get my gun from the glove box.
(I'd like to dedicate this pet peeve to Herb Peterson inventor of the Egg McMuffin who died on Tuesday.)

People who compliment you just so they can talk about themselves
"Erik, that's a great shirt. It looks like one I bought for my husband Frank, when we were on vacation in Mexico last year. Have you ever been? It's great, we try and get down there every fall. I have these sinus infections and the sea air just clears me right up. And the food is just amazing, and don't get me started on the margaritas. I swear they make them strong down there, two of them and I'm dancing on the table. Frank doesn't drink anymore, but he carries me home when I get a little tipsy. Ahhh yes, Mexico is just heaven, those brown boys are delicious."














I'm sure I will think of a hundred more as soon as I publish this post, but I'm done ranting for now.

Have a good weekend, and Let's Go Pens!

Rockin'and Rollin' and Whatnot...

Sorry for another music post, but unless you want me to drone on about the Penguins 3rd line or how shitty my NCAA bracket is this year, you are stuck with some tunage suggestions. The music is starting to roll in again and a bunch of good releases are on the horizon as well, so let's check out the new stuff...

Mike Doughty - Golden Delicious
The gravelly voiced singer-songwriter is back with another mix of instantly likeable ditties. This album is definitely more bacon than the pan can handle. He can do no wrong in my book. I'm really looking forward to seeing him on April 5th at the 930 club.
Key Tracks: Fort Hood, Put It Down, I Wrote a Song About Your Car

Jack Johnson - Sleep Through the Static
If you've heard one Jack Johnson album you've heard them all, but for whatever reason you can listen to his songs once and somehow know all the words. This album is just a continuation of his previous efforts.
Key Tracks: Sleep Through the Static, What You Thought You Need, Go On

Counting Crows - Saturday Nights and Sunday Mornings
The same signature sound that you know and love is back, kind of like visiting an old friend. They separated the slow songs and heavy songs, well heavy for CC, thus the title of the album.
Key Tracks: You Can Count on Me, Come Around, When I Dream of Michelangelo

Cat Empire - So Many Nights
These guys are almost impossible to describe, but I'll try. Catchy, hooky, funky, soulful, fun, irresistably infectious. The type of songs that get stuck in your head for days.
Key Tracks: So Many Nights, Fishies, So Long

Vampire Weekend - Vampire Weekend
I still don't know what I think about this album. White-boy-indie-college-reggae-rock vibe. They are generating a lot of underground buzz, so probably worth checking out to see if it's your taste.
Key Tracks: A-Punk, M79, Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa

Joe Purdy - Take My Blanket and Go
Mellow but memorable. This guy just has one of those haunting voices that makes you feel like you should be driving across West Texas in Cadillac convertible at 3:00 am. These tunes just punch you in your soul.
Key Tracks: Take My Blanket and Go, Good Days, You Should

Juno Soundtrack
If you liked the indie, quirky qualities of the movie, then the soundtrack will work for you as well. By the way if you want to see a different side of actress Ellen Page check out the flick "Hard Candy". It's on cable this month. She's certainly not the cute prego-teen chick in that film.
Key Tracks: Tire Swing, All I Want is You, Anyone Else but You

Into the Wild Soundtrack
I loved this movie and the soundtrack was perfection in the context of the film. Eddie Vedder should have won an Oscar for best song, but I can live with "Falling Slowly" from "Once" winning it.
Key Tracks: Society, Guaranteed, Hard Sun

New Release Alert! New Release Alert! New Release Alert!
The Raconteurs new album comes out today!!!

So those are the albums that have been added to my iPod lately. Check out the section to the right: "The Hit List" for a list of singles that stand out for me.

enjoy!

-e-

The Fruit of My Loins

Maggie is almost 11 months old, and I want to take a few moments to reflect on what I love and hate about being a Dad.

Love: The look of recognition and excitement when she sees me for the first time, whether it's in the morning, after a nap or when I pick her up from daycare. It's kind of like the look the guys have on Maury when they find out they are not the father. Only she doesn't run around the room screaming "Thank you Lord", and she doesn't roll around on the floor like she just got shot, but she's still very excited.

Hate: Repetitive activities. I read the same books, pick up the same toys and play the same games with her over and over again. I understand this is how she learns, but it's like living with Rain Man. Yeah, I dropped this toy 137 times, definitely going to drop it again. Fifteen minutes 'till Wonder Pets. Yeah I dropped this toy 138 times, definitely going to drop it again. Fourteen minutes 'till Wonder Pets.

Love: Watching her figure things out. One week she has no idea how to use a toy or play a game and then out of nowhere she "gets it". Like the toy that has the different colored rings that you stack up. She used to just eat it like a porn star or bang other toys with it, but now she puts the rings onto it. She gets it now. Or when she solves the toy that has 6 sides and different colors and you need to get all of the same color on each side, what's that called again? Rubik's Cube. No, it has two names. Rubik's Cube. No, that's not it. It has a geometrical name. Rubik's Cube. That's it! (This schtick never gets old to me)

Hate: Trying to eat at restaurants. She has the attention span of Robin Williams after doing an 8 ball. One person gets to pound their meal like they are across the table from Takeru Kobayashi, while the other person plays defense against her. She's got crazy moves too. She'll drop a binky and when you bend over to get it, she grabs a steak knife, takes her doll hostage and instantly becomes Honey-Bunny from Pulp Fiction.
Maggie: Any of you fucking pricks move, and I'll execute every motherfucking last one of ya
Me: Easy Maggie, nobody's gonna hurt anybody. We're gonna be like three little Fonzies here. And what's Fonzie like? Come on Maggie what's Fonzie like?
Maggie: Cool
Me: Correctamundo. Now let's trade the knife for the binky on the count of three.

Love: When she laughs so hard you know she is peeing her pants. Since she doesn't get my dick and fart jokes yet, I have to resort to scaring, tickling or shooting things at her to get her worked up into a laughing frenzy. Once she gets going though, she has trouble catching her breath. I laugh this hard a few times a year, she laughs this hard a few times a week. Click here if you want to see what I mean.

Hate: Getting up early on the weekends, especially after a night of drinking. It's Saturday morning at 7:30 am, I roll over look at the clock and smile because she's not awake yet. Just as I start drifting back into the abyss, I hear a series of coughs and then a cry. So much for that extra hour of sleep. Why can't they make kids with snooze buttons? It will be nice when she can fix a bowl of cereal and watch cartoons by herself. Sleep is one thing, I won't even get into how many times she's cock-blocked me.

Love: She is the only person in my life that will kiss me for no reason. We'll just be watching TV and out of nowhere she plants one on me. It's usually open mouth and a mixture of saliva and snot, but getting unsolicited affection from your kid is money. You can get the same type of kiss from your sloppy, drunk grandma once she takes out her dentures, but this kind of unsolicited affection is not so money.

Hate: She whines like a little bitch. If something is out of her reach, or if she is disatisfied in any way, she lets out that annoying whine/cry like she's Doug and Wendy's kid. (80's SNL reference for you all. Bonus points if you can tell me who played Doug and Wendy) If you ignore her she figures it out and gets what she wants, but like a lazy Crawford she'd rather just whine until someone does it for her.

For all you non-breeders, you can add up all the "Hates" and feel good. For all you breeders you can add up all the 'Loves" and feel good. "You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life."

Speaking of FOL, which of the main characters would you want as a girlfriend? Let's break it down.

Blair
Love: The looks, the money and the connections.
Hate: The attitude. Way too high maintenance for me, I don't tolerate a rich bitch very well. Also, her cousin Geri, the one with cerebral palsy, was totally unfunny and annoying.

Jo
Love: The hot tom boy thing works for me, and she could fix my car, saving me tons of coin.
Hate: I don't want to date someone who could take me in a fight. Period.

Natalie
Love: Fat chicks tend to try harder in the bedroom to make up for their lacking physical attributes. She has the potential for one to two funny jokes a year.
Hate: Her Miss Piggy looks, coupled with her desparate need to be liked would get old fast. She falls more into the desparate one night stand that you don't tell anyone about category.

Tootie
Love: The roller skates. However, these are only truly sexy on a naked Heather Graham.
Hate: Being uber-naive and a drama queen she wouldn't last long in my world, so I have to say "next". Now run along and cry on Mrs. Garret's shoulder.

Edna Garret
Love: If I need a hot meal, some dusting done or someone to watch my adopted inner city black sons, there's no one better.
Hate: I try not to date anyone who was alive when Lincoln freed the slaves.

The winner is:
No, not Molly Ringwald, even though she's a solid choice appearing in 13 episodes. I'm going to have to go to the another hall of famer from the bullpen and select Boots St. Claire AKA Jami Gertz. She was only in 4 episodes, but she wins the dream prize of being my imaginary girlfriend.
Lucky girl!

Kiss Me I'm Shitfaced!

When you need to break out the Irish mix, here are a few suggestions that go down easily (like your Mom) with a pint of Guiness:

1. Dropkick Murphy's - Kiss me I'm Shitfaced
2. The Chieftans - Rocky Road to Dublin
3. Flogging Molly - Drunken Lullabyes
4. House of Pain - Jump Around
5. The Pogues - Streams of Whiskey
6. Young Dubliners - If I Should Fall from Grace with God
7. The Frames - Revelate (Live from Set List)
8. Dropkick Murphy's - I'm Shipping Up to Boston
9. The Pogues - Sally McLannen
10. The Cranberries - Forever Yellow Skies
11. The Frames - Star Star Medley (Live from Set List)
12. U2 - Sunday Bloody Sunday (Live at Slane Castle)
13. The Chieftans - Change in Your Demeanor
14. Van Morrison - Glad Tidings
15. Bing Crosby - When Irish Eyes Are Smilin'

Ah jaysus feckholes, relax the cacks, dese songs be in my GF. Jest make sure you get dem by eleven-terty or it will be too late, ya high falutin knob jockeys! Happy St. Paddy's Day to all ya flaming wee sacs.

enjoy!

I'm a Pool Hall Ace

We've all been there, listening to a familiar song with a family member or friend when they launch into lyrics that pull the trigger in your brain that says "Hey, those aren't the right words". I used to work with a guy at Shakey's Pizza in Cockeyville, MD who got the lyrics to every song wrong, and it used to drive me crazy, but I guess those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Over the years Amy has called me on more misheard lyrics than I can possibly remember, so here is a list of a few of my more memorable gaffs.

Artist: The Police
Song: Every Breath You Take
Misheard Lyrics: I'm a pool hall ace
Correct Lyrics: How my poor heart aches
Notes: I just thought that Sting decided to put in some self aggrandizing bravado about his billiard prowess into the middle of this song for no apparent reason, but it made sense to me.

Artist: The Verve Pipe
Song: The Freshman
Misheard Lyrics: I cannot believe we'd ever got forty cents we were merely freshman
Correct Lyrics: I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins we were merely freshman
Notes: Dude! I can't believe we actually got a quarter, a dime and a nickel! Even though we're students we're rich bitches!

Artist: Metallica
Song: Enter Sandman
Misheard Lyrics: Amstel light, Enter night, take my hand, off to never never-land
Correct Lyrics: Exit light, Enter night, take my hand, off to never never-land
Notes: When this song came out I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The bad boys of metal were endorsing a light weight girly beer in the chorus of their hit single. What a bunch of pussies.

Artist: Elton John
Song: Tiny Dancer
Misheard Lyrics: Hold me closer Tony Danza, Count the headlights on the highway, Lay me down cuz she's winning, you had a busy day today
Correct Lyrics: Hold me closer tiny dancer, Count the headlights on the highway, Lay me down in sheets of linen, you had a busy day today
Notes: Those headlights can be scary, you definitely want the Boss holding you close in a time like that. (Ok, I know those aren't the right lyrics, but Tony Danza is a lot more fun to sing than Tiny Dancer) Then, I guess he needed to lay down because she's winning. Despite her busy day she's still able to whip his ass.

Artist: Duran Duran
Song: Rio
Misheard Lyrics: I smell like a sow, I'm lost in a crowd, and Im hungry like the wolf
Correct Lyrics: Smell like I sound, I'm lost in a crowd, and Im hungry like the wolf
Notes: I think my version actually makes more sense, but apparently he doesn't smell like a female pig, he smells like he sounds, which is good or bad depending on your opinion. I think he sounds like a pompous ass, so I guess he smells like a fancy old lady with a hint of underlying sweaty butt.

There you have it, some of my personal misheard lyrics. Chid left a couple in the comments section of the previous post if you want to check those out. Or if you have a some good ones leave me a comment. Also, there are a few sites dedicated to these gems, so Google misheard lyrics if you want more.

Truckin' Like the Do-Dah Man

What's up kitty cats and doggy dogs? My big bad voodoo daddy truck is back in business. The insurance company decided not to total it, but to pimp my ride instead. I am back in the saddle again, but I do have two minor glitches that are kind of annoying.


First, I lost my my front license plate in the collision, which means I was off to the Virginia DMV. I thought this was going to be a nightmare, but it was quite the opposite. At the Tysons DMV they grill hotdogs and burgers free while you wait, and then they give you a massage if your fees are over $100. How great is that? Well, it would be great if that were true.


I went on a Monday morning at 10:30 am, and I was in and out like a two inch pecker. I have to give props to a positive DMV experience and a big shout out to Aandeleeb Gupta for hooking me up with new plates. I was going to get personalized plates, but IB6UB9 and OUDODOU were already taken, so I went with XXA4673. I know, nice choice. How am I going to remember that one? Oh wait I got it, just like my ex-girlfriend "2 times a hore". I'll spell it out for my challenged readers: 2 times = XX; a = a; hore = 4673 on a telephone keypad.


Second, the body shop lost my keyless entry. How am I supposed to find my car at airports, sporting events and concerts if I can't hit the panic button and set off my alarm? You can't expect me to actually remember wher I parked after a few beers and the excitement of the night. This has happened to me 4 times and it has sucked ass every time.



The Memphis Blues
Amy and I were in Memphis for a pre-season Steelers/Titans game back in the day, when we split up from our ride and forgot where we parked the car. This was before cell phones, and the Liberty Bowl isn't exactly where you want to be lost after dark. Let's just say when the sun goes down in Memphis it gets really dark, really fast, if you know what I mean. I looked in my "Blues Clues" notebook and it said we parked in a big grassy field, but after that I had nothing. About 90 minutes after the game, we're cold, starving and feeling like Tom Hanks in "Castaway", when a pair of headlights finally pulls up behind us. Before I could yell "Run, it's a Drive-By", we heard our names being called. What a relief! We were saved.



The Pepsi Center Debacle
Chid and I went to see the Pens play the Avs, but in the excitement of getting into the game neither of us made a mental note of where we parked. We leave the game a little early hoping to beat traffic and as we get to the parking lot the panic starts to kick in. "Dude, I don't remember where we parked." The game ends and cars start streaming out of the lot. The choices are getting fewer and fewer, like a bad game of musical chairs, but still no sign of the car. Finally, after a ton of walking, at altitude mind you, we spot the car in the distance and run to it like the Griswalds going to Wally World. Winner, winner chicken dinner!



Delayed in Denver
Coming home from a trip back East, we forgot where we parked at the airport. You'd think that we would have learned from the Memphis Blues mess, but no, we jacked it up yet again. As if a 4 hour flight and a whole day traveling weren't exhausting enough, we now had to try and find a needle in a haystack to finish the final leg of our trip. There we were walking up and down aisle after aisle pulling large suitcases and cussing like Suzie on "Curb Your Enthusiasm". Unlike sporting events, no cars were leaving, so it wasn't a matter of waiting, it was only a matter of getting lucky. I'll tell you what, you really find out what your marriage is made of in a situation like that. You can either turn on each other or team up and get it done. Of course with a love like ours we turned on each other, but finally found the truck in the last aisle of the lot. Bitter!


Disoriented in DC
Another Pens game, but this time I am alone, and as you can tell from the previous stories I have no sense of direction. If I were a lab rat trying to run through a maze, the scientist would give up and send me over to the test group where they grow extra nipples. The parking garage at the Verizon Center in DC has no distinct features just a bunch of gray cement. I decide that I will be smart and take pictures on my phone, so I can retrace my steps if I need to. I start snapping away and I'm all proud of myself for having such a genius Memento-ish idea.


The game is great and I come out to the garage and whip out my phone. Ok, let's do this! What? I forgot to save the pictures I took. The only picture I saved is of my truck in the actual parking space. Oh shit, I am a dead man. It gets a little embarassing when you walk past the same line of cars waiting to exit the garage 3 or 4 times in a ten minute span. It's pretty obvious to everyone that you are the village idiot. After a few laps around the garage and sucking in enough CO2 to kill a small child, I finally find my truck. I take another picture of it just to be sure it's mine, yep they match, I hop in and I'm headed home, whichever way that is.

Bottom line I have my truck back sans keyless entry, and it's in relatively good condition. They added some tight rims, smokin' hot flames down the side and it hops when I play "Low Rider". The bitches in my neighborhood know who gots the sweet ride, and that's all that really matters. I just wish they had free massages at the DMV, I am sore as shit from Wii boxing last weekend.

Things I Learned this Week

Ok, so this isn't an original concept, but I google about 10-15 random things everyday to edumacate myself, or re-edumacate myself on things I've purged for one reason or another. Here are some things that I learned this week from Google, IMDB, AMG or a host of other random internet sites.


1. The uber-smart physicist dude sent to save the survivors of Oceanic Flight 815 on "Lost" isn't Henry Thomas of E.T fame, but rather Jeremy Davies. You may rememer Mr. Davies from such films as "Rescue Dawn", "Saving Private Ryan", "Spanking the Money" and "I Steal All of Henry Thomas' Roles". Can you tell which actor is which?









2. Pittsburgh Steelers Marketing Department Meeting:
Donny: Hey Ronnie, what do you think about doing a Santonio Holmes bobble-head doll with him in a suit holding up his jersey on draft day?
Ronnie: Donny, I love that idea. I think it will be a big hit with the fantasy football geeks out there, but you should put a hat on him to make it authentic.
Donny: I am also thinking of doing one of Cedrick Wilson issuing a restraining order to his grilfriend.
Ronnie: Brilliant!







I am on sale. Buy Me Here!
So real, your friends will ask him for autographs!







3. Looking Good for Jesus. This site has everything from a coin purse to lip balm, which claims it will restore your lips to near virgin quality. I asked customer service if you could use the lip balm on other areas, and she said her husband was a very happy man, so I ordered a case for Amy.

4. Pendejo - I always thought this meant asshole in Spanish, but after talking to my Dad's co-worker at a party, he told me it literally meant pubic hair. I know, we have some great conversations at family oriented gatherings in Delaware. It was like when Larry David was talking to Krazee-Eyez Killa on "Curb Your Enthusiam" a few seasons ago. I looked it up and apparently we are both right. The dictionary definition is pubic hair, but the slang is asshole or idiot. Kind of a strange transition for a word. I think in English I am going to try and take it back the other way. "Hey did you see that pubic hair cut me off?" or "Sometimes I feel like such a pubic hair."

5. I've seen "Step Up 2 - The Streets" 12 times, and I'm going again this weekend. Being a former popper and locker I was naturally drawn to the movie's hit single "Low" by Flo Rida. I wonder where he's from? The song just grabs you from the opening line "Yo turn the fucking beat on". You know it's going to be good if he's calling for the beat right out the damn box. "This is fear factor music you mother fuckers" Damn right it is! He is telling me this shit is tight, and I am soooo ready to get my robot on. Then BAM! No messing around with a first verse he dives right into the hooky chorus;

Shawty had them Apple Bottom Jeans [Jeans] Boots with the fur [With the fur] the
whole club lookin at her She hit the floor [She hit the floor] Next thing you
know Shawty got low low low low low low low low

Ahh hells yeah I'm feeling this flow. But then the second part of the chorus comes in and I get a little confused.

Them baggy sweat pants And the Reeboks with the straps [With the straps] She
turned around and gave that big booty a smack [Ay] She hit the floor [She hit
the floor] Next thing you know Shawty got low low low low low low low low

Shawty had on jeans and boots, and now she's got on sweat pants and Reeboks? Did she do a costume change like Britney Spears? Is he talking about two different ho's? When did sweat pants and Reeboks with straps become sexy? Does this girl have Downs Syndrome? The girl in my high school that had Downs wore sweat pants, velcro shoes and had a big ass. Is he talking about trying to get with a booga-booga chick? I think I even hear in a faint whisper after "low low low low low low low low " he says "IQ". Yo this shiz is whack! Flo Rida take it from MC Vir Ginia that joint is out of bounds.

6. Why does hair turn gray as people age? A few grays have been poking up in my beard, so I decided to find out why this happens. Apparently, each hair follicle has a finite amount of pigment cells, and when those are gone, you get gray hair. Also, treatment for AIDS can turn your hair gray. So either my pigment follicles have run out, or my underground career as a male prostitute in the late 80's has led to this aesthetic atrocity. Damn you Pedro Zamora, I told you we needed to use a condom!

7. "There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line." This quote always bounced around in my head, so for whatever reason I googled it and guess who said it first? That's right Oscar Levant. Let's go to Wikipedia. Born in Pittsburgh, that's wierd. His tombstone has the line "I told them I was Ill", even weirder, because I always wanted to use that on my headstone. Either that or "Someone get a shovel I'm not really dead". I have a lot in common with this guy. What? No Way! He was an Orthodox Russian Jew too. Alav Hashalom.

8. "Road House" was on last night and the waitress looked familiar, so I looked her up and she is none other than Kathleen Wilhoite. Who? Yeah, that was my reaction too. She's done a lot of chick flicks and TV. Evidently she has one blue-green eye and one brown eye, which has always intrigued me a bit. Well I guess most people have at least one brown-eye but that's neither here nor there. Tangent Alert! Tangent Alert! If it's neither here nor there, then where the fuck is it? David Bowie has this different eye color thing too, which is freaky, I wonder why that happens. I am going to Google a topic while writing a blog about Googling topics. The play within the play begins...

Ok, it's not all that interesting, it has to do with the amount of melanin in each iris. People who have two different colored eyes have Heterochromia iridium, which is the scientific name for people with two different colored eyes. Fascinating. It can also be caused by Waardenburg syndrome which has symptoms like deafness, early graying of hair and constipation. So if the guy in the next stall strains without results, has two different colored eyes, gray hair and doesn't respond when you ask for more TP, he isn't being a pubic hair he just has Waardenburg syndrome.

Twenty Bucks - A History Lesson

I got some money out of the ATM this weekend and this strange looking bill ended up in my huge wad of cash. It was a twenty dollar bill from 1934. I ran home all excited, like Ralphy looking for his Ovaltine decoder ring, and Googled it to see what it was worth. You know what a twenty dollar bill from 1934 is worth: That's right, twenty bucks. What a gip!

I wonder how many wallets this bill has been in over the past 74 years. Most likely it was just in some dude's bank in Arlington, VA, but that would be too boring. I decided to give my $20 bill some personality and a history. It helps if you read this post with Alec Baldwin's Royal Tenenbaums voice-over in your head, as he was in mine the entire time I wrote it. Here is what I like to think it was used for over the years:

1934 - Washington DC - Hot off the presses this twenty dollar bill ends up in the hands of the Speaker of the House, Joseph Byrnes, who spends it on a one-legged whore named Edith. Six months later she dies from tuberculosis. On her death bed she mentions that it was the best twenty dollars she ever made, and that in heaven she's going to use it to by a pair of shoes so she can play hopscotch.

1939 - Baltimore, MD - Soda Jerk, Joseph Garret finally got the nerve up to ask out this peach, Jennie Hoover, who came in every Friday night and had a root beer float with her two unattractive friends, Mary and Joanie. With the twenty bucks he buys two tickets for "The Wizard of Oz" and a box of Milk Duds at the Senator theater in Baltimore, MD. The two marry and a few years later have a son, John. In 1944 Garret is shipped off to Germany where he dies in the Battle of the Bulge, not from enemy fire, but from choking on a milk dud.

1959 - Philadelphia, PA - Hawaii and Alaska gain official statehood. Housewife, Marion Jenkins buys a comemorative coin set from the Philadelphia mint, using a twenty dollar bill her husband gave her for groceries. When her husband comes home, he is so upset at her frivoulous spending that he beats her to death with a ceramic Elvis plate that she bought the week before. As Heartbreak Hotel plays softly in the background, he takes a drink of whiskey, feeds the dog and then hangs himself in the garage.

1969 - Woodstock, NY - Bobby Jones decides that it's time he gets out of his po-dunk hick town in Vermont, and at the last minute heads to Woodstock for the big music festival. Using a twenty dollar bill he got for washing cars that summer, he buys some brown acid off of a girl he meets while bathing in the lake. Being a huge fan of the Who he decides to take it just before their set, and as the they launch into "Magic Bus" Bobby goes into a diabetic coma and dies. The last words he hear's are "I want it, I want it, I want it...You can't have it!"

1977 - Queens, NY - Christien Freund is excited for her date with fiancee John. She isn't really into boxing movies, but agrees to see "Rocky" on John's insistance. Since she saw the movie he wanted to see, she makes him go to the dancing hall afterwards. As they stroll back to the car, she sees a scarf in the window and decides to spend twenty dollars on it. Fifteen minutes later she is gunned down by David Berkowitz AKA the "Son of Sam". The scarf was unable to stop the life-taking bullets.

1980 - New York City, NY - In the bathroom at Studio 54 Kathy Hilton does a line using a twenty dollar bill and hands it to her friend, who in turn does a line and then pockets the twenty. On the way home Kathy remembers that she is supposed to pick up her birth control pills, but doesn't have any cash, so she skips the errand. A bit tipsy from the club, Richard amorously takes Kathy from behind in their walk-in closet. This error in judgement results in the conception of a child, and tragically the world will have to pay for their irresponsibility in ways that are too unimaginable to mention.

1995 - Los Angeles, CA - Nicole makes a phone call to Mezzaluna restaurant and requests that Ron, a waiter there, bring a pair of sunglasses to her home. Ron collects his final check of the night which includes a $40 tip comprised of two twenty dollar bills, and heads for Nicole's home. Unfortunately, someone was waiting for them, a large African-American male, who then stabs them multiple times resulting in their deaths. Some speculate that the killer wore #32 for the Buffalo Bills in the 70's, and others speculate that he was an athlete who did some acting work in movies like "The Naked Gun". We may never know who killed Nicole and Ron, but we do know that her ex-husband OJ Simpson is out there looking for the real killer or killers.


2008 - Sterling, VA - A man in his mid-thirties badly in need of a haircut, gets up early and arrives at the Hair Cuttery as it opens. He is asked to sit down and a middle-eastern woman begins trimming his long, thick flowing locks. She mentions that he could have been Patrick Swayze's hair double in the 80's, something he has been told several times before. After an invigorating shampoo, he pays the lady and leaves the store. The bank is right next door and so he hits the drive-thru ATM for a quick two hunge. Being OCD, he straightens his bills and puts the older bills in the back. Something catches his eye, an old twenty, and I mean really old, like Pat McMahon old. It's a twenty from 1934. The man rushes home all excited, like Ralphy looking for his Ovaltine decoder ring. Opening Google he types in "What is a 1934 $20 worth?" You know what a twenty dollar bill from 1934 is worth: That's right, twenty bucks. What a gip!