Ride On

Spring fever was in full swing this weekend, as the weather has finally changed from the cold that makes your balls hibernate and mounds of snow that would give Tony Montana a hard on to sunny days that make you want to roll down the window and blast a little Tom Petty.

The wife and I decided to take the knee-biter over to the in-laws to enjoy some of the afore mentioned sun. Apparently, the girl next door had a birthday party going on, so kids littered the street like Mexicans at the State Fair, and as court ordered I stayed back 500 feet from the rugrats at all times.

I enjoyed an adult beverage on the porch and watched this little munchkin ride his big wheel down the big hill over and over again. Then, his daredevil buddy got on without a helmet and the Kate Gosselin wannabe in charge lost her fucking mind. "No! No! No! Stop! Stop! Stop! You have to wear a helmet!!!". She was running so fast that the friction caused by her hail damaged thighs almost made her spill her Mike's Hard Lemonade.

Look I get it, kids need to be protected and I will probably make my daughter wear a helmet even when she takes a shit on the big girl toilet because I'm a child-worshipping asshole like everyone else these days, but it made me think back to my childhood when nobody wore a helmet except the slow kids and the pussies who had those over-protective Moms.

We used to attach a pipe to our bikes, stuff it with toilet paper, light it on fire and then ride down the hill hitting a board propped up on a cinder block going 20 miles an hour, and there were no helmets involved. Evel Knievel and Fonzie could suck my pre-pubescent dick when I rolled down that hill on my Huffy, and if I went ass over elbows into the grass then so be it.

There was one kid in my friend's neighborhood, who really needed a helmet though. He was one of those kids who was in general population at school, but really should have been in special-ed. The type of kid who took shop eight periods a day, but couldn't build a simple fucking box if his life depended on it. One day we're hanging out and we hear this clank, clank clank, and then we see a horse dragging a fucking bicycle down the street. Ten minutes later this kid comes limping by all jacked up and bleeding. This Darwin award winner tied his bike to his horse. It must have been a gold star day in the Eisler household. Boy wonder was well on his way to a life bagging groceries at Safeway.

Now if you'll excuse me I need to look into buying a new bike, some wood and a cinder block.

Take Off to the Great White North

Well, I'm finally back from Vancouver. I was the third guy in the four man bobsled in case you didn't know. As a little kid I used to ride in the laundry basket down the steps and then later in life I fell in love with cuddling up next to three spandex clad guys, so I decided to combine my interests and bobsledding seemed to fit the bill. Ok, ok, that's stories not entirely true, I'll admit it, I never used to ride in the laundry basket.

Speaking of the Olympics and Canada, I think my brother and I were meant to be Canadian. We love hockey, beer, bacon and donuts and we both have that dark sense of humor. By dark sense of humor I mean we like dick and fart jokes, especially when a dead guy is involved. My sense of humor had a lot to do with my childhood love of the movie Strange Brew, which I still quote to this day, although the wife doesn't appreciate my Bob and Doug McKenzie prowess as much as my brother.

Speaking of Strang Brew, in 7th grade apparently I was "gifted" so they asked me to read the morning announcements. Things went well for a few months and then I started interjecting random eh's and Koolookookookoo-koo-koo-koo's in between sports scores and lunch menus and suddenly they stopped asking me to read the morning announcements. My Adrian Cronauer days were over, so I guess being gifted was OK as long as you didn't have a fucking personality to go along with it. Thus began my lifelong struggle with "The Man".

Now if you'll excuse me I need to call my brother, he's a genius he hooked up our stereo eh?