19 Things I think I know (Reprise)

Time to revisit one of my favorite posting formats, the things I think I know.

1. My ability to play pool is directly related to the amount of alcohol in my system.
Sober = Average skill level. I win some, I lose some. I play methodical and calculated.
Buzzed = I become Paul Newman in “The Color of Money”. Everything I hit finds a pocket. Combos, bank shots, behind the back, jumping balls all become routine shots.
Hammered = I become a 12 year old girl with no concept of the game. I take impossible shots with reckless abandon. I become more interested in playing air guitar with my pool cue than making an attempt to sink a ball. I increasingly use monkey dust and distraction techniques to keep my opponents from making shots. The filter between my brain and my mouth disappears and I become an inappropriate chatter box.

2. The Steelers lack of an offensive line will cost them in the playoffs

3. I am not a 70-year-old woman, so I need to find a better breakfast than peanut-butter crackers and tea.

4. My daughter has begun her journey to accidental funny land. When we read her Blues Clues book she calls the main character ‘Steve’ a bitch. I don’t think she can pronounce his name and calling him a bitch isn’t even close, but it is accurate.
Me: Say buh-bye Steve
Moo: Buh-Bye Bitch!

5. No matter how many times I try I will never be able to fold a fitted sheet. Luckily, I am married to a woman with professional folding skills or else there would just be several large balls of cloth in the bottom of my linen closet.

6. I haven’t seen a single Oscar worthy film all year.

7. Trying to squeeze my truck into a small parking space to avoid walking in the rain wasn’t worth scraping it against a brick wall. Bitter!

8. As of next month, the odds of Moo having a sibling are slim and none and I think you know who just left town. Give it up for one and done! (And no I’m not getting snipped…yet.)

9. My daughter’s journey to accidental funny land continued when she looked at my Playboy and shouted Elmo! I said to her “Moo, if those were eyes I would’ve gotten into a lot less trouble over the years.”

10. Live x-mas trees drink a lot of fucking water!

11. I think I might take some pictures of my brother and his family driving my SUV and drinking from plastic bottles when they visit this week. Then I’ll post them on his Scream 2B Green blog calling him a hypocrite and a disgrace to the Green movement. It would be a dick move, but funny nonetheless.

12. Golden Oreos are the bees knees.

13. I love getting gift cards for x-mas, but I find it nearly impossible to keep track of the amount when I only use a portion of the balance. They need to add a button on them that will give you the remaining balance. (Computerized Voice) “You have ten dollars and fifty-one cents left on your PF Chang’s gift card. I’d go with the lettuce wraps if I were you.” Thanks, gift card!

14. My wife is a much nicer person than I’ll ever be. I know, total shocker on this one. She does things for other people that I wouldn’t even do for myself, and that’s saying a lot.

15. I used to fear going to movies, concerts and dining alone, but as I get older I’m starting to prefer it. No compromises, no judgments and no bullshit small talk. God, I sound like an old curmudgeon, maybe I need to lay off reading so much Bukowski.

16. You can’t be king of the world if you’re slave to the grind, and it’s starting to look like my future status as king of the world is in serious jeopardy.

17. I have a new sales pitch for the old SNL skit “Bad Idea” Jeans: I think that the American public will buy Tom Cruise as a Nazi. Bad Idea. To make it even more authentic we’ll give him an eye patch. Bad Idea. There really haven’t been enough movies made about WWII, this is really going to fill a niche in the market. Bad Idea.

18. From what I just saw on Blues Clues I'm pretty sure I'd hate Ramadan. You fast from sunrise to sunset and then at the end you gets dates and milk. Great holiday. You don't eat anything and then you basically take a natural diuretic. I think I'll stick with presents, cookies and alcohol. Feliz Navidad!

19. It's so cold out that I woke up with my testicles in my neck. That can't be a good thing.

That wraps up this edition of the Things I Think I Know. I hope you all have a great holiday season, and if I can get out of the food and alcohol coma for a few minutes I'll try and get in one more post before 2009.

Ronald WTF?

I was at Whole Foods yesterday getting a sprout salad with fat free dressing and some whole grain bread, then, I realized that my balls were actually attached and I headed over to McDonalds. After I finished my meal I got up to get an apple pie, because apparently a 900 calorie lunch wasn’t enough for me, and this is how the interaction transpired:

Me: I’ll have an apple pie
Clerk: That will be $1.07
Me: No, I just want the one pie
Clerk: That will be $1.07
Me: How much are two pies?
Clerk: $1.07
Me: So I can get one pie for $1.07 or two pies for $1.07?
Clerk: Yes sir.
Me: How much is a cheeseburger?
Clerk: 99 cents
Me: How much is a double cheeseburger?
Clerk: $1
Me: What color is the sky in the world where your pricing department works?
Clerk: Excuse me?
Me: Nevermind, cancel the order bucko!

There is some stupid shit out there that I just don’t get, and while I’m on the subject of bashing Mickey D’s, whatever happened to the two cheeseburger value meal? That was my go-to order, and then one day it was just gone to make more room on the board to promote some slab of sweaty ass crack like the McRib. Don’t even get me started on those new chicken sandwiches and biscuits that they stole from Chik-Fil-A right down to the goddamn pickle? Your marketing team must have worked overtime to come up with that one.

You know what else chaps my ass? The soda deals at the grocery store. Yesterday at Safeway there’s this big sign, ‘Buy Two 12-packs and get Two Free’. I like soda as much as the next guy, but I don’t really need two cases of the stuff. Look, I get it, you want me to spend more money and take more product off of your hands, but I have a kid, and carrying four 12-packs and a 19 month old into the house is like one of those strong man events on ESPN at 2:00 in the morning. “Do you need some help out to your car sir?” No, but I’d love some help getting all this fucking pop into my house. Can I borrow slow-Charlie from register 6 for an hour?

While I’m ranting about food, let’s turn our attention to restaurants. You know what I want? Smaller portions at smaller prices. I’m looking at you Cheesecake factory. I don’t need a sandwich the size of a drunken midget for $19. How about just offering me something the size of a drunken midget’s hand for $5? Hey, you, Five Guys hiding in the corner over there, what’s up with the mountain of fries you dole out with every order? I don’t need a bag full of grease for $4, how about just a handful for $1.50, or maybe you just let me just lick one for a nickel?

I think we have a new record for most sarcastic questions asked in a single post. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to schedule 3 Guys and a Truck to come help me carry in my leftovers from the Maggianos.

Top 50 Songs of 2008

If you are too lazy to check out albums, here are my top 50 songs for 2008. I kept it to one song per artist to spread the love around. This will be my last music post of 2008, so we can get back to our regularly scheduled programming, already in progress.

Sometime Around Midnight – Airborne Toxic Event
Rocky Took a Lover – Bell X1
These Stones Will Shout – The Raconteurs
Come On – Panderers
A-Punk – Vampire Weekend
Shine On – The Kooks
Get-Well Cards – Conor Oberst
Orange Blossoms - JJ Grey and Mofro
Street Corner Preacher – Amos Lee
Comin’ Home - Murder by Death
So Many Nights - The Cat Empire
In Step – Girl Talk
Wontcha Come Home – G. Love
Get On With It – Val Emmich
Out of Time – Jason Collett
Ghost of Goodbye – Ford Turrell
Handshake – Tristan Prettyman
That was Just Your Life – Metallica
Lost Coastlines – Okkervil River
Troublemaker – Weezer
Long Division – Death Cab for Cutie
Matt Costa – Mr. Pitiful
A Heady Tale – The Fratellis
I Wrote a Song About Your Car – Mike Doughty
Bitch Went Nuts – Ben Folds
I Remember (It’s Happening Again) – Griffin House
Song to Bobby – Cat Power
Supernatural Superserious – REM
Sequestered in Memphis – The Hold Steady
Lady from Baltimore – Jesse Malin
Sex is on Fire – Kings of Leon
A Dustland Fairytale – The Killers
Your New Man – Mason Jennings
No Baby, I – Old 97’s
Why Do You Let Me Stay Here – She & Him
Handlebars – The Flobots
If I Had Eyes - Jack Johnson
The Richest Kids in Town – This is Ivy League
Born Into a Light – Ryan Adams
Winter Birds – Ray LaMontagne
Them Kids – Sam Roberts
Locust Street – Black Crowes
Rooks – Shearwater
Life, Love and Laughter – Donavon Frankenreiter
Anyone but You – Counting Crows
Why Do You Think You Are – Brett Dennen
You’re Gonna Go Far Kid – The Offspring
A Little Bit Of Riddim – Michael Franti and Spearhead
I’m Yours - Jason Mraz
Shout – De Novo Dahl

enjoy!

Top 10 Albums of 2008

Through the magic of iTunes I calculated that I worked my way through 52 albums this year (ranked below), and dabbled in several others. My music geek status is still in check, which makes my inner rock star stand up and…Shout! Shout! Shout at the devil!

My top 10 is ranked solely on the albums I enjoyed the most in 2008. I did not factor in album sales, number of plays, weeks on the charts, length of time in a certain playlist or any of that other bullshit that makes the lists in magazines a bunch of garbage.

This year’s list might be my most eclectic of all time and it features some ‘rock out with your cock out’ shredding guitars and ‘wuss out with your puss out’ Sunday morning chick music. I am not going to offer any analysis or key tracks, just the list. If you want more details let me know because I talk about music like pyromaniacs talk about fire. “All day all night, you feel, my heat. Feel, feel, feel, feel my heat”. (Give yourself 10 bonus points if you can name the movie that is from.)

1. The Raconteurs – Consolers of the Lonely
2. Vampire Weekend – Vampire Weekend
3. Metallica - Death Magnetic
4. Okkervil River - The Stand-Ins
5. Girl Talk – Feed the Animals
6. The Kooks – Konk
7. Hold Steady – Stay Positive
8. Conor Oberst – Conor Oberst
9. Tristan Prettyman – Hello
10.Mike Doughty – Golden Delicious

-------------------------------------------------
Cat Empire – So Many Nights
G. Love – Superhero Brother
The Fratellis – Here We Stand
Bill Burr – Why Do I Do This? (Comedy)
Old 97’s - Blame it on Gravity
Ray LaMontagne – Gossip in the Grain
Matt Costa – Unfamiliar Faces
Ryan Adams – Cardinology
Jack Johnson – Sleep in the Static
Airborne Toxic Event – Airborne Toxic Event
Death Cab For Cutie – Narrow Stairs
This is Ivy League – This is Ivy League
Ben Folds – Way To Normal
Kings of Leon – Only by the Night
The Killers – Day & Age
Murder by Death – Red of Tooth and Claw
Kimya Dawson – Alphabutt (Kids)
Amos Lee – Last Days at the Lodge
REM – Accelerate
Barenaked Ladies – Snacktime (Kids)
Bell X1 – Flock
Black Crowes – War Paint
Griffin House – Flying Upside Down
Sam Roberts – Love at the End of the World
Cat Power - Jukebox
Counting Crows – Saturday Nights and Sunday Mornings
Mason Jennings – In the Ever
Donavon Frankenreiter – Pass it Around
JJ Grey and Mofro – Orange Blossoms
Coldplay – Viva la Vida
She and Him – Volume One
Flobots – Fight With Tools
Xavier Rudd – Dark Shades of Blue
The Whigs – Mission Control
Sia – Some People have real Problems
AC/DC – Black Ice
Weezer – Weezer (Red Album)
Michael Franti And Spearhead – All Rebel Rockers
Widespread Panic – Free Somehow
Lucinda Williams – Little Honey
Beck – Modern Guilt
Jason Mraz – We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things

On My Way to San Jose

Just after 5:00 AM here in San Jose, and of course my internal clock is still on the East Coast, so I am awake and bored. This is day three of the conference I am attending and I am ready to head back to Virginia. Here are some things that I observed over the past few days.

I was checking out the hotel, looking for the bar and other ammenities, when a woman stopped me and asked me to take her picture. Nothing strange about that, but the hotel has approximately 10 Christmas trees and she wants her picture next to the most welfare one in the place. Even Charlie Brown would have said "Dude, that tree fucking sucks, lets keep looking". Do you think that Chuck would say 'fuck' in real life, when he isn't doing holiday specials? I think he would, especially after Lucy jacked him up with the old football trick for the thousandth time. I digress.

So, I oblige her, but before I can take the photo, she says she wants to be holding her laptop and that the picture is for her mother. I can only assume there is an inside joke at play here, but she didn't seem like the inside joker kind of gal. She gave off more of the bat-shit psycho girlfriend slash stalker kind of vibe. Her first camera dies before I can get the shot, and of course she has a backup camera. See what I mean about the stalker vibe, who carries two cameras with them? I finally take a couple of shots and she goes on her way.

I was in the convention center yesterday people-watching as the hundreds of sales and marketing folks strolled by talking on cell phones, sending email on their Blackberry's, and talking shop with colleagues. None of this impresses or phases me, I am more interested in sizing people up, because deep down inside I am a 13 year old girl who is contemplating doing some cutting due to body image issues. Here is my personal assessment of folks based solely on physical appearance after three seconds of viewing.

Is that guy my size? Nah, he is way bigger than me. I bet that chick spends more time 0n her knees than a Nun on Easter Sunday. Dude, I know you think that scarf and artsy glasses makes you look sophisticated, but really you just look like, how should I say this without being too harsh, I know, 'Fucking retarded'. Really? An overweight brother with a blue-tooth headset in his ear. Shocker. Looks like somebody's cold. Wow, I thought that pony-tail guys were extinct, but I guess you proved me wrong. Is that a guy or a girl? It looks like she-he has tits, but that is clearly a mustache that a Mexican teenager would be proud of. Is that guy my size? Maybe. Lady, your business suit screams uber-bitch power broker, but your camel toe just says ewwww. There's the close talker I met last night, don't make eye contact. Look away! Look away! Whoa, if your skirt were any shorter you would need two hair-do's. XYZ-PDQ. Yo bro, I know you think no one's watching you over in the corner, but I see you going knuckle deep into your nose and then examining the treasure on your finger like it was the fucking Rosetta Stone. Mr. I think I'm the shit guy', could you talk a little louder on your phone so that everyone knows you're a douche. Hey grandma, it must get really annoying pulling down the zipper on your pants to adjust your bra?

God I love people-watching. Well, only a couple more hours until the sun comes up, I guess I'd better head out for my morning run. Yeah right!

Making a List and Checking it Twice

The five day work weeks between Thanksgiving and X-mas are total buzz kills. The joy of the long Turkey Day weekend is a distant memory, and I struggle to get through these doldrums of winter before I can enjoy the back-to-back five day weekends I have coming up at the end of this month.

Of course before I can revel in this time off, I need to do some X-mas shopping, attend holiday parties, fly to California and back, watch the Steelers win the AFC North and get ass fucked by the furnace guy and the car guy and the electronic black-jack dealer guy,whom I swear is a 60 year old Asian woman. Those old Asian dealers always work me like a fifty-cent-a-day, soccer ball making, favella living, Guatamalan bitch.

While I love the holidays, with all of the alcohol consumption and the constant grazing on cheeses, nuts and cookies, I feel like my bank account gets hammered like my Uncle on dollar beer night. As adults at what age do you stop giving each other gifts? My brother and I haven't given each other a X-mas gift since the 80's. The wife and I did away with the practice a solid decade ago, and while some may frown upon this practice and decry Bah Humbug, it works for us. I'm an adult if I need or want something I buy it. I don't wait for my birthday, or a holiday, or the chick to prove she isn't a cop, I just take out my wallet, whip out some coin, and go about my day.

Now, don't get me wrong I am all about presents for the kids, but my X-mas list has become ridiculous, because I don't need or want anything. Last year I asked for an ant farm, a bubble gum machine, a lava lamp and a breathalizer. This year I am asking for a laser pointer, a Jack Lambert fathead, a snowboarding Wii game and a new liver. As my wife says "How old is the guy who made this list? 12?!". I've reached an age where I ask for stupid shit, because it's the only thing left that I wouldn't mind having, even though I would never buy it for myself. I cruise the Sky Mall, Spencers and Brookstone websites regularly this time of year. Jealous?

So as you sit there reading this, mocking my x-mas list choices, let it be known that I got more enjoyment out of watching my ants dig tunnels in an illuminated gel for six months than I ever did out of the 100th Navy sweater I got from a distant relative. And on x-mas morning when you are opening your adult gifts of boring clothes with little polo players on them, or if you're cheap some non-descript man, animal or random mythological creature stitched just above your left nipple. I'll be burning my sister-in-law's cat and my daughter's retina with a laser pointer and trying to blow twice the legal limit into my new breathalizer. Livin' the Dream.

*Slams cover of laptop, does a crotch-chop and yells suck it bitches. I Rule!*