Facebook in December

December 29, 2011

We visited a new daycare facility this morning, but gauging from the look on the director's face, maybe my "Free Mustache Rides" t-shirt wasn't the best wardrobe choice.

December 27, 2011

I tried to put the moves on the wife last night, but she told me to please hold for the next available representative.

December 25, 2011

I got my wife a Frittata pan, I wonder what my neighbor got his wife? A new Mercedes? Son-of-a-bitch!

December 24, 2011

The wife and I have been officially approved for $1M of life insurance. I can't wait for her to open her Xmas gifts this year, a Caribbean cruise and a lead coat.

December 22, 2011

I work with a guy named Joon. I asked him what his favorite month was and surprisingly he said September.

December 21, 2011

I got lingerie to give away for my Secret Santa this year. For some reason she seemed a little offended when I said “I think it will fit, I tried it on and we’re about the same size”.

December 16, 2011

Sometimes at lunch, I hit the local Goodwill and autograph the pictures of Jesus. If I'm really bored I'll include a personal message like "Stay cool this summer" or "Those weren't my footprints".

December 16, 2011

Single Dad tonight, so we decided to cook up some meth for the holidays. We've been watching a lot of "Breaking Bad" so I think we have our technique down.

December 15, 2011

Looking for a stocking stuffer for the wife and I saw that you can buy the morning after pill on Amazon. A few observations:
1. They have new and used. Who is buying used morning after pills?
2. Shipping – Why would you choose anything other than overnight?
3. Three people gave it 5 stars and one person gave it 1 star. Sucks to be that 1 star person.

December 14, 2011

I feel like I live with Whitney Houston because my daughter yells Mommy, the same way that she yelled Baw-Baaay on "Being Bobby Brown".

December 10, 2011

Fortune: “Do not mistake temptation for opportunity” - I'm pretty sure this fortune is referring to my wife's short skirt.

December 09, 2011

Always nice to get in a 5K on a brisk Saturday morning. No, I didn't run a race, that's just how far away I had to park from the Costco.

December 08, 2011

Sipping bourbon in front of the Xmas tree. Trying to become the alcoholic father I never had.

December 06, 2011

While licking a plastic knife this morning I inexplicably turned it vertically and nearly cut my lip off. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to start working on my Darwin Award acceptance speech.

December 05, 2011

Nothing more fun than bringing a real Xmas tree into a three story townhouse. Only broke a clock, a picture and the wall this year. There may have been a few words added between Merry and Xmas this evening.

December 03, 2011

I think my daughter learned to play soccer by watching me wander around the women's shoe department at Nordstrom. She walks around aimlessly, has a blank look on her face and is just waiting for the signal to leave.

December 01, 2011

The wife was putting together some ocean-themed decorations, so I innocently asked my daughter "What color is Mommy's starfish?", and suddenly I'm the bad guy.

Facebook in November

November 30, 2011 at 8:18 am

Pregnant with baby number two!!!!! We are very excited and can’t wait to see how this life changing event unfolds. So happy for Kourtney Kardashian.

November 27, 2011 at 8:29 am

Some of you may have heard about our family's tragic news, my daughter saw a bug this morning. We think she's going to make it, but thoughts and prayers are appreciated.

November 26, 2011 at 11:01 am

Undefeated in the 10 yard dash at the playground today. Kicking ass and taking names. Better luck next time; Caitlyn, Parker, Tatum, Mackenzie and Madison.

November 25, 2011 at 7:19 pm

At the lighting of the Xmas tree in Reston, VA. To take part in this Norman Rockwell wet dream, break out your best Gap sweater and remember there's a two kid minimum.

November 25, 2011 at 3:43 pm

I used to think I had a cool, hip wife, then I found out that she’s been to Michael’s three times today.

November 25, 2011 at 12:51 pm

If I end up going to the Bob Seger concert tonight, I am going to slow dance the shit out of “We’ve Got Tonight”, middle-school style.

November 24, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Every year at my in-laws we play a game after Thanksgiving dinner. This year it’s my turn to choose, and I’m going with spin the bottle. I just hope that my father-in-law doesn’t taste like gin and cranberry sauce.

November 23, 2011 at 3:44 pm

My daughter is the only kid in the family under the age of 22. She is going to be the poster child for the saddest Thanksgiving Kid’s table of all time.

November 22, 2011 at 10:49 am

Bad News: I hit a possum on the way home last night. Good News: My company potluck is today. Hello silver lining.

November 21, 2011 at 8:12 pm

With the holidays fast approaching it’s time to check on my two New year’s resolutions:

1. Eat a vegetable other than a potato
2. Befriend a midget so that I can obnoxiously go around yelling “Say hello to my little friend”. Damn, it looks like I’m 0 for 2.

November 20, 2011 at 10:05 am

It’s been awhile since I woke up with a club stamp on my hand. I think the last time was when I got a free t-shirt at Club Vandersexxx in Amsterdam.

November 19, 2011 at 7:33 pm

Just updated my resume to include creating kick ass iPod playlists to my list of skills.

November 19, 2011 at 11:41 am

I’ve been styling my chest hair for an hour already. That can only mean one thing…It’s Super Diamond Saturday.

November 16, 2011 at 8:54 am

I’m totally jealous of my daughter because she can get her entire hand all the way to the bottom of a Pringles can.

November 15, 2011 at 9:11 pm

My buddy has been waking up at night screaming from the explosions in his head. Sadly, he’s not a vet with PTSD, he just plays Call of Duty waaaaay too much.

November 15, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Today is “I love to write day” so here is my Haiku:

I love to write day

Makes me want to celebrate

I hate to read day

November 14, 2011 at 4:09 pm

When my daughter was 2 she had a cyst taken out of her neck leaving a small scar. What I will be telling her future boyfriends is that she had her Adam’s Apple removed because we always wanted a girl.

November 13, 2011 at 8:33 am

The wife turns 40 today. I overheard her on the phone last night telling her sister that all she wanted for her birthday was a big black clock for her entry way. At least I hope she said clock.

November 12, 2011 at 10:53 am

Checking out some roller derby tonight. I just know that I’m going to feel so under-pierced.

November 9, 2011 at 9:21 am

Piano bar with my company tomorrow. I’ve been working on my pick-up lines: “Hi, my name is Paul and I’m a real estate novelist. Have any of you ladies seen Davy?

November 8, 2011 at 4:33 pm

The Duggar family announced that they are having baby #20. I know what my turtleneck sweater looks like after I’ve worn it 20 times, so I can only imagine…

November 7, 2011 at 11:15 am

Every time I complimented my daughter last night she took off an article of clothing. I had to convince her that just because a guy says you look nice doesn’t mean you immediately take off your skirt.

November 5, 2011 at 5:49 pm

Mike Shanahan and his family were at the table next to us during lunch today. I’m not saying that the guy needs to give the tanning bed a rest, but at first glance I thought he was Elmo.

November 4, 2011 at 12:22 pm

My daughter always cheats at Uno. I tried explaining that she’s only cheating herself, but she was too busy doing crotch chops and yelling” I’m the best and you’re the rest”.

November 3, 2011 at 3:29 pm

My daughter is excited to start her pageant career, but I had to explain to her that “pooping like a man” doesn’t qualify as a talent.

November 1, 2011 at 6:18 pm

Best part of my day was realizing that I still know every word to the fast part of
“Hook” by Blues Traveler.

Facebook in October

October 30, 2011 at 12:18 pm

My wife's greatest fear, alone with me in a movie theater. Let the incessant requests for inappropriate touching begin.

October 26, 2011 at 8:37 pm

I just bought my wife a sewing machine from woot.com for her birthday. If she plays her cards right, maybe she'll get a loom for x-mas. Back off ladies I'm taken.

October 26, 2011 at 4:39 pm

The wife asked "Do you want your half-shirt folded or hung up?". Surprisingly, thrown out was not part of her question, so the game "How many candy corns can I get in my belly-button?" is back on for tonight.

October 25, 2011 at 6:29 pm

I may have bought my Halloween candy too early, because I now need to buy it again. I have about as much will power as Gary Glitter in a Bangkok YWCA.

October 23, 2011 at 8:20 pm

Watching Caillou tonight and at the beach they don't have any nipples or belly-buttons, and then at the pool they magically appear. I told the little one that if she doesn't behave the nipple fairy will come and steal her "buttons".

October 22, 2011 at 11:15 am

Is there anything better than four lesbians covering Zeppelin tunes? I'll know the answer later tonight if I can find parking among all the Subaru Outbacks.

October 21, 2011 at 3:39 pm

My daughter has her Halloween costume down to two choices, a mermaid or Casey Anthony. The jury's still out on which one she'll go with.

October 21, 2011 at 8:41 am

This morning I guessed my kids art project on the first try. What do I win?

October 20, 2011 at 8:23 am

This morning I uttered the following phrase for the first time in my life: "Shit, I forgot to make banana bread." Sometimes, I really hate myself.

October 19, 2011 at 1:12 pm

I feel weird giving a "like" to pictures of other peoples kids, but I guess it's better than leaving the comment "Soooo sexy".

October 18, 2011 at 5:35 pm

I wish that i got excited about anything as much as my daughter gets excited about watching Scooby Doo.

October 17, 2011 at 5:10 pm

Saturday night at the Pens game, the wife and I were on JumboTron. This is bad news for anyone who sits next to me at future sporting events, because inevitably they will hear me say "This one time at a hockey game...".

October 17, 2011 at 1:40 pm

I think the pumpkin farm we visited today was owned by hippies. There were a lot of people lost in the marijuana maze.

October 15, 2011 at 4:33 pm

I think I just got suckered into shopping by the promise of food and beer in an "up and coming" neighborhood.

October 15, 2011 at 12:44 pm

My uncle said the Penguins tickets for tonight were 10th row and they're actually 11th row. Of course I didn't bring my binoculars. (white people problems)

October 14, 2011 at 11:52 am

On my flight last night I played fuck, marry, kill with the three women sitting in front of me. By the end of the flight I changed the game to kill, kill, kill.

October 12, 2011 at 6:33 pm

I'm pretty sure that the fathers of the wait staff at this bar owe their daughters an apology.

October 12, 2011 at 12:26 pm

In Tampa this week. You know your city has a lot of strip clubs when the ATM's let you take out singles.

October 11, 2011 at 7:46 pm

Lifetime is remaking Steel Magnolias with an all black cast. Has somebody been reading my diary?

October 11, 2011 at 12:13 pm

A license plate that says “I Brake for Quilts” I just found my soul mate!

October 10, 2011 at 6:12 pm

I might have to buy a white trash cookbook, because I have to find a way to get more Pillsbury Crescent Rolls into my diet.

October 10, 2011 at 7:12 am

Good thing I've been playing the game Operation a lot lately. My daughter got a splinter, so I pictured it as a tiny wrench and pulled it right out. A few more games and I'll be ready to do my own vasectomy.

October 8, 2011 at 9:31 am

Week 4 of soccer and they're finally going to start working on their Brandi Chastain goal celebrations. Sports bras and spray tan abs for everyone!

October 7, 2011 at 8:29 am

Nutella on a bagel for breakfast. Damn, I love a nice warm nut-bag first thing in the morning.

October 6, 2011 at 9:15 am

I was feeling like backpack full of AIDS until I read my cough drop wrapper full of positive reinforcement. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go and put my game face on.

October 3, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Best thing about Omaha, I just did three shots of ranch dressing and no one even batted an eye. If anything they looked at me like I was a lightweight.

October 2, 2011 at 8:32 am

It's a strong indicator that you don't have a healthy lifestyle when the first thing your kid says to you in the morning is "You're alive Daddy, you're alive!".

October 1, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Off to Lightfoot for dinner tonight. I'm looking forward to eating a steak as big as George Costanza's wallet

Facebook in September

September 30, 2011 at 9:46 am

Off and running on a 16 hour work day. I can't wait to tell the kid I sponsor in New Delhi, who spends 14 hours stitching soccer balls, to suck it.

September 29, 2011 at 8:23 pm

I'm at Costco watching a guy return a 60" flat-screen TV, and it's like watching Vada at the end of "My Girl" yell “His glasses, he needs his glasses!”. You try to choke it down, but you just have to tear up a bit.

September 27, 2011 at 1:17 pm

Thanks to DWTS my daughter now has the scariest Halloween costume on the block. She's going as Nancy Grace's nipple.

September 24, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Thanks for all of the birthday wishes. Time to do a little stretching before squeezing into my size 40 "skinny" jeans. Nothings says I'm bringing sexy back, like rocking a sweet moose-knuckle. Ladies, my eyes are up here. (You're welcome for the visual!)

September 23, 2011 at 1:16 pm

I got worked by a mosquito last night It looks like I have "War and Peace" written in braille on my leg.

September 22, 2011 at 6:32 pm

The circus is shaping up to be great tonight except for Creepy the Clown in the parking lot. I hope that was a horn on his pocket.

September 21, 2011 at 10:13 am

Circus tomorrow! So hard to say that without a sing-songy lisp.

September 19, 2011 at 10:26 am

‎"I can't believe we lost again!" Oh wait, it's Talk Like a Pirate day, not Talk Like a Pittsburgh Pirate day.

September 17, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Just saw some Amish girls at the Breezewood, PA Starbucks on Facebook...craziest rumspringa ever!!!

September 15, 2011 at 6:21 pm

I realized today that I've never heard the song "Ruby Tuesday" at a Ruby Tuesdays, but I have heard the Red Hot Chili Peppers at a Chipotle.

September 13, 2011 at 7:24 pm

Just walked to McDonald's for a milkshake, and contrary to what I've been told, when I got home there were no boys in my yard.

September 12, 2011 at 11:29 pm

I'm headed to Omaha, NE next month for work. Time to dust off all of my witty anecdotes about corn.

September 11, 2011 at 8:21 pm

Actually went to a party last night that didn't involve goodie bags or suspicious looks from soccer Moms.

September 10, 2011 at 12:16 pm

I hit an all time dining low today when I dipped a quesadilla into a bowl of queso. I think my family saw it as a cheesy cry for help.

September 8, 2011 at 2:24 pm

The kid is signed up for soccer, so operation “full ride to UNC” is under way. No pressure, but if she sucks then we go to plan B, operation “put yourself through community college by working at Applebees”.

September 8, 2011 at 8:31 am

It's National Kiss Day, so I went to work dressed as Gene Simmons. I think I misunderstood the holiday.

September 7, 2011 at 5:31 pm

Having the lights replaced in our bathrooms. The wife wants recessed lighting, but I'm thinking strobe lights above the showers and a disco ball above the big tub would be more interesting.

September 3, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Cranking some AC/DC in the car, I just turned around, pointed at my daughter and sang at the top of my lungs "Yooooou shook me all night long...". I'll take awkward father-daughter moments for $200 Alex.

September 3, 2011 at 9:06 am

I woke up this morning and did three sit-ups in a row. Of course I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express in Altoona last night.

September 3, 2011 at 7:01 am

Up at 5:30 am on a Saturday watching an early 80's Alan Alda movie, I'm pretty sure this is one of Dante's circles of hell.

September 2, 2011 at 4:09 pm

Signing my daughter up for tee ball. Based on years of watching America's Funniest Home Videos, I'll be wearing a cup at all times.

September 1, 2011 at 6:03 pm

I haven't done much prep for my fantasy football draft tonight. Anyone know where Brett Favre is playing this year?

Facebook in August

August 30, 2011 at 9:40 pm

So can we tell Rebecca Black that she can’t sing, or are we still keeping that on the down low?

August 29, 2011 at 3:44 pm

Delivering two training sessions at the Pentagon tomorrow. I heard they love “Yo Momma” jokes, so I think that will be a good ice breaker.

August 28, 2011 at 8:42 am

The aftermath of hurricane Irene. The kitchen and liquor cabinet took a direct hit, but the only damage was to everyone’s liver.

August 27, 2011 at 9:56 am

Just walked past an Abercrombie Kids store, the three year old out front without a shirt on seemed a bit inappropriate.

August 26, 2011 at 5:12 pm

I really hope this weekend pays off so I can finally understand what the Scorpions meant when they said they were going to rock me like a hurricane.

August 25, 2011 at 7:05 pm

Is there anything cuter than a little girl sitting in a urinal?

August 24, 2011 at 7:38 pm

Steve Jobs is recommending Tim Cook as the next CEO of Apple. I bet his brother Han is going to be pissed.

August 23, 2011 at 4:46 pm

Note to self: Daycare providers don’t appreciate shaken baby jokes, even after an earthquake.

August 23, 2011 at 2:16 pm

(After the 5.9 earthquake hit VA) Looks like I picked the wrong day to host a Jenga tournament.

August 22, 2011 at 1:21 pm

A huge cicada flew into my car while I was driving. I quickly went through my list of defenses, run, make myself look bigger, play dead, but I went with flailing like I was having a seizure and screaming like a little girl.

August 21, 2011 at 9:30 pm

Kicked some field goals and played some soccer on Friday night and today I feel like I went 3 rounds with Clubber Lang. My abs haven’t hurt this much since I accidentally did a crunch trying to get off the couch while holding my laptop.

August 20, 2011 at 1:59 pm

This trip to Delaware is turning into a Lord of the Rings movie, it just keeps going and going with no end in sight.

August 18, 2011 at 10:59 am

My daughter is excited to go to the county fair tonight. I’m going to use it as a scared straight opportunity to get her to brush her teeth twice a day.

August 16, 2011 at 12:18 pm

In Baltimore for a conference this week. Should I act like a tourist and get crabs or should I act like a local and get some crack?

August 15, 2011 at 11:06 pm

I picked out my new license plate this morning. I’m getting SRLKLR on a Choose Life background.

August 12, 2011 at 4:35 pm

Single Dad for the next two days. Time to teach my daughter the art of the foot massage.

August 10, 2011 at 4:26 pm

In a bathroom at the Miami airport and I have a quick question for my fellow drug mules out there. Latex or sheepskin?

August 9, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Ahhhh beautiful Miami Beach, famous for its straight, overweight, white men in polo shirts and khaki shorts. I have a feeling I’m going to fit in nicely here.

August 8, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Off to Miami for work tomorrow. For the record I might shake my body, but under no circumstance will I be doing the Conga.

August 6, 2011 at 6:54 pm

Not a big fan of Winnie the Pooh, but the wife will probably make me go see the movie because she’s a Tigger lover.

August 6, 2011 at 11:10 am

Sometimes at the playground my daughter just wanders around like an anorexic tween at an all you can eat buffet.

August 5, 2011 at 1:07 pm

Every year I go to Redskins training camp and every year when I get there I immediately feel like Clark Griswold at the Grand Canyon.

August 5, 2011 at 11:46 pm

Saw a transgender shooting on the news and the interview was on Dix road. The only way it could have been better is if it was on North Dix road or “No. Dix Road” for short.

August 1, 2011 at 6:48 pm

I think we’ve been eating out too much lately. When we sat down at Red Robin my daughter told us the specials, took our drink order and tried to upsell us some apps before the waiter came.

Facebook in July

July 31, 2011 at 11:49 am

My daughter apparently learned to bury her poop by watching my sister-in-law's cat. Potty training, beach edition, is now officially complete

July 29, 2011 at 6:23 pm

All you can eat crab legs, more like all you can drink butter. Someone get me a straw and a cardiologist.

July 28, 2011 at 5:12 pm

I'm assuming the one set of footprints I saw in the sand this morning was when Jesus carried my drunk ass back up to my room last night.

July 27, 2011 at 7:54 pm

My daughter just went for a sunset walk on the beach with some Dutch kid. I'm sure she'll be fine.

July 27, 2011 at 5:12 pm

This vacation condo's a rental so you know I'm gonna stomp the shit out of the floor when G-n-R's Paradise City comes on the iPod.

July 27, 2011 at 8:44 am

I'm off to eat my way into a saltwater taffy coma. So if you see a fat guy on the beach with sticky shit all over him, don't try and wake him up, just let the sweet, sweet taffy run its course.

July 26, 2011 at 1:31 pm

By this time tomorrow I'll be sharing dirty needles under the boardwalk in Ocean City, MD.

July 23, 2011 at 4:38 pm

Feeling a little dehydrated today, I went to take a piss a small puff of yellow smoke came out. Is that bad?

July 23, 2011 at 8:58 pm

Reggae-fest with my company today. Odds of me dying of heat stroke while doing the white man reggae head bob, are currently at 2:1

July 22, 2011 at 12:36 pm

Just saw a woman in a burka pulling a suitcase on the side of the road. Must be strange for Muslim women to pack for a trip. Ok, if we do a nice dinner I'll need my black burka, and if I'm out by the pool, I'll want to wear my black burka, but if we go somewhere more casual, again, I'm going to go with the black burka.

July 21, 2011 at 10:57 am

I heard that my mother-in-law actually took off her sweater this morning. Damn, it must be hot outside.

July 19, 2011 at 8:46 pm

I must have been in a hot tub time machine, because there were phone books on my porch when I got home today. The last time I used a phone book, I tripped over my Rubik's Cube and tore my Men at Work t-shirt.

July 18, 2011 at 7:43 pm

For some strange reason these are the only coins I find in the laundry. When I wash my shirts I call it the starch of dimes. High five!

July 18, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Hey, 40 something, overweight guy riding his bike to work, you’re not in the Tour de France so why are you all geared up? Would you dress up like a clown to drive a Volkswagon Beetle to the office?

July 17, 2011 at 7:44 pm

Had a mini riot on my street after the US women’s soccer team lost to Japan in the World Cup finals today. I kicked the tires on a Honda Odyssey and then refused to eat sushi. White Rage!!!

July 16, 2011 at 10:14 am

I realized that my wife was hitting middle age this morning, when I counted 15 vases in our house, and only one contained flowers.

July 16, 2011 at 9:02 pm

Off to Top Chef star Mike Isabella's new restaurant tonight. Hopefully, it will be as good as Padma looks, or else I'll have to ask him to pack his knives and go.

July 14, 2011 at 6:54 pm

I'm totally quitting Netflix in protest of their new rate hike, just as soon as I get through the final season of "The New Adventures of Old Christine".

July 12, 2011 at 2:42 pm

New York has banned the sale of puppies to people who appear intoxicated. I don't know about you, but after a few margaritas I always pick up a Chihuahua on my way home.

July 10, 2011 at 8:18 pm

These are pants, not shorts, and this Coke has no whiskey in it. Ahhhh shit, vacation must be over.

July 9, 2011 at 6:09 pm

If the media ever needs my picture, I insist that they use my FB profile photo. Especially, if the headline is "Area Man in Critical Condition After Bar Fight with Handicapped, Little Person."

July 8, 2011 at 5:29 pm

After a week away, it's so nice to come home to a memory foam bed that has the perfect indentations of my balls.

July 8, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Turn up the AC/DC cuz I'm on the highway to hell (a/k/a the Pennsylvania Turnpike)

July 7, 2011 at 8:37 pm

I think my daughter is in love with her first cousin. It might be time to have the banjo babies talk

July 7, 2011 at 12:14 pm

This restaurant is playing all the great tunes from my iPod. They are one 2 Live Crew song away from me going all karaoke up in here.

July 6, 2011 at 5:37 pm

The Crawford name can only be carried on by two people and one of them just went down the "Slip and Castrate" in the back yard.

July 3, 2011 at 10:31 pm

At last the grand finale, I didn't think I could hold this fart in any longer.

July 2, 2011 at 7:45 am

Big bucks, no whammies aaaaand stop! "You've landed on a vacation for 3 to beautiful Pittsburgh, PA. We'll drive you and your family 4 hours north where you'll enjoy dinners outside, an Olympic size swimming pool and an open bar. A prize package worth $367!". Road trip yinz bitches!

July 1, 2011 at 2:41 pm

‎3 things I always do on Canada Day
1. Listen to the McKenzie brothers and Geddy Lee sing "Take Off".
2. Pay for everything with Loonies
3. Stand on guard for thee

Facebook in June

June 30, 2011 at 5:04 pm

When my daughter gets out of the pool at the end of her swimming lessons, she always has the thousand yard stare, like she's seen some messed up stuff that she can't talk about. I think I need to find a doctor that specializes in treating PTSD, post traumatic swimming disorder.

June 28, 2011 at 7:54 am

I went to McDonalds yesterday and they weren’t serving burgers because the grill was broken. I wanted to yell “Where’s the beef?”, but since it wasn’t 1984, and it wouldn’t have been funny then either, I just drove away.

June 27, 2011 at 7:23 pm

Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, but it’s a great way to spend a vacation. Four more days until I’m drinking bourbon poolside like it’s a court ordered community service requirement.

June 26, 2011 at 9:15 am

The only clean underwear I have is a pair of long johns, so unless it’s 30 degrees outside it looks like a commando morning. I must remember to fear and respect the zipper in these situations. A life lesson I learned the hard way at the age of 6.

June 25, 2011 at 7:35 pm

Great tunes, plenty of drinks and no kids. Tonight is going to be a series of bad decisions. I hope the 12 year olds up front did their push-ups this morning cuz Daddy is crowd surfing tonight.

June 24, 2011 at 10:01 am

I’m pretty sure if I let my daughters friends play on this giant rubber hot dog, that Chris Hansen from “To catch a Predator” would stop by and ask me to have a seat.

June 23, 2011 at 5:27 pm

My buddy wants to host a Civil War themes dinner party, and he asked me what he should serve. I told him to do an online poll, but if he wants to stay true to the theme then the women and black votes shouldn’t count.

June 22, 2011 at 6:14 pm

The wife went to the Dr. today for a strained forearm. He said she needed to strengthen her muscles, so I showed her how I got my Popeye forearms. I also stressed that it needs to be done every day, even if it starts to feel like a job.

June 21, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Sometimes when I eat corn I give it a wink and a nod, like hey I’ll see you later.

June 20, 2011 at 6:03 pm

I tried to get a picture of the girl with the BJGIRL license plate, but I could only see the top of her head.

June 19, 2011 at 5:49 pm

I left the casino up a couple hundred, not I can finally get that tattoo on my lower back of the Chinese word for tattoo.

June 19, 2011 at 10:44 am

Big day for all of you fathers out there, or as I like to call you, “guys who weren’t afraid to roll the unprotected sex dice”. Thanks Dad!

June 18, 2011 at 5:41 pm

I just donated a bunch of t-shirts to African kids. I feel like a dickhead because a couple of them had food stains. It was like attaching an F.U. note that said “Not only do I have a bunch of extra clothes, but I also have so much food I can’t keep it all in my mouth.”

June 18, 2011 at 12:03 pm

I didn’t realize that we were eating at a farm fresh restaurant and I asked if the mushrooms were canned. From the look on the waitresses face you’d have thought I asked to give her a breast exam.

June 17, 2011 at 6:32 pm

Do port-o-potty’s come pre-pooped in? Just once I want to take a piss onto something other than what appears to be a pile of amputated Pakistani baby’s arms.

June 17, 2011 at 7:13 am

My daughter came downstairs this morning to me in her playroom dancing sans shirt, with a whistle and a bullhorn yelling “Everybody get on the dance floor!”. I’m guessing by her screaming and crying that Gay Night Club isn’t her favorite game.

June 16, 2011 at 8:21 pm

It’s not a new iPhone app and it’s not a euphemism for a wife swap, but tonight we had “tacos with friends” and it was money.

June 15, 2011 at 2:01 pm

I put a Munchhausen by Proxy Syndrome sticker on my car and then I added a bunch of those family/people decals to the back window. In a few months I’m going to start removing the kids decals one by one to see if anyone notices.

June 14, 2011 at 9:15 am

Male gay pride should be on display everywhere today! Oh wait, my bad, small typo here, it’s actually Flag Day.

June 12, 2011 at 5:18 pm

I like to go to family style restaurants alone and cop a “Don’t judge me” attitude with everyone. Tonight it’s Maggiano’s. “I’ll have a large spaghetti, and yes I know how many people it feeds, garlic tits.”.

June 11, 2011 at 8:26 pm

Just when I didn’t think the crowd for the Bright Eyes concert couldn’t get any whiter an albino guy walks by.

June 11, 2011 at 2:14 am

Ahhhh, so nice to get the first pee in the pool of the season under my belt. (Literally)

June 11, 2011 at 10:00 am

The air conditioning is out. I haven’t been this hot since my unit was humping through rice paddies outside of Da Nang in ’72.

June 10, 2011 at 9:17 pm

Eating a footlong corndog tonight made me realize that I made the right decision not going into gay porn.

June 7, 2011 at 10:32 am

I love being woken up in the middle of the night by a hysterically screaming child. Is she hurt? Is she sick? Was she clubbed in the ankle to keep her from skating in the Olympics? No, she just rolled over on her bracelet and broke off the charm.

June 5, 2011 at 10:57 am

I went to clean up my daughter’s playroom and I found two naked Barbies embracing each other on the floor. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, because I did buy the “This One Time in College” Barbie.

June 4, 2011 at 11:10 am

“Totally worth every minute this takes off of my life”. What I think right before I eat at Five Guys.

June 3, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Today’s Baghdad Groupon is for 73 virgins in paradise if you martyr yourself by June 3, 2012. BUY!

June 2, 2011 at 5:57 pm

Watching my daughter open pistachios for me while I drink a margarita sure makes me question my stance on slavery.

June 1, 2011 at 5:57 pm

Journey tribute band at Herndon Festival tomorrow night. I might have to dedicate “Lovin’ Touchin’, Squeezin’” to my first funnel cake of the season.

Facebook in April / May

May 31, 2011 at 2:19 pm

A bird flew into our office this morning and then died attempting to exit through a closed door. Now, I can finally get the two in the bush that I’ve had my eye on. The silver lining to this story is that every time a bird breaks its neck a blind kid gets a pet.

May 30, 2011 at 12:19 pm

My daughter wouldn’t stop acting like a dog, so I showed her the end of old Yeller where the kid shoots his rabid dog, and now she’s back to her old self. What has two thumbs and solves problems? This guy!

May 29, 2011 at 12:59 pm

I don’t think I fully thought through the idea of getting some wings and watching a body modification documentary.

May 28, 2011 at 4:13 pm

If I owned an adult bookstore I would install a self checkout lane, just to hear the computer voice say things like “Please move your super grip, titanium, nipple clamps to the belt”.

May 27, 2011 at 8:55 am

I think the guy at Costco was taken aback when I took my shirt off for the membership photo. He looked like my little league coach, so it was just a Pavlovian response. I’m just glad he didn’t look like my Priest that would have been embarrassing.

May 26, 2011 at 12:07 pm

At a Mexican restaurant in a predominantly Hispanic neighborhood and it’s all white people. That’s like walking into Pottery Barn in the suburbs and it being nothing but black people.

May 26, 2011 at 6:53 am

The scariest part of the villain on Scooby Doo this morning is her bra-less, droopy, liver-spotted chest. Hopefully, by tonight this show will just be a bad mammary.

May 25, 2011 at 1:19 pm

I just saw the bumper sticker “Proud to be a Realtor”. Are you? Maybe I should get one “Proud to be a Product marketing Specialist”. Then again, maybe not.

May 25, 2011 at 7:29 am

I saw this woman driving in the left lane who forgot her right turn signal was on. Naturally, I pulled up beside her in the right lane, put on my left turn signal and drove beside her for a few miles. I’m not sure if the people behind me were amused, but I certainly was. Good start to a Wednesday!

May 24, 2011 at 12:19 pm

I don’t think that the Down Syndrome worker at Potbelly’s is enjoying the acoustic guitar selection today. Maybe the guitarist should throw in some “Ob-la-di, ob-la-da” to make him happy.

May 22, 2011 at 7:21 pm

Here I go again naively throwing a head of lettuce in the crisper, fully believing that I’ll use it before it becomes a brown vegetable smoothie.

May 20, 2011 at 6:58 pm

The concert series we go to every Friday is sponsored by the Herndon Optimist club. I want to start a Herndon pessimist club, but I don’t think it will work.

May 19, 2011 at 3:04 pm

I really hope hat Dick Clark does the countdown to the rapture on Saturday, because the last thing on my bucket list is to chug a PBR tall boy while a stroke victim counts backwards from 10.

May 17, 2011 at 7:46 pm

My wife came home with the only item she didn’t own from Anthroplogie, an apron, and she doesn’t even cook. Maybe she thinks that if she dresses like a maid a Governor will father her love child.

May 16, 2011 at 8:54 pm

My daughter starts swimming today, so I showed her some footage of Michael Phelps to get her excited. Unfortunately, it was the video of him doing bong hits, which only got me excited.

May 15, 2011 at 10:56 am

Wow, the casting of that middle-aged woman on a commercial I just watched was absolutely perfect. I totally believed that she suffered from extra heavy periods. She had that look in her eyes that was a mix of embarrassment, discomfort and a longing to wear white pants. Totally committed to her role.

May 13, 2011 at 6:52 pm

Nothing says family entertainment like a father/daughter dance to Marvin Gaye’s “Sexual Healing”.

May 13, 2011 at 12:42 pm

I read that a 36 year old Brazilian woman won the right to masturbate at work. Damn, I didn’t think that you needed special permission, all these years I’ve just been hanging a sock on my office door.

May 12, 2011 at 2:14 pm

Yesterday at Lowes my daughter pointed at this woman with a pony tail and said “I want that one to be my new Mommy”. When the person turned around, it was a dude. I looked at her and said “You learned a valuable life lesson today my friend.” Then we just laughed and laughed.

May 10, 2011 at 7:26 pm

As my daughter attempted to go up the tube slide I yelled across the playground ‘Exit only honey!”. I turned to the lady next to me and said “I’m starting to sound like my wife.”. She left two minutes later. Good times.

May 8, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Happy Mother’s Day to the Mom’s on “16 and Pregnant”. My advice to all of you is to give your boyfriends one more chance. I just know it will be different this time.

May 7, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Testosterone: Side effects may include smoking meats for hours, drinking heavily, gambling and buying expensive electronics. Yeah, it’s going to be that kind of day.

May 6, 2011 at 8:29 am

I’m just sitting here in my “Party of Five” t-shirt, drinking a Killian’s Irish Red and rocking out to some Hootie and the Blowfish. You know, the same thing I was doing 16 years ago on my wedding day. Happy anniversary to the luckiest girl in the world, Kate Middleton for surviving her first week, and also the unluckiest girl in the world, my wife.

May 5, 2011 at 5:14 pm

Jaysus feckhole I’m old. I just pulled a muscle from coughing. At this rate I’m afraid to sneeze or I might need a hip replacement.

May 4, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Working on my Mother’s Day gift, do I go with flowers that say I’m a cliché with $70, or do I register her for an account on whitewomenblackmen.com that says it’s time to start crossing things off your bucket list?

May 2, 2011 at 8:17 pm

My better half is watching a bunch of Navy Seals kick some ass on the news, while I am losing my third game of “Pretty, Pretty Princess” in a row. It’s nice to know that after all these years I can still find new ways to disappoint my wife.

April 29, 2011 at 7:57 am

Birthday party for the crumb snatcher tomorrow! This is a great opportunity for me to get to know some of the parents whose kids go to school with my daughter. First impression means a lot with this crowd, which is why I am frantically searching through my closet for my “Who farted” t-shirt.

April 28, 2011 at 7:18 am

The only way I’m going to watch the Royal Wedding tomorrow is if Prince Harry wears his Nazi costume during the nuptials.

April 27, 2011 at 7:12 am

When we found you behind Jimmy’s Old Town Tavern, we knew instantly that you were a keeper because you were the first one we found alive. Jackpot! Happy 4^th Birthday, I mean, Dumpster Day, to my one and only white, trash baby.

April 25, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Just got on an elevator made by Schindler. I have to say it feels pretty good to be on Schindler’s lift.

April 24, 2011 at 7:31 am

The 2011 Adult Video Awards are on Showtime, perfect start to my Easter Sunday. Gives new meaning to the term “He has risen.”.

April 23, 2011 at 11:58 am

Really McDonalds? A double filet-o-fish? Maybe it’s just me but I’ve never been like “You know what this sandwich needs? More goddamn fish.”.

April 22, 2011 at 2:12 pm

The wife is getting out of work early today, apparently they are all getting together and nailing the manorexic dude in finance to a cross. You know your company is hardcore when they use crucifixion as a team building event.

April 21, 2011 at 3:24 pm

Well it doesn’t look like I’ll be rockin’ the Jesus abs by Easter, but I am on pace to develop Type II diabetes by Halloween.

April 20, 2011 at 9:47 pm

In hindsight naming our kid Maggie instead of JonBenet was probably a good call.

April 19, 2011 at 9:36 pm

Well I guess these eggs aren’t going to get drunk and color themselves.

April 18, 2011 at 3:13 pm

Finally, a nice quiet evening to myself. I just dropped the little one off by helicopter in the back woods of Pennsylvania for a game we call “Maggie Vs. Wild”. She has 24 hours to get back to civilization using only her survival kills and a British accent.

April 15, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Single Dad for the next 5 days. The kid and I are going to settle in like it’s the last days of Hitler’s Bunker, minus all the yelling in German, silly mustaches and suicide pacts.

April 14, 2011 at 12:32 pm

I picked up the wife’s pills for her, when the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about the medication I held up a box of tampons in my cart and said “So far, so good.” I can’t wait until I start taking Viagra.

April 13, 2011 at 11:47 pm

I guess my experiment of tongue kissing everyone hello has hit a snag, I’m getting sick. Damn you Steve in Accounting!

April 11, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Obnoxious kid at my daughter’s school insisted I was Ryan’s Dad even after I told him he was mistaken. I wanted to pull him aside and say “Listen Bucko, I’m Maggie’s Dad, not Ryan’s, but if you see Ryan’s Mom and she’s a total MILF, then I’d be happy to play the part of Ryan’s Dad.”

April 8, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Just saw a handicapped woman smoking, texting and driving in the rain. Talk about handicapable.

April 7, 2011 at 8:18 pm

I just finished the Sammy Hagar book on the iPad. It was the first book I’ve read where I didn’t lose the crumpled up receipt that always ends up as my bookmark.

April 6, 2011 at 6:17 pm

Out to dinner with the family and I just got carded. I told the waitress that it happens all the time because we look like the couple on the first season of 16 and Pregnant.

April 5, 2011 at 1:25 pm

66 year old Rod Stewart just had a baby boy. His other kids must be totally psyched. I remember when I was 31 begging my Dad for a baby brother and getting denied.

April 2, 2011 at 9:47 pm

Any night that involves David Allan Coe and bourbon gets a check/plus in life’s grade-book.

March 31, 2011 at 7:14 pm

Taking my chick out for some grub and tunes in Arlington tomorrow night. Anyone know how much Ambien it takes to knock out a 40 pound 3 year old for 6 hours?

March 30, 2011 at 3:24 pm

PETA is giving away a free vasectomy if you have your pet spayed or neutered. Not a big fan of free medical procedures involving my manjigglies, but I am looking forward to their next promotion, if you have your pet put down you can get a family member euthanized for free.