Tommy Used to Work on the Docks

I am usually a very decisive person, who wastes little time on research and data. I do not hang out in the grocery store aisle and evaluate products based on price and health value, I grab an item, throw it in the cart and move on. I don't stand at the deli and read the entire menu, I pick something I like and move on. Even when buying big ticket items, like TV's, cars and houses, I see what I want, buy it and move on. There's no regret, no debate, no flip-flopping, no wasted time, which is why my recent decision regarding my employment was so out of the ordinary for me.

In this economy where people are having trouble finding one job, I find myself with two. A Ménage à trois gone bad, where I have to choose between two lovers. Do I keep the Broyhill dinette set that I've already won or do I trade it for the mystery box? So there I stand, dressed in my Axl Rose costume, next to Monty Hall with that John Holmes silver microphone he uses, shoved in my face. The crowd is screaming, the lights are flashing and I am like a deer in the headlights pondering my next move. Dinette set? Mystery box? Dinette set? Mystery box? Having to make a decision I say "Fuck it Monty, I am going with the mystery box." (Crowd erupts with enthusiasm)

I may end up with a brand new car or I might end up with a case of Turtle wax. Stay tuned, we'll find out on September 15th, when I start my new gig. Worse case scenario, it sucks, I quit, and end up turning tricks in the park. I'm guessing there aren't a lot of overweight, middle-aged male prostitutes out there, so maybe I can fill a niche market. Besides, who wouldn't pay top dollar to have a nice set of hairy moobs smashed into their back as they spoon before drifting off to sleep?

I know you are all sitting at your computers, reading this blog, hitting the refresh button every ten seconds and praying for a new profanity laden rant to pop up, but I am on vacation next week, so no new posts until September. I know that I have been less than prolific with my posting lately, but come the fall I'm sure I'll have plenty to say. Before I go I will leave you with a final profanity laced rant about a guy who couldn't make a decision.

Amy and I had a layover in Kansas City on our way back to Denver and the flight was over sold, so they were taking names of volunteers who would give up their seat for a free ticket. We are second in line behind this classic Denver mountain ski-bum type guy. He has that unshowered, granola vibe and his skin radiates an orange oompa-loompa glow from being exposed to the sun and wind too often. The kind of guy who addresses everyone as "bro" or "dude", and always has his backpack on with a Nalgene water bottle hanging from it. Anyway, our flight is about to pull away from the gate and this guy won't just submit his name and take the free fucking ticket, he decides to negotiate like he's the goddamn number one NFL draft pick.

Mountain Man: Will you pay for my ride to Breckenridge?
Airline Employee: Sir we are only offering the free ticket.
Me (under my breath): Make a fucking call.
Mountain Man: Will you reimburse me for my lift ticket?
Airline Employee: I'm sorry sir we don't do that.
Me (in a whisper): Dude, make a fucking call.
Mountain Man: Will you pay for my hotel tonight?
Airline Employee: You just get a free ticket.
Me (slightly more audible): Seriously, make a fucking call.
Mountain Man: Hmmm, not sure what to do here.
Airline Employee: Sir the flight is about to leave.
Me: For the love of Christ make a fucking call already.
Mountain Man: I'll take the free ticket. Then he turns and says to me "Get off my back!"

And scene...

While I am out next week, please enjoy my new time waster, making famous Wii characters online. I got this idea from Paste Magazine, the best music mag. out there. They had a page of famous musicians as Wii characters, so I decided to try my hand at it. Here is what I came up with, I call him Geddy Wii.

Rocky Mountain High, Colorado

I spent the last two days back in the land of mountain lovers and micro-brew drinkers. The flight out was peaceful enough as the guy next to me slept the entire way, but after we landed he became a total wanker. (I know I'm not British, but I have a fondness for their insults) He was on the phone trying to make some business calls, when the flight attendant was giving out baggage claim information . He started off with the ever so lovely "shut up bitch". Then, he talked some more trying to let everyone around him know how important he was, then again he spouted "Hold on, this bitch loves to here herself talk. Shut up BITCH!". Really dude? Congratulations, you get the douche of the day award. Well done.
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Ahhh, clear blue skies, no humidity, Rockies on my left, windows down, tunes up, it's good to be back out West after a four year sabbatical. I hook up for lunch with an old friend, and then we end up at Target as she needs to pick up a gift for her daughter's friend. We are in the store for two minutes when we are asked if we need any help, and I stop in my tracks because the worker spoke perfect english without an accent. I looked around and I suddenly remembered how shockingly white Colorado is, not a minority in sight. If the United States were a Thanksgiving dinner, then Colorado would be the mashed potatoes sans gravy.

After a quick dinner I headed down to meet the old gang for some trivia. We used to play every Tuesday night at Bostons, and we decided to get the band back together for a reunion game. I know it sounds incredibly geeky, but it's a good excuse to drink on a weeknight while imposing your useless knowledge prowess on strangers. Besides, chicks dig overweight guys drinking beer and playing trivia, right? Hey baby, not only can I pound this 32 oz Coors Light, but I also can name the highest mountain in Canada. You might as well just take those panties off right now.

So I am the first one there, I grab a seat, the waitress comes over and holy fucking shit, it's the same waitress that used to serve us 4 years ago. Are you kidding me? And it's not like she is some old lady at a dive that has worked there for 50 years. I know I shouldn't judge, but c'mon at least move up the waitressing ladder from a sports bar to a nicer restaurant like Applebees. Shannon if you somehow find this blog, and assuming you can read, I know you can do better.

My second and last night in Colorado is spent at the Platte, a bar with a huge deck that faces the foothills. Live music, perfect weather, and more of the old gang join me for some beers. The altitude kind of messed with me on day one, so I spent a good portion of the night with my skirt on, drinking water. As I walked out to the truck, I realized that I just spent two nights in Colorado bars and I walked out stone cold sober both nights. I immediately called my AA sponsor and received my two-day sobriety chip. Unfortunately, this episode of intervention will end with the following:

After three days of sober living, Erik relapsed and lost his chip. A concert at Wolf Trap was too much temptation. He is still living at home and continues to drink regularly. (Queue outro music) If you or a loved one is facing addiction please visit http://www.fuckedupbastard.com/

Time to head back East and I board the plane only to realize that the lady sitting in my aisle is so huge that she can't get out of her seat to let me get into the window. I'm not exactly Calista Flockhart, but at least I don't need the jaws of life to get out of an airplane seat. I settle in, and of course the guy in front of me immediately leans his seat back. His head is basically in my lap and I feel like the shampoo girl at Super Cuts for the entire flight. So I have Jabba the Hut on the aisle, Mr. Miyagi next to me and Joe recliner in front of me, here is what my row looked like:

So that was my week in review. In a previous post I quoted Animal House "Fat, Drunk and stupid is no way to go through life" This week I felt thin, sober and smart, and honestly I'd have to say that Dean Wormer is a fucking liar, fat, drunk and stupid is the way to go through life. (Queue the NBC "More You Know" music and graphics)

My Debut Album

I saw this on a message board and thought it was cool. It probably isn't, and is only interesting to me, but it's Friday and I've got nothing to say to you guys because anything interesting that ever happens to me occurs on the weekend.

1 - Go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to Random quotations: http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3 The last four words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

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3 - Go to flickr's "explore the last seven days" http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/ Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

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Put it all together, that's your debut album. Here is mine...

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Zarte - Infinitely the Most Important

I will be out of town next week on business, so I apologize in advance for not posting much. I will try to get drunk this weekend and drive to Mexico with a band of Neil Diamond loving gypsies, so I can at least give you one good post before I go.

Music Helps Me Ease My Mind

I haven't done a music post in awhile, but there is some cool new stuff out there and so far it's been a solid summer. Before we get to the new shit, a quick blog formatting note:

Blog Formatting Note
I added a LastFM widget on the right hand side of the page. If you click on the "View Profile" button you can view a bunch of my music habits like, most played artists, most played songs, recently played songs etc... I also created a playlist in there with some of the stuff I've been listening to lately. In my LastFM profile there is a link called "Crawdaddye's Library" which creates a radio station based on what I play on my iPod/iTunes. If you get bored or want to check out some new stuff give it a spin. It's a sweet site that I've used for a couple of years, and I highly recommend it, especially if you are a music geek like me.

Now let's get to the latest joints yo!

Conor Oberst - Conor Oberst
This guy is a top 10 singer-songwriter in my book. You may know him better as the creative force behind Bright Eyes, and on his first solo effort he produces yet another stellar effort. Some may find his voice a little whiny, but I find it soulful.
Key Tracks: Danny Callahan, Get Well Cards, Milk Thistle

G. Love - Superhero Brother
Garrett AKA G. Love has been a staple in my collection for years and this is yet another solid release. Lemonade was a bit of a let down for me, so it's nice to see him return to form. G. Love is a mix of funky, groovy, ass-shaking music, for hipsters and hippies. He is pals with Jack Johnson, Mason Jennings and Ben Harper, so if you like their shit, then he'll be right up your alley.
Key Tracks: Peace Love and Happyness, Wontcha Come Home, City Livin'

Murder By Death - Red Tooth and Claw
Sadly, I discovered these guys because they had a background track on a Real World epsiode. The band name suggests a metal sound, but they are more like Johnny Cash on steroids. A heavy rockabily feel studded with a plethora of deep chords and underlying string arrangements. They don't really sound like anything else in my collection, which is refreshing.
Key Tracks: Coming Home, '52 Ford, Rumbrave

Cat Power - Jukebox
The jury is still out on Cat Power for me, but she gets a ton of love from the online indie crowd. This is a collection of covers that she broodingly manipulates to match her smoky backroom vocals. It's not an album I can listen to straight through, but when she comes on, her delivery stops everything in the room and takes you to a world of desperate loneliness.
Key Tracks: Song To Bobby, New York New York, Woman Left Lonely

Girl Talk - Feed the Animals
This Pittsburgh native is about to blow up after his much hyped Lollapalooza performance. He is a DJ that samples a ton of songs and mixes them into a single cohesive track. He really isn't my cup of tea, but it is fun to try and name all of the samples. Usually I would delete this stuff off the iPod immediately, but for whatever reason this album has hung round, and is actually growing on me.
Key Tracks: Shut the Club Down, Hands in the Air, No Pause

Beck - Modern Guilt
After going through a dark songwriting period of deep interspection, Beck is back to his old Odelay type self with another old school, throwback album. I am trying to like this release, but it just hasn't stuck in my craw yet.
Key Tracks: Gamma Ray, Walls, Orphans

There are a few big releases on the horizon:
Xavier Rudd (8/19)
Metallica (9/12)
Ben Folds (9/30)

enjoy!

Spamalot

We all get it, we all delete it, but do we ever just read it for fun? I'm talking about spam. I decided to go through all my spam and really take the time to read the offers, that I will never take advantage of. Here is some of the spam I've received recently.


1. CLICK HERE TO MEET CHRISTIAN SINGLES!!!
This ad evokes a lot of questions for me. If you date these Christian chicks will they make you see God? Was it in the book of Genesis after Eve ate the apple, that she started wearing short-shorts and high heals? Wasn't the 11th commandment, "Thou shalt not meet hot christian chicks online"? There better be a link to an online confessional, because after visiting this site you will definitely have some impure thoughts.

2. Click Here to start your career in CSI

From the looks of this guy, it's pretty likely that the only crime scene you'll be investigating is trying to find out who stole the new Ludacris CD from the FYE at the mall. Sorry dexter wannabes, there will be no blood splatter work for you!

3. Click Here to Get started today with Black Singles

You know what they say, once you go black...your parents disown you. That doesn't sound right, maybe it's once you go black...you better have back, or could it be that once you go black...you get your rhythm back. Not sure if it's true, but Maggie was bitten by a little black boy at daycare and the next day she started doing her booty dance. Coincidence?

4. Loudon Music festival presents KC and the Sunshine band.

Hmm, I think this offer is about 30 years too late. I will not be putting on my-my-my boogie shoes. I will not be doing a little dance or making a little love and I most certainly won't be getting down tonight. So you can Shake, Shake, Shake your booty without me, because that is not the way I like it, but thanks for the offer.

5. Get a 3 piece KitchenAid set - Find out how!

Pretty tempting, a free coffee maker, mixer and a blender. You know how I got my free kitchen appliances? I got married. And I didn't have to give up all of my personal information and participate in various other offers to get them either.

I didn't receive any penis enlarging emails this month. I guess the spammers know I'm married, so if they helped me make my penis bigger, I would also need some pills to enhance the size of my right hand. I hope that these offers might help one of you out there. If you're looking for an African-American, Christian who's into cooking and CSI-Mall of America edition, then click the links above and if you're lucky you'll be grooving to some KC & the Sunshine Band at your wedding.

Oooooh That Smell

I smell large, muscle-bulging millionaires sweating in the August sun, either I'm in a Perez Hilton dream sequence or it's football season! Time to rummage through the Steelers boxes out in the garage, and break out the lucky charms for the next six months.

• Flag-check
• Hat-check
• Joe Greene Jersey-check
• Black-n-Gold nipple clamps-check
• Magnet for office-check
• Terrible towel for office-check
• Terrible towel for home-check
• Terrible towel for Maggie-check
• Back-up Terrible towel-check
• Wind chimes-check
• Cleveland Browns toilet paper-check
• "I'd like to add the sports package to my subscription" - check!

The NFL pre-season is officially underway and I head off to bed with visions of Willie Parker TD runs dancing in my head. It's around 11:30 PM and I've just faded into the deep abyss of the netherworld, when I get the call: "Erik, I'm going to need your help in here". I stumble out of bed and disorientedly walk down the hall, when I smell the regurgitated stomach contents of my daughter's dinner. I turn the corner to find my nuclear family covered in partially chewed chicken and squash. Like a well-trained field medic, I spring into action setting up a make-shift triage unit. Get a wash cloth in here stat! I change the bedding, grab a sippy-cup filled with 200 CC's of water, and head back to the scene of the crime. C'mon people work with me I asked for that wash cloth stat, if you can't follow orders, my girls are going to smell like bile for days. My imaginary assistants finally come through and the incident is cleaned up faster than a spill on a Bounty paper towel commercial.

Fifteen minutes later I am dreaming of Hines Ward end zone celebrations, when the alarm bell rings again, and the process is repeated. After this double dose of vomit, I immediately got on the phone with Reston Hospital and voiced my concerns. "Hello, customer service? Yeah, I ordered the sleep through the night toddler, not the puke all over everything toddler. Can you please have the Exorcist feature disabled on this kid? A technician will be out between noon and six on Monday? Perfect! While he's here can I also get the 'whining in the car' feature turned off and the 'Forever Daddy's Girl' upgrade installed?"

The technician did a great job, here are the before and after photos.









Now that my Stepford child has been re-programmed, I can get back to unpacking my Steelers gear for the coming season.