May 31, 2011 at 2:19 pm
A bird flew into our office this morning and then died attempting to exit through a closed door. Now, I can finally get the two in the bush that I’ve had my eye on. The silver lining to this story is that every time a bird breaks its neck a blind kid gets a pet.
My daughter wouldn’t stop acting like a dog, so I showed her the end of old Yeller where the kid shoots his rabid dog, and now she’s back to her old self. What has two thumbs and solves problems? This guy!
May 29, 2011 at 12:59 pm
I don’t think I fully thought through the idea of getting some wings and watching a body modification documentary.
May 28, 2011 at 4:13 pm
If I owned an adult bookstore I would install a self checkout lane, just to hear the computer voice say things like “Please move your super grip, titanium, nipple clamps to the belt”.
May 27, 2011 at 8:55 am
I think the guy at Costco was taken aback when I took my shirt off for the membership photo. He looked like my little league coach, so it was just a Pavlovian response. I’m just glad he didn’t look like my Priest that would have been embarrassing.
May 26, 2011 at 12:07 pm
At a Mexican restaurant in a predominantly Hispanic neighborhood and it’s all white people. That’s like walking into Pottery Barn in the suburbs and it being nothing but black people.
May 26, 2011 at 6:53 am
The scariest part of the villain on Scooby Doo this morning is her bra-less, droopy, liver-spotted chest. Hopefully, by tonight this show will just be a bad mammary.
May 25, 2011 at 1:19 pm
I just saw the bumper sticker “Proud to be a Realtor”. Are you? Maybe I should get one “Proud to be a Product marketing Specialist”. Then again, maybe not.
May 25, 2011 at 7:29 am
I saw this woman driving in the left lane who forgot her right turn signal was on. Naturally, I pulled up beside her in the right lane, put on my left turn signal and drove beside her for a few miles. I’m not sure if the people behind me were amused, but I certainly was. Good start to a Wednesday!
May 24, 2011 at 12:19 pm
I don’t think that the Down Syndrome worker at Potbelly’s is enjoying the acoustic guitar selection today. Maybe the guitarist should throw in some “Ob-la-di, ob-la-da” to make him happy.
May 22, 2011 at 7:21 pm
Here I go again naively throwing a head of lettuce in the crisper, fully believing that I’ll use it before it becomes a brown vegetable smoothie.
May 20, 2011 at 6:58 pm
The concert series we go to every Friday is sponsored by the Herndon Optimist club. I want to start a Herndon pessimist club, but I don’t think it will work.
May 19, 2011 at 3:04 pm
I really hope hat Dick Clark does the countdown to the rapture on Saturday, because the last thing on my bucket list is to chug a PBR tall boy while a stroke victim counts backwards from 10.
May 17, 2011 at 7:46 pm
My wife came home with the only item she didn’t own from Anthroplogie, an apron, and she doesn’t even cook. Maybe she thinks that if she dresses like a maid a Governor will father her love child.
May 16, 2011 at 8:54 pm
My daughter starts swimming today, so I showed her some footage of Michael Phelps to get her excited. Unfortunately, it was the video of him doing bong hits, which only got me excited.
May 15, 2011 at 10:56 am
Wow, the casting of that middle-aged woman on a commercial I just watched was absolutely perfect. I totally believed that she suffered from extra heavy periods. She had that look in her eyes that was a mix of embarrassment, discomfort and a longing to wear white pants. Totally committed to her role.
May 13, 2011 at 6:52 pm
Nothing says family entertainment like a father/daughter dance to Marvin Gaye’s “Sexual Healing”.
May 13, 2011 at 12:42 pm
May 12, 2011 at 2:14 pm
Yesterday at Lowes my daughter pointed at this woman with a pony tail and said “I want that one to be my new Mommy”. When the person turned around, it was a dude. I looked at her and said “You learned a valuable life lesson today my friend.” Then we just laughed and laughed.
May 10, 2011 at 7:26 pm
As my daughter attempted to go up the tube slide I yelled across the playground ‘Exit only honey!”. I turned to the lady next to me and said “I’m starting to sound like my wife.”. She left two minutes later. Good times.
May 8, 2011 at 2:08 pm
Happy Mother’s Day to the Mom’s on “16 and Pregnant”. My advice to all of you is to give your boyfriends one more chance. I just know it will be different this time.
May 7, 2011 at 12:39 pm
Testosterone: Side effects may include smoking meats for hours, drinking heavily, gambling and buying expensive electronics. Yeah, it’s going to be that kind of day.
May 6, 2011 at 8:29 am
I’m just sitting here in my “Party of Five” t-shirt, drinking a Killian’s Irish Red and rocking out to some Hootie and the Blowfish. You know, the same thing I was doing 16 years ago on my wedding day. Happy anniversary to the luckiest girl in the world, Kate Middleton for surviving her first week, and also the unluckiest girl in the world, my wife.
May 5, 2011 at 5:14 pm
Jaysus feckhole I’m old. I just pulled a muscle from coughing. At this rate I’m afraid to sneeze or I might need a hip replacement.
May 4, 2011 at 12:26 pm
Working on my Mother’s Day gift, do I go with flowers that say I’m a cliché with $70, or do I register her for an account on whitewomenblackmen.com that says it’s time to start crossing things off your bucket list?
May 2, 2011 at 8:17 pm
My better half is watching a bunch of Navy Seals kick some ass on the news, while I am losing my third game of “Pretty, Pretty Princess” in a row. It’s nice to know that after all these years I can still find new ways to disappoint my wife.
April 29, 2011 at 7:57 am
Birthday party for the crumb snatcher tomorrow! This is a great opportunity for me to get to know some of the parents whose kids go to school with my daughter. First impression means a lot with this crowd, which is why I am frantically searching through my closet for my “Who farted” t-shirt.
April 28, 2011 at 7:18 am
The only way I’m going to watch the Royal Wedding tomorrow is if Prince Harry wears his Nazi costume during the nuptials.
April 27, 2011 at 7:12 am
When we found you behind Jimmy’s Old Town Tavern, we knew instantly that you were a keeper because you were the first one we found alive. Jackpot! Happy 4th Birthday, I mean, Dumpster Day, to my one and only white, trash baby.
April 25, 2011 at 12:29 pm
Just got on an elevator made by Schindler. I have to say it feels pretty good to be on Schindler’s lift.
April 24, 2011 at 7:31 am
The 2011 Adult Video Awards are on Showtime, perfect start to my Easter Sunday. Gives new meaning to the term “He has risen.”.
April 23, 2011 at 11:58 am
Really McDonalds? A double filet-o-fish? Maybe it’s just me but I’ve never been like “You know what this sandwich needs? More goddamn fish.”.
April 22, 2011 at 2:12 pm
The wife is getting out of work early today, apparently they are all getting together and nailing the manorexic dude in finance to a cross. You know your company is hardcore when they use crucifixion as a team building event.
April 21, 2011 at 3:24 pm
Well it doesn’t look like I’ll be rockin’ the Jesus abs by Easter, but I am on pace to develop Type II diabetes by Halloween.
April 20, 2011 at 9:47 pm
In hindsight naming our kid Maggie instead of JonBenet was probably a good call.
April 19, 2011 at 9:36 pm
Well I guess these eggs aren’t going to get drunk and color themselves.
April 18, 2011 at 3:13 pm
Finally, a nice quiet evening to myself. I just dropped the little one off by helicopter in the back woods of Pennsylvania for a game we call “Maggie Vs. Wild”. She has 24 hours to get back to civilization using only her survival kills and a British accent.
April 15, 2011 at 4:50 pm
Single Dad for the next 5 days. The kid and I are going to settle in like it’s the last days of Hitler’s Bunker, minus all the yelling in German, silly mustaches and suicide pacts.
April 14, 2011 at 12:32 pm
I picked up the wife’s pills for her, when the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about the medication I held up a box of tampons in my cart and said “So far, so good.” I can’t wait until I start taking Viagra.
April 13, 2011 at 11:47 pm
I guess my experiment of tongue kissing everyone hello has hit a snag, I’m getting sick. Damn you Steve in Accounting!
April 11, 2011 at 5:41 pm
Obnoxious kid at my daughter’s school insisted I was Ryan’s Dad even after I told him he was mistaken. I wanted to pull him aside and say “Listen Bucko, I’m Maggie’s Dad, not Ryan’s, but if you see Ryan’s Mom and she’s a total MILF, then I’d be happy to play the part of Ryan’s Dad.”
April 8, 2011 at 12:22 pm
Just saw a handicapped woman smoking, texting and driving in the rain. Talk about handicapable.
April 7, 2011 at 8:18 pm
I just finished the Sammy Hagar book on the iPad. It was the first book I’ve read where I didn’t lose the crumpled up receipt that always ends up as my bookmark.
April 6, 2011 at 6:17 pm
Out to dinner with the family and I just got carded. I told the waitress that it happens all the time because we look like the couple on the first season of 16 and Pregnant.
April 5, 2011 at 1:25 pm
66 year old Rod Stewart just had a baby boy. His other kids must be totally psyched. I remember when I was 31 begging my Dad for a baby brother and getting denied.
April 2, 2011 at 9:47 pm
Any night that involves David Allan Coe and bourbon gets a check/plus in life’s grade-book.
March 31, 2011 at 7:14 pm
Taking my chick out for some grub and tunes in Arlington tomorrow night. Anyone know how much Ambien it takes to knock out a 40 pound 3 year old for 6 hours?
March 30, 2011 at 3:24 pm
PETA is giving away a free vasectomy if you have your pet spayed or neutered. Not a big fan of free medical procedures involving my manjigglies, but I am looking forward to their next promotion, if you have your pet put down you can get a family member euthanized for free.
