The Office

No, not the hit NBC sitcom where witty dialog and quizzical looks are delivered without the help of a laugh track, I'm talking about my office. A 9' by 6' cell in which I waste my life making other people rich and myself financially viable. When I am in my office I feel like I'm at home on the couch and everything is fair game. I scratch my balls, pick my nose and let the occasional fart squeak out. Hey, I'm a guy it's what we do.

During the workday I constantly have the Bose earbuds on, which only enhances my sense of isolation. I'm either rocking tunes in the morning or Ron & Fez in the afternoon. This serves two purposes:

1. People walking by think I'm on the phone and tend to leave me alone.

2. I get to listen to "Can a Nigga Get a Table Dance?" without geting a visit from Human Resources.

The earbuds can cause some confusion at times. The other day a woman walked into my office just as "Thorn in My Pride" by the Black Crowes was coming on and I went "shhhhhhh" along with the song and she started to whisper. I had to sheepishly explain that I wasn't talking to her, I was singing along with Chris Robinson.

It's also slightly awkward when an executive comes into the office to talk shop and I take out the earbuds and the volume is still audible. Especially when Rage Against the Machine is screaming "Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me!"

Did I mention that I sit directly across from a conference room? I tend to get my air band on to certain songs, then I look to my left and see a room full of people. I know at least one of those fuckers just saw me killing the drum fills in "YYZ" by Rush. What are you gonna do? I like to rock out with my cock out.

Now that my dirty little secrets are out there, if you ever visit my office at least I will be easy to spot. Just look for the guy wailing on the air guitar, and shouting random phrases like he has Tourette Syndrome.