King for a Day

Father's Day is coming up and it is my second year as the top male role model in my abode. If I can keep my constituents happy, hopefully I'll get re-elected for another term. Although, I don't really envision myself as a Dad yet, more of a guy that has a kid. Maybe when Maggie starts calling me Dad it will start to sink in, but for now I feel like a 36 year old kid who happens to have a kid. (shakes head) Babies raising babies. There are times when I'm like, hey are those parents ever going to come and pick this kid up, oh wait, that's right, they aren't.

Growing up I always saw parents as authority figures, who are responsible, always do the right thing and have it all figured out. Yeah, I was a little naive. As I got older I realized that wasn't the case, but it's still weird when your peers start to have kids. It's like, holy shit Steve is going to be a Dad! I remember when that idiot got stoned, tied his bike to a horse, then the horse took off and dragged him a half a mile up the road, and now he is responsible for another human life? I guess if crackheads can raise kids, maybe he has a shot.

When my younger brother became a Dad it really tripped me out. It's cool to have a niece and nephew, but it's crazy to think that my brother is actually a parent. Of course they see him as a God, but I know better, so it's hard not to say things like "You know your Dad used to be afraid of the radiation from remote controls." He also used to wear Robin Underoos, not even Batman, fucking Robin, and now he's responsible for teaching you everything you know. Good luck with that.

Being a parent is a ton of work, but I will admit the last few months have been a lot of fun. Especially now that Maggie is talking, walking and dancing like a stripper working the crowd for a few singles. It's my job to keep her off the pole, but when her first dance move is the rumpshaker, I know it's going to be a long road. I just hope I don't have to say things like:

"Maggie, honey, it's not polite to lick your fingers and rub your nipples.Yes,
I know that Daddy does it, but it's different when Daddy's do it."

"Maggie, honey, please don't do a crotch chop after you score a goal it's bad
sportmanship.Yes, I know that Daddy does it, but that's when he's at home in private and gets a strike on Wii Bowling."

"Maggie, honey, please don't call strangers fucking
assholes. Yes, I know that Daddy does it in the car, but it's not
right to do it to their face. I mean, it's not right to say it at all."

Now that I've horrified all of you with my future parenting skills, and my in-laws have child protective services programmed into their cell phones, I will conclude by saying that after all the hard work and sacrifice it will be a touching day, when my little girl comes up to me with a tear in her eye and says; "I love you Daddy, thank you so much for buying me a pony. I'm the luckiest girl in the whole wide world. Is it OK if I bring my new Daddy over to see it on my next court supervised visit?"