Time to Make the Donuts

The older I get the more curmudgeonly I become, so it's time for another rant. "Sounds like somebody has a case of the Mondays." In fact, I have a case of the Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. I don't really enjoy anything about the whole work week, and here's why.

The irritation starts when the alarm goes off. Instead of waking up naturally from dreams about rock stardom and naked chicks, I am jolted into consciousness by a few seconds of inaudible radio noise. The first words that go through my head every single day are "Fuck me!". Then, I lay there in a state of limbo arguing in my head, should I get up or just relax for a bit longer? I try to relax, but every few minutes I glance at the clock hoping time will stand still, but it never does. I hear the wife's hairdryer go on in the bathroom letting me know that it is indeed time to hit the showers. Again the proverbial "Fuck me!" goes through my head.

Shower, dress, feed Maggie, throw the bottles in Amy's car and then I'm off to my second favorite part of the day, sitting in morning rush hour traffic. Gas, brakes, gas, brakes, taillights, exhaust, taillights, exhaust, fucking goooooo asshole! You hear about people who go through traumatic experiences and they separate their minds from their bodies, that's pretty much what I have to do every single morning to keep from pulling the wheel to the left and just letting a semi put me out of my misery.

I park at my building and hop in the elevator. We are on the top floor, if you like overhead panoramic views of the mall it is money, but the elevator ride up is pretty much my idea of hell. There are nine floors, six people are on the elevator and of course they are all going to different floors. Ding, get off, ding get off, ding, get on? WTF? Then the person who gets on selects the one floor that isn't lit up yet and it happens to be one floor up from where they got on. Hey badonkadonk butt, how about using the stairs next time! Ding, get off, ding, get off, finally, I get to my office, plug in my laptop and the "loading personal settings" message sits on the screen for a good 10 minutes, which in computer time is equivalent to the Mesozoic Era.

I open up my e-mail and begin my day. Tedious task, co-worker is an idiot, tedious task, tedious task, customer is an idiot, tedious task, oops I am an idiot. I think John Goodman on Roseanne summed it up best when he said in a sentence full of biting sarcasm "Today was a special one for me, it was the 369th day in a row where I did exactly the same thing".

I plug away at my work load until lunch, when the IM pops up and the usual crew debates for the 981st time where we should eat. After a few months at a job, I can usually order for my co-workers at any restaurant within a five mile radius. Mary will have the seared tuna salad with the dressing on the side and a diet coke, Tom will have the quesadillas with no onions and a water with lemon, Steve will have the burger well-done with everything and that pain in the ass Stacey will have steak, but only if it is hormone and steroid free and a Cobb salad with every single topping on the side. If there is even one thing wrong with her food, we will hear about it for the remainder of the meal and at all future meals. "Remember the last time we were here and the waiter forgot to bring my salad until after my entree? I'm glad we don't have him this time. Remember when the waiter brought me coke instead of diet coke and I was so surprised I snorted it through my nose." I smile and nod, but this only serves as a mechanism to keep me from reaching over the table and punching her in the larynx. At least her story at the next meal would be interesting. "Remember the last time we were here, Erik punched me in the throat and now I have to use this voice-box to speak."

Back at the office, I continue to pound out task after task, until it's just about quitting time. This is when I get the urgent call from the salesperson who needs something done before close of business or we lose a deal. I think, "the lack of planning and managing customer expectations on your part, now constitutes an emergency on my part?" I say, "no problem, I'll knock that out and get right back to you." Here it comes again...wait for it...wait for it..."Fuck me!"... there you go.

Wow, what an exciting day, I can' wait to get up and do it all over again tomorrow.