October 30, 2011 at 12:18 pm
My wife's greatest fear, alone with me in a movie theater. Let the incessant requests for inappropriate touching begin.
October 26, 2011 at 8:37 pm
I just bought my wife a sewing machine from woot.com for her birthday. If she plays her cards right, maybe she'll get a loom for x-mas. Back off ladies I'm taken.
October 26, 2011 at 4:39 pm
The wife asked "Do you want your half-shirt folded or hung up?". Surprisingly, thrown out was not part of her question, so the game "How many candy corns can I get in my belly-button?" is back on for tonight.
October 25, 2011 at 6:29 pm
I may have bought my Halloween candy too early, because I now need to buy it again. I have about as much will power as Gary Glitter in a Bangkok YWCA.
October 23, 2011 at 8:20 pm
Watching Caillou tonight and at the beach they don't have any nipples or belly-buttons, and then at the pool they magically appear. I told the little one that if she doesn't behave the nipple fairy will come and steal her "buttons".
October 22, 2011 at 11:15 am
Is there anything better than four lesbians covering Zeppelin tunes? I'll know the answer later tonight if I can find parking among all the Subaru Outbacks.
October 21, 2011 at 3:39 pm
My daughter has her Halloween costume down to two choices, a mermaid or Casey Anthony. The jury's still out on which one she'll go with.
October 21, 2011 at 8:41 am
This morning I guessed my kids art project on the first try. What do I win?
October 20, 2011 at 8:23 am
This morning I uttered the following phrase for the first time in my life: "Shit, I forgot to make banana bread." Sometimes, I really hate myself.
October 19, 2011 at 1:12 pm
I feel weird giving a "like" to pictures of other peoples kids, but I guess it's better than leaving the comment "Soooo sexy".
October 18, 2011 at 5:35 pm
I wish that i got excited about anything as much as my daughter gets excited about watching Scooby Doo.
October 17, 2011 at 5:10 pm
Saturday night at the Pens game, the wife and I were on JumboTron. This is bad news for anyone who sits next to me at future sporting events, because inevitably they will hear me say "This one time at a hockey game...".
October 17, 2011 at 1:40 pm
I think the pumpkin farm we visited today was owned by hippies. There were a lot of people lost in the marijuana maze.
October 15, 2011 at 4:33 pm
I think I just got suckered into shopping by the promise of food and beer in an "up and coming" neighborhood.
October 15, 2011 at 12:44 pm
My uncle said the Penguins tickets for tonight were 10th row and they're actually 11th row. Of course I didn't bring my binoculars. (white people problems)
October 14, 2011 at 11:52 am
On my flight last night I played fuck, marry, kill with the three women sitting in front of me. By the end of the flight I changed the game to kill, kill, kill.
October 12, 2011 at 6:33 pm
I'm pretty sure that the fathers of the wait staff at this bar owe their daughters an apology.
October 12, 2011 at 12:26 pm
In Tampa this week. You know your city has a lot of strip clubs when the ATM's let you take out singles.
October 11, 2011 at 7:46 pm
Lifetime is remaking Steel Magnolias with an all black cast. Has somebody been reading my diary?
October 11, 2011 at 12:13 pm
A license plate that says “I Brake for Quilts” I just found my soul mate!
October 10, 2011 at 6:12 pm
I might have to buy a white trash cookbook, because I have to find a way to get more Pillsbury Crescent Rolls into my diet.
October 10, 2011 at 7:12 am
Good thing I've been playing the game Operation a lot lately. My daughter got a splinter, so I pictured it as a tiny wrench and pulled it right out. A few more games and I'll be ready to do my own vasectomy.
October 8, 2011 at 9:31 am
Week 4 of soccer and they're finally going to start working on their Brandi Chastain goal celebrations. Sports bras and spray tan abs for everyone!
October 7, 2011 at 8:29 am
Nutella on a bagel for breakfast. Damn, I love a nice warm nut-bag first thing in the morning.
October 6, 2011 at 9:15 am
I was feeling like backpack full of AIDS until I read my cough drop wrapper full of positive reinforcement. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go and put my game face on.
October 3, 2011 at 5:39 pm
Best thing about Omaha, I just did three shots of ranch dressing and no one even batted an eye. If anything they looked at me like I was a lightweight.
October 2, 2011 at 8:32 am
It's a strong indicator that you don't have a healthy lifestyle when the first thing your kid says to you in the morning is "You're alive Daddy, you're alive!".
October 1, 2011 at 3:22 pm
Off to Lightfoot for dinner tonight. I'm looking forward to eating a steak as big as George Costanza's wallet
