Adult Education

This year the AVN awards were broadcast on Showtime, for those of you who aren't officionados of porn, AVN is the Adult Video Network. Personally, I am not an officonado of porn or a die hard fan, I'd consider it more of a hobby, like doing hook rugs or painting by numbers. I am not here to talk about my work in the industry, or my years as a fluffer in the valley, but rather to discuss why this show was so aces.

There was an award for Crossover Star of the Year. I didn't realize that appearing on a VH1 reality show meant that you had crossed over into the mainstream world of Hollywood. Although nominated, I can't believe that Marey Carey didn't win, because her acting on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew was in a word, molesto-rific.

Porn legend, Jenna Jamison is married to WFC star, Tito Ortiz, who is known for his outstanding grappling skills. Do you think when he and Jenna are getting down and dirty, he ever gets confused and tries to submit her with an arm bar? Tap out jenna, just tap out! Jenna has had so much plastic surgery that she looks exactly like a Barbie doll. So much so, that I think Mattel should make an effort to have Barbie look more like Jenna and agree to let her be gang banged by Ken, GI Joe and Mr. Stretch. C'mon, like all of you sick fuckers out there haven't done that already. By the way, is gang bang one word, two words or hyphenated? Oh the grammar dillemas faced by porn copywriters.

The biggest WTF? moment, came about half way through the show when they went into this big performance art dance number about the government infringing on the rights of internet porn. It concluded with a bunch of FBI guys putting hula hoops around a half naked chick in an office chair. Talk about Cirque Du So Lame. I felt like Beavis and Butthead watching a Winger video.

Only at the AVN awards will you hear the Female Performer of the Year say in her speech; "I can't believe I'm fucking crying, I don't even cry when I get fucking electrocuted." I had to rewind it three times to be sure my ears weren't deceiving me. To be fair though, I think she may have plagiarized that from Hillary Clinton's 2006 speech at the International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers awards in Detroit.

In a total upset, Best Anal Sex Scene went to Big Wet Asses 10. I mean, I've Been Sodomized 3 was clearly the critics darling, and the front runner in this category. I guess that after you've been sodomized twice the third time doesn't garner the fan support or attention it truly deserves. Even bigger than the disappointing loss of the I've Been Sodomized 3, were the lack of creative names for the movies this year. Where were all the twisted versions of Hollywood blockbusters like No Cunt for Old Men or Abonement?

That about does it for this year's awards, and I can honestly say that I feel dumber for watching this show. I know it took a lot of effort for the girls to get ready, the fake tits, the fake tans, the fake eyelashes, getting two hair styles done, that's a lot of work, but it's so worth it when they call your name for Best Solo Masturbation Scene. Have a great weekend, and if you do happen to get electrocuted, please don't cry, it's not like you won an AVN award.

Here's your Friday joke of the day:
How many porn stars does it take to present an award?

Three. One to speak, one to help sound out the words on the teleprompter and one to flash her tits and scream woo-hoo.