Wanna Get Away?

We've all seen the Southwest Airlines commercials where unsuspecting folks end up in embarassing situations. Well, surprise, surprise, I've had my fair share of "Wanna Get Away" moments over the years, and here are a few that have stayed with me.

The Boys Go Shopping:

The summer before I started 4th grade, the old man decided to take us to JC Penney for some school clothes, aka Silver Tab jeans and St. John's Bay sweaters. It was a weeknight and the store was pretty empty, so when I saw a kid vanish into the fitting room I knew it was my brother. I am a master antagonist, so this was a ripe opportunity to cause some trouble, I just needed to figure out what would be the biggest dick move to pull.

I decided to empty and entire rack of clothes into the little fitting room where he was trying on his jeans. I waited until his pants were off, so that he couldn't escape and then I began chucking pants and shirts onto him as fast as I could. I saw them piling up at his feet, and then I heard this unknown kids voice yell "Mom! Somebody is throwing stuff at me! Mom, are you out there?" His Mother rounded the corner and I was standing there with a handful of the aformentioned sweaters and she had a look of complete shock. "Wanna Get Away?" I dropped the sweaters, yelled sorry and booked it out of there.

Pissed On or Pissed Off?

In 5th grade I was using the school facilities when I decided to play sprinkler and started hosing down my buddies who were next to me. This escalated to an all out piss fight, and as we are screaming and painting each other yellow, the janitor walks in, sees three pre-pubescent boys with dicks in hand, covered in urine and he goes off. "Wanna get Away?" We get called into the principal's office and end up having to clean the bathrooms for two weeks. At least this incident let me know that I did not want to pursue a career in the custodial arts.

auf dem Lappen

In high school I had a German teacher who was more like a friend than an authority figure, so the classroom atmosphere was light and a perfect fit for my smart ass antics. On this particular morning she seemed annoyed and in a less than euphoric mood. As she passed out out the weekly quiz, I asked her if she were on the rag. Instead of a big laugh, I got the dreaded collective gasp. "Wanna get Away?" She taps me on the chin with the quiz papers and says she would slap me if she were allowed. Remember that family reunion where drunk Uncle Frank called his wife a fucking cunt in front of everyone, yeah, I got that story beat.

Yo Mamma!

In college, my roommate's girlfriend was over at my apartment with her roommate and we are just shooting the shit. As I'm walking down the hall her roommate yells at me "I know what you can do tonight", and I immediately rebut "So do I, your Mom!" Two seconds later my roommate's girlfriend comes around the corner and in a hushed voice tells me her Mom died two weeks ago from cancer. "Wanna get Away?" I apologized, and immediately headed to the emergency room to get my foot surgically removed from my mouth.

Peek-a-Boo

One year we decided to spend New Year's Eve with another couple in the ultra-trendy vacation spot, Gatlinberg, Tennessee. Before you get to Gatlinberg you have to go through Pigeon Forge, and less is definitely not more, when it comes to decorating for the holidays in this town. It's as if they took a gaggle of those annoying middle-aged men and women who start wearing Christmas sweaters immediately after Halloween, and gave them thousands of dollars to decorate an entire town.

Once we got through what I like to call Santa Claus' colon, we arrive at our chalet and settle in for a night of drinking and tomfoolery. I put on some tunes, comfortable clothes and we all start getting liquored up. As it often does, the conversation turns to gymnastics and I decide to show off my mad cartwheel skills. I clear a nice runway and and start my approach, bing, bang, boom, I am over and back up. Yes, I stuck the landing! Everyone is looking at me and cracking up. I'm like, what? Then, I look down and see that my third leg has decide to make an appearance. "Wanna get Away?" This episode is now legendary, and known as the three-legged cartwheel incident.

What's Your Sign

Blender wanted some human interest angles to Lollapalooza story, so we decided to interview the people who do sign language for the deaf folks at the side of the stage.

As we are walking we see a couple of the sign language facilitators coming our way. I stop them and as I’m about to ask them a question, I involuntarily see my hands come up in front of my face and in slow motion my fingers start moving in a mock sign language fashion. "Wanna get Away?" It was like walking up to an epileptic kid and start gyrating all over while asking him if he ever has seizures.

There you have it, some of my proudest moments. Now, I am going to take a shower and try to get rid of these douche chills, but if you have any great "Wanna get Away?" moments, please leave me a comment.