God Bless the Internet

My laptop is pretty much in front of me from 7:30 am until I go to bed, so I have a lot of time, outside of doing work, to find absurd things on the internet, and I'm not talking chicks blowing donkeys. (Sorry Chid) Here are some things I found in the past few days.

Kimmel vs. Silverman
Most of you have probably seen this, but if you haven't these two videos are comedic genius. Bravo Jimmy and Sarah, Bravo!
Sarah's Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rab5FU7UnWA
Jimmy's response: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=drTgaE4oFXI&e

Stuff White People Like
This blog hits a little too close to home, as I identified waaay too closely with the list. If you don't like it you can pack up your stuff and move to Canada!
http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/

WTF?

Speaking of Canada, I saw this picture on a message board earlier today. I wonder if they have a Pens version for Amy.

Here's how I think the photo session went: Hey Steve, big game tonight eh? What are you wearing? Really? Wow! Fabulous! Maybe we should take some pictures before heading to the game eh? Stand by the fireplace, no this doesn't look right, could we go outside, maybe under that tree? Perfect, give us a little wave. Something is missing? Can you grab your bag and just let it sit by your left hand? That's a winner. Say "Go Leafs Go!" or should I say "Blow Leafs Blow!"

Kickin' Ass and Taking Names
http://www.howmanyfiveyearoldscouldyoutakeinafight.com/
My score was 22, based on a quick survey. I think my biggest problem would be stamina. I know the first 8-10 five-year-olds would be all upper-cuts and knockouts. Then it would get tough as I got tired or injured my strong hand.

Ron and Fez did a segment on this and Ron had a good point about intimidation. Once the first few kids get destroyed, you'd think that the rest would think twice about coming at you, and that gives you an advantage in the mental game. Or like the quiz inferred, you could pick one of the kids up and use them as a weapon. Problem with that is the kid probably weighs about 50-70 lbs and that could get tiring fast. Now if you could somehow rip a limb off and use that, I'm thinking I could easily get through 50-70 kids, unless the limb breaks.

If the kids start to use a swarm technique, I would start kicking like I was in a Chorus Line. I think my soccer background would come in to play here, because their heads are about the size of a size 4 soccer ball and I could just do full volleys. The problem is that all it takes is one kid to get through and grab a leg and then you're in trouble. This would add at least 5-10 more kids to the number.

Another option is to go all Muay Thai on them, where you pull their heads down as you bring your knee up and their face just explodes. I think my knees could take a lot of pounding before giving out. Much more than my hands or feet. You have to add at least another 10 onto my number using this technique.

So in summary, if I start with uppercuts, use intimidation, rip off a limb, start kicking like hell and finish with Muay Thai, I am in the 90-100 range before I just get completely exhausted. Now, this is only for average suburban white kids. Here is a breakdown by race.

Inner City Black Kids - 8
I think that black kids would be immune to the intimidation factor, and also more resiliant. Their mothers probably gave them more of a beat down than I could ever give them, so it would take a lot more to take them out of the fight.

Asian Kids - 27
The Muay Thai would be out the window, and their size would present a problem for me. Swinging that low would be awkward and open me up to injury. Also, my vision would be affected by seeing the same looking kid coming at me over and over again.

Hispanic Kids - 19
The speed factor would hurt me here. I think they would come at me faster and more in succession, thus lowering my number. Plus, the greasy hair would deflect my blows giving them enough protection to take me out more quickly.

Muslim Kids - 22
This is tricky. Not being able to throw rocks or use any explosives lowers their effectiveness exponentially. However, their cologne would get nauseating after the first few kids, and I could see myself catching my hand on a gold chain or two causing some damage.

I could go on all day about this adding in different variables, but this is a good place to stop. I think I've offended enough people at this point.

The Week That Wasn't

What a shitty week.

Tuesday 02/12/08 3:50 PM
Cold and damp day, but nothing too crazy. I'm heading to pick up Maggie at daycare and as I am approaching the overpass to get onto the highway I start skidding. I'm slamming on the breaks and not stopping, I'm really going to hit this guy, then BAM! I slide into the BMW in front of me. Not too hard, but enough that it causes some minor damage. I'm starting to look for a pen, some paper and my insurance info, when BAM! I get drilled from behind. Well spank my ass and call me Charlie, I'm the meat in an automobile sandwich. We all get out and exchange info, when BAM! BAM! There's a 3 car pile-up in the lane beside us. Of course this is the one day when I left my cell phone at home, so I have no way of sharing my good news with anyone. Luckily, no one was hurt and the truck was driveable.

A couple days later I find out that Explorers have a frame that runs along the bottom of the truck and the guy that hit me twisted this frame. If they have to replace it, my truck will be totaled. A little fender bender and my big ass truck is toast. Of course it's not definitely toast, insurance has me in a holding pattern for a week now and they can't decide if they can fix it or not. So everyday I wait to get a call, but no one can make it because this guys on vacation, and this guy has back problems and this guy was abducted by aliens and given an anal probe and won't be in until Friday. Total pain in the ass. I just need to know if I am getting this truck back or if I need to buy a new one. The worst part is that I just paid off this truck and put $500 into brakes last month. Somebody just punch me in the nuts.

Wednesday 02/13/08 7:30 PM
Wednesday night! Time to do our 2007 taxes. Hey we had a kid, bought a house, we're talking big money no whammies. We'll at least make enough to pay for the truck. Click, click, click - here we go, bring on the Benjamins. Uh-oh Whammie, you owe money to both the state and federal government. How can this be? Surely, the box made a mistake, I should have gone to see a live person. Nope, we forgot that while Amy was out on maternity leave her short term disability checks weren't taxed. BOHICA! (Bend Over Here It Comes Again) Our bank account is going down like DiCaprio on that boat. What's the name of that boat again? Titanic. No that's not it, something big, something huge. Titanic. No that doesn't sound right, it had the big smoke stacks on top. Titanic. That's the one! God, I can't wait to get old and fuck with people.

Tuesday 02/19/08 7:45 AM
Normal day by Crawford standards. Get to work and make a little oatmeal, while the computer boots up. Settle in, rub my little Iranian figurine 3 times and open my e-mail. Hey a message from the CEO. What could it be? Bonuses? Raises? A trip for two to Puerto Vallarta? Nope, there was an offer from our competitor to buy us. Here we go again. I haven't been laid off in 5 years, I'd almost forgoten what it was like to speculate, gossip and worry about future income. I'm just glad that I didn't have any car problems. DOH! I mean I'm glad that we got money back on out taxes. DOH! I mean at least my syphilis cleared up by itself...DOH!

What a week. I haven't seen a raping like this since Jodi Foster in The Accused. I guess I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue. This has been my away message at work for awhile now:

America's favorite Web Marketing Manager is closed for a few days. The Moose out front should have told you.

Who knows how this will play out, but I've been having a great time on the tilt-a-whirl for too long, I guess it's time I man up and get back on the rollercoaster. Let's just hope the park stays open for a few more months.

With all of my woes. All of my woes? What am I a 13 year old girl? "Dear diary it's me Margaret, With all of my woes, I just hope that Brian notices me after Algebra tomorrow" I digress. At least I still get to sing Maggie to sleep at night.

Maggie Rose, take me home
To the place I belong,
Sterling, Virginia,
near the Costco
Take me home, Maggie Rose

Flying Under the Radar

I decided to make a list of 10 albums that I love, but most people don't own or even know about for that matter. We all have those gems that sit in our CD or MP3 collection, that you never see anywhere except maybe in the $1 bin at the used CD store. Wow, I really dated myself with that statement.

These days with easy access to MP3's, the full album is going the way of the dinosaur, as people are now buying songs not albums. I have mixed feeling about that, because I know I am missing out on some great tunes. Especially, since the radio hit often becomes my least favorite track on an album. I have to pause here for a second. I'm watching VH1"We are the 80's" and the Eddie and the Cruisers video just came on.

"Dark side's coming now nothing is real, she'll never know just how I feel. From out of a shadow she walks like a dream. Makes me feel crazy makes me feel so mean."

Most of you probably know, but the band behind Eddie and the Cruisers music was the John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band. I digress. Most of you won't run out and get these albums, but they are in my GF if you want to check them out.

10. Poe - Hello
I saw this chick open for 7 Mary 3 way back when and I still listen to her record long even though I shelved 7M3 a long time ago.
Money Tunes: Hello, That Day, Fly Away

9. The Shantee - Hydration
Nice collection of hooky tunes that compliment Mike Perkins infectious vocals. Perkins "Live and Solo" is awesome too, if you like this stuff check out that one.
Money Tunes: Rooftop, Outside, Happy Song

8. Fleming and John - Delusions of Grandeur
These guys were huge on the Nashville scene, but never really broke nationally. Fleming has an incredible set of pipes, and John is the musical mastermind.
Money Tunes: Love Songs, I'm Not Afraid, A Place Called Love

7. The Honeyrods - The Honeyrods
Another Nashville band that sputtered out, despite having a video on MTV for Love Bee. It does kind of have that dated mid-90's alt rock sound, but I love when their tunes randomly come on the iPod.
Money Tunes: Float, Soap Opera, Child

6. Marcy Playground - Marcy Playground
You all know about Sex & Candy, but did you know the rest of this album is fantastic? Well you do now!
Money Tunes: One More Suicide, Poppies, Dog and His Master

5. Cracker - The Golden Age
After the radio hit Low came out in 1993, these guys should have been huge, but for whatever reason they were never able to stay in the limelight. All they do is put out great album after great album, and I buy their stuff unconditionally because I know it will be amazing.
Money Tunes: Sweet Thistle Pie, Useless Stuff, How Can I Live Without You

4. Mike Errico - Tonight I Drink You All
My brother does his website and he hooked me up with the Lollapalooza gig in 2006. Thanks Mike! This live album is a great collection of his older tunes and really shows how much fun his live show can be.
Money Tunes: Daylight, When She Walks By, Happy

3. Pete Droge - Necktie Second
Amost 14 years old, but the music is timeless. You might remember "If You Don't Love Me I'll Kill Myself" from the Dumb and Dumber soundtrack, that's on here too, but not one of my favorite tunes from him. This effort is just fucking brilliant!
Money Tunes: Fourth of July, Two Stepping Monkey, Straylin Street

2. Josh Joplin - The Future that Was
Yeah, he sounds like Michael Stipe, but is that really a bad thing? This album has one of my favorite verses of all time: "Samuel, your son is quite a handful. His grades are bad, he can't do math, and he tends to ramble. Our tests show that he's a bit slow. If he receives the help he needs he'll ride the same bus"
Money Tunes: I am not the Only Cowboy, The Future that Was, Trampoline

1. Abbey Road - The Beatles
I don't know anyone who has this record, but everyone should. Just an amazing album.
Money Tunes: You're an Idiot, If you believe, This Album is Underrated



My Real #1
1. Soul Coughing - Ruby Vroom
This is the album that started it all for M. Doughty. I was lucky enough to see these guys live a few times back in the day and they never disappointed. This album is a staple in my collection and I never get tired of listening to these guys. By the way M. Doughty has a new solo album coming out next Tuesday, and his last solo album Haughty Melodic was absolutely fantastic. I just hope this one is 1/2 as good.
Money Tunes: Is Chicago - Is Not Chicago, Screenwriter's Blues, Moon Sammy


I probably could have made this list my top 50, but that would be way too self-indulgent and borderline maniacal. Yo! Mr. Doughty and the boys play us out of here...

Exits to freeways twisted like knots onthe fingers
jewels cleaving skin between breasts.
Your Cadillac breathes four hundred horses over blue lines
you are going to Reseda to make love to a model from Ohio
whose real name you don't know
you spin like the cadillac was overturning down a cliff on television
and the radio is on and the radioman is speaking
and the radioman says women were a curse
so men built Paramount studios and men built Columbia studios
and men built Los Angeles it is 5 am and you are listening to Los Angeles
And the radioman says it is a beautiful night out there!
And the radioman says Rock and Roll lives!
And the radioman says it is a beautiful night out there in Los Angeles
if you live in Los Angeles and you are going toReseda;
we are all in some way or another going toReseda somedayto die
and the radioman laughs because the radioman fucks a model too
Gone savage for teenagers with automatic weapons and boundless love
gone savage for teenagers who areaesthetically pleasing in other words fly
Los Angeles beckons the teenagers to come to her on buses;
Los Angeles loves, love it is 5 amand you are listening to Los Angeles
I am going toLos Angeles to built a screenplay about lovers who murder each other
I am going toLos Angeles to see my own name on a screen, five feet long and luminousas
the radioman says it is 5 am and the sun has charred the other side of the world
and come back to us and painted the smoke over our heads an imperial violet
it is 5 am and you are listening to Los Angeles.
You are listening.
You are listening.
You are listening.
You are listening.

After School Special

Three days a week Maggie and I spend some time bonding after work/daycare. Here's a quick look at my 105 minutes alone with Maggie before Amy comes home.

3:45 - I enter daycare and see her sitting in the middle of the room with a random toy half way down her throat. I flash her our gang sign and she gets excited. The Krawford Kaucasian Kings are in the krib! I was going to get her a onesy made with our logo, but the daycare facility tends to frown upon kids sporting "KKK" gear. Even after I explain that we're not that "KKK", they still don't seem to come around.

3:47 - I start to collect her things, and she starts to cry. We do this everyday, but she still thinks that I'm just going to grab her bottles and leave her. I hope she doesn't have male abandonment issues in her teens. Like Chris Rock says "It's the Dad's job to keep his daughter off the pole!"

3:52 - I throw her in the trunk and crank up the tunes, so that I don't have to here her cry anymore and we're on our way home.

4:00 - On the way home I think that a list of my daily activities would make a great blog entry.

4:01 - Then, I think that a list of my daily activities would make a shitty blog entry.

4:02 - Finally, I think that I could really go for a Chick-Fil-A milkshake, and what's all that crying in the trunk? Oh yeah, I forgot to give Maggie her pacifier.

4:09 - I curse out the "triple M" (Mini-van Muslim Mom) in front of me for going 10 miles an hour and turning without using her signal. WTF? You can take the time to pray 5 times a day, but moving your hand 3 inches to flip on your turn signal is too much of an effort?

4:15 - We're home. Daycare provides us with a daily itinerary of her eating, sleeping and lemonade/brownie making. I hold her ass up to my nose and decide that she is cool until Amy gets home. I know this sounds weird to you non-breeders, but to those of us who have procreated we don't even bat an eye. Which is kind of scary.

4:17 - I put on Noggin (tv for toddlers) and they've changed their lineup. What a crock of shit! Instead of "Lazytown", which rocks my face off, I get "Little Bill" which sooo does not rock. Time for a power nap, while Moolicious gets tortured by "Little Bill".

4:20 - I give her a book of matches, some newspaper and I go lay down.

4:50 - I wake up and she's made a pirate hat from the newspaper and lit her cigarette with the matches. Good girl! Puff, Puff, AAARRRRGGHHH!

5:00 - Finally, annoying "Little Bill" is over, but then we move right into "Little Bear" which isn't much better. I bum a smoke from Maggie and we decide to play some Wii bowling.

5:15 - We're both getting hammered because we have to do shots everytime someone bowls a strike. I don't know how she can smoke and bowl (not smoke a bowl, but smoke and bowl) at the same time, but she is on fire today. She wins 217 - 201, and I have to give her a foot massage while singing Culture Club's "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?" Hey, a bets a bet and I have to pay up.

5:25 - Amy gets home in 5 minutes, so we hide the booze and cigs, put our shirts back on and head over to the table for some dinner.

5:30 - Amy comes in and finds me quietly feeding Maggie some pears and Squash at the kitchen table.

So there you have it, just another day for Maggie and me in the paradise that is Sterling, VA. if you're ever around my part of town between 4:15 and 5:30 stop by and say hello. Remember it's BYOB! Bring your own baby, I mean booze, and if you want to join the KKK you have to beat Maggie at Wii bowling and then get jumped in by the other members. Blood in and blood out bitches!

Reality Check

Time to put the dirty laundry on the table. Put it on the table! (Bill Burr fans you'll get that one) The first step is admitting that I have a problem. Friends and family I need your help. I am a reality tv junkie and I can't stop by myself.

I've been a junkie since 1992 when the first Real World season aired. I have not missed a single season including Road Rules and all of the challenges like the Inferno and the Gauntlett. I try to hide my addiction, but the guilt and shame only leads to more reality watching. Even my Tivo was like "Dude seriously, you're 36 and a father, should you really be asking me to record the second season of Rock of Love?" Well I watched the entire first season, it's kind of tough to stop using now. I wonder if Dr. Drew from Celebrity Rehab or the counselers on Intervention could help me stop watching this crap.

Ok, deep breath...
Here is a list of shows that I watch regularly or have watched regularly in the past:
Airline
Amazing Race
American Casino
American Chopper
Amish in the City
Average Joe
Bands on the Run
Bands Reunited
Breaking Bonaduce
Celebrity Rehab
Cops
Deadliest Catch
Dirty Jobs
Everest
Family Plots
Flavor of Love
Flip this House
Fraternity Life
Gene Simmons Family Jewels
Ice Road Truckers
Inked
Intervention
Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency
Jon and Kate Plus 8
Kathy Griffin My Life on the D List
Keeping up with the Kardashians
LA Ink
Last Comic Standing
Little People, Big World
Made
Miami Ink
Moving Up
My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance
My Fair Brady
Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica
Paradise Hotel
Project Greenlight
Real Housewives of the OC
Real World
Real World/Road Rules Challenges
Road Rules
Rock of Love
Sorority Life
Super Nanny
Surreal Life
Survivor
Temptation Island
The Apprentice
The Ashlee Simpson Show
The Bachelor
The Bachelorette
The Joe Schmo Show
The Next Food Network Star
The Restaurant
The Swan
Tommy Lee Goes to College
Top Chef
Trading Spaces
True Life

I'm sure I am missing quite a few from that list, but there it is in black and white. My addiction. Wow, that is a bit worse than I expected. I guess when you're a reality tv junkie you never realize how bad it is until you get help. (Queue intervention music)

There is one glaring omission from that list: American Idol. I know most of you probably watch it, but the music snob in me won't let me watch this marketing driven karaoke contest. Let's find someone attractive with a little stage presence and then we'll give them a makeover, teach them how to sing well enough that we can use pro-tools in the studio to fix their pitch and then give them a bunch of pre-written songs and they'll make a ton of money because Americans want entertainers not artists. Which is fine, but give me Ryan Adams and Ben Harper and you can keep your flavors of the month Ruben Studdard and Fantasia Barino. (Jumps off of soap box)

I guess I can't really judge anyone seeing as I used to watch the uber-embarassing train wreck Ashlee Simpson show. (Side note) One of the best celebrity couple's names: Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz = Ash Wentzday. Which happened to be yesterday, I hope all of you Catholics out there got your forehead smeared. Maybe I should get rid of reality tv for Lent? Hmmm, believers making a scrifice for 40 days leading up to Jesus dying on the cross for our sins, me giving up reality tv. That seems about even.

If only Christ would come back to earth, then we could have a reality show called Keeping up with Christ or Top Savior or the Surreal Afterlife or Disciples Reunited or Pimp my Cross or The Bachelor. No pressure ladies you're only trying to impress the son of God. If you did not receive the body of Christ tonight, please take a moment and say your goodbyes. Then you see the one crazy disgruntled woman outside the mansion crying "Just because I'm not a virgin like his mother, and because I didn't know his middle initial was H, doesn't mean he had to let me go. I really felt like we had a connection."

I may need to follow in the footsteps of the great Ron Bennington (Radio host on Ron & Fez) and just stop watching all reality shows where someone gets voted off. Once I eliminate those shows I can then start to drill down further and eliminate all shows where they follow around a celebrity. I know it's a 12 step program, but I'm now past the first step and hopefully I can just take it Step by Step. Great 90's sitcom by the way, ok, great may be stretching it, but I'm sure I could overcome my addiction in 30 minutes or less if Patrick Duffy and Suzanne Somers were my parents.

Wish me luck!

Super Week

Super Bowl, Super Tuesday, Souper Salad, and I'm Super thanks for asking. I'll cover these topics in order.


Super Bowl
I arrived at the party, it was just after four in the afternoon and an upset was in the air. I finished my cigarette and glanced at the wife and kid, but just long enough to see them lazily dance off towards the house. I grabbed the two bottles of wine from the car and my liver was screaming for me to crawl into them as soon as possible. Super Bowl XLII. What a spectacle full of sound and fury signifying nothing. Oh well, time to lose the misanthropic facade and engage my fellow party goers with amusing anecdotes and insightful observations. One final breath and the game within the game begins...


Sorry, sometimes my inner cynnical writer jumps out and onto the page. I'll put that old bastard away for now and we can talk turkey. Looks like Mr. Perfect was knocked down a peg, and I can honestly say that I am not sorry that the Jedi Master and young Skywalker failed to get their fourth rings. I'm just glad that the 4th quarter was so good that the first 3 boring ass quarters will be forgotten. Halftime reminded me of something a comedian said years ago about the Traveling Wilburys; "You know your band is ugly when Tom Petty is your best looking member."


Quickly, going over the highlights:

• Ruffles with French Onion dip...simply amazing! Thanks Dan!!!


• Watching the game on a 50" plasma tv in HD...simply awesome! Thanks Barbara (for letting Dan get one)!!!


• Tearing out my intestinal system after eating one of the wife's jalapeno poppers...simply painful! Thanks Amy!!!


• Arguing for 20 minutes about which is a better adult beverage, beer or wine..simply expected! Thanks Bruce!!!


• Getting a break from keeping a watchful eye on the drooling knee-biter..simply needed! Thanks Jen!!!

Super Tuesday
I arrived at the polling place, it was just after four in the afternoon and an upset was in the air. I finished my cigarette and glanced at the wife and kid, but just long enough to see them lazily dance off towards the school.


Got ya! Our voting isn't until next week, and it may be all but over by then, but it is looking like a four horse race at this point, with McCain and Romney on the right and Clinton and Obama on the left. I try not to talk politics, (vote Obama) especially after a few glasses of wine (vote Obama), and I would never tell you who to vote for (vote Obama), but regardless of who you are voting for (vote Obama) get out there and vote for someone.


Souper Salad
We used to have these restaurants in Denver, but surprisingly they do not hve any locations in Virginia. Which is actually fine, because I never visited the ones in Denver. I think my favorite salads would be the Caeser salad at Maggianos followed by the house salad at Outback with Mustard Vinagraitte. When I was younger I used to eat a lot of salads with French and Thousand Island dressing, but now those just seem kind of gross. I also used to toss my own salad quite a bit when I was single, but now that I am married I actually like it better when Amy tosses my salad.

I'm Super Thanks for Asking
I just wanted to say that I am indeed super, and I appreciate your inquiry. I am super because Maggie has become a complete joy to have around. I am super because Amy has become a complete joy to have around. I am super because I am a complete joy to be around. I am super because the old man is hooking me with Pens/Caps tix 5 rows behind the bench. I am super because I got a new cell phone and my self worth is tied to buying new gadgets. I am super because my boss is a Jewish carpenter, actually she's an atheist marketing director, but hey that is still super in my book.

Finally, I am super because the Wonder Pets successfully rescued a baby skunk from the rose bush. It was getting willy see wee us, but they came through in the end, despite the annoying bunny that tagged along. Fuck that bunny.

Thank you for taking some time out of your Super week to read my trivial ramblings, and remember: "Hey let's be careful out there."