The Trouble with Dreams

Recently, I have been buying a lot of books but for whatever reason I can’t seem to actually read them. I used to be an avid reader, before Tivo and the internet came along and stole my soul. In high school I wanted to be the “well-read” guy, because being an average douche just wasn’t good enough for me, I wanted to be the ultimate douche. You know, the guy who quotes authors and poets and revels in a giant well of douchiness that only impresses other douches. I finally came to a place where two roads diverged in a wood, and -I, I took the one less traveled by and that has made all the difference - Robert Frost. I guess you can take the boy out of the douche, but you can’t, well you get the idea.

So last night I decided that I am going to spend 30 minutes a day with my face in a book to try and get my mind away from the computer and TV and back to the written word. I’m sure this will last as long as my diet, but a boy can dream can’t he? Or can he?

Randy Pausch came to my attention last spring when I watched his “Last Lecture” on YouTube. After he passed away I picked up his book, and that is what I started reading last night.

The big theme of the lecture is achieving your childhood dreams, so I started to think about mine, but I could only come up with two; playing professional soccer and working as a Latino motorcycle officer for the California Highway Patrol (C.H.i.P.’s). I didn’t have the size and speed to be a professional soccer player and I wasn’t a big enough dick to be a cop, so those dreams met an early demise. Today, I play soccer in my living room with an Elmo ball and the only handcuffs I use are to keep Moo locked in the basement while I drink and play Wii.

Pausch had five or six dreams, and in one way or another he achieved his goals, he was a doer, a go-getter, an over-achiever. I am a slacker, the kid who always got the note on his report card “Erik would excel if he would just apply himself”. There in lies the rub, I’m not very good at applying myself, because I have very little passion for anything. Is that bad? I guess at some point I should throw together my bucket list of things to do before I die, but the things that used to seem cool, now just seem like a big hassle, ie…traveling in Europe, sky-diving, two chicks at the same time. Ok, maybe that last one is still worth the effort.

I hope that everyone has a good turkey day, and maybe Bruce and I will get hammered and double team a Butterball, so that I have a good post for you next week. Now there’s a dream I’m pretty sure Randy never achieved.

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Father Knows Best

Ok, so I am going to be a single Dad for the next three days, but the thought of hanging out with my daughter this week brings up one of my biggest pet peeves, the portrayal of men in society as completely incompetent when it comes to anything dealing with kids or the home. Well kiddies, fasten your seatbelts and keep your hands inside the ride at all times, because it’s time for a rant!

Nobody has ever said to me “Hey Erik you’re headed out of town for a few days, who is going to watch your kid?” No, they assume that my wife will be handling the situation. But my wife goes out of town and the first thing people ask is “So, who are you going to get to watch your daughter?” Like my wife’s going to say “You know, it would be nice if my husband could handle it, but since he’s borderline retarded, we’ll probably have to bring in someone more qualified.” Qualified, meaning someone with a vagina.

I’m sure there were movies before Mr. Mom that made men look like complete fuck-ups, but I’m placing my blame squarely at the feet of Michael Keaton, Teri Garr and the rest of the people who worked on that farce. Since this movie was popular, we now get to see it made over and over and over again. The basic plot is that a man is somehow put in charge of the kids and the house either through a layoff, a divorce, a sudden death or unknown paternity. See Three Men and a Baby, Daddy Daycare, and any family sitcom that has aired over the past 30 years. The new Dads then proceed to use unconventional means to handle everyday chores like cooking and cleaning. Oh let the hilarity ensue.

So today I am here to stand up and say it is time to put an end to this stereotype. It is no longer socially acceptable to show blacks eating fried chicken, slurping on watermelon, dealing drugs and slapping fat white chicks around with their giant cocks. It is not cool to show Asians doing Calculus, playing the violin, mispronouncing their L’s and R’s or driving like the others cars on the road are imaginary. You can’t show Mexicans getting drunk, crossing busy highways in packs of five or more and hanging out at the 7-11 all day. So why is it still acceptable to show fathers dusting with leaf blowers, burning a simple dinner or completely unable to figure out the diaper changing process?

All of you competent fathers out there stand up and unite! Let it be known that we can separate the colors from the whites (I’m talking about laundry here), we can properly wash a dish and vacuuming is not outside of our skill set. (This is where the slow clap starts to build to a crescendo) Can you smell what the Craw is cooking? That’s right, its chicken parmagian bitches and its going to be fucking Matchbox 20 money!
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Hit Me baby One More Time

What is going on peeps? I feel like I haven’t been getting the words to the page recently, but hopefully I can turn that around. The main reason is just a lack of material. I watch sports, I raise my kid, I work and that’s about it. All of those topics have already been covered here, which doesn’t leave me a lot of stuff to talk about unless I go all “A Million Little Pieces” on your asses, and that wouldn’t be too cool. Today I am just going to throw out my State of the Nation address, sans all the partisan clapping, and give some quick updates on the Life of Craw.

The Family – I have to give big props to the Mrs., because I’m still married, although I’m not sure how that is. I look at myself in the mirror and it’s just a horror show. Good thing chicks aren’t as superficial as men, or I’d be sleeping on someone’s couch trying to figure out how I was going to afford child support. I’ve applied a Survivor like strategy to my marriage. I’m the guy who works hard at camp, doesn’t rub anyone the wrong way and flies under the radar to win the million bucks. Like Sam Jackson says in Pulp Fiction, “Personality goes a long way”. Yes, it most certainly does.

As for the little one, she is showing signs of inheriting my antagonistic genes, and she’s learned the word “no”, which like most women, she says but doesn’t really mean. Am I right? Am I right? High five for date rape! I’m kidding, I’m kidding, date rape is way too much work, who wants all of that hassle when you can just as easily take care of your own business. Kleenexes don’t press charges, enough said. Wow, this paragraph took an unexpected turn at sweet daughterville and headed straight down felony lane into DNA Sample Township. Maybe we better move on.

Sports and Gambling – As I mentioned in a previous entry, I have entered the world of online gambling and it has become a little bit of an obsession. Before I get any further into this post I want to go on record as saying that the NFL owes me some money for last Sundays, Steelers/Chargers debacle. Fuckers! Anyway, I went 2 for 5 on Saturday and 1 for 5 on Sunday games, so I don’t think I have a bright future in the world of sports gambling. I may need to announce my tearful retirement at the end of the season. (But I’ll probably pull a Favre next fall)

Blackjack on the other hand is another story. I tried for weeks to stay out of the casino portion of the site, but the apple tree in Eden was just too much and I decided to take a bite. I won back in five minutes what I’d lost on football games all weekend and then some. Dealer has a 6 and I have an 11, double down bitch. Winner, winner, chicken dinner, can a Nigga get a table dance? Shake it up , shake it up, wooo, shake that thang!

TV – As bad as TV was this summer, it has made a solid comeback. Entourage, Californication, Dexter, The Life & Times of Tim, South Park, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Celebrity Rehab, Top Chef, How I Met Your Mother, Survivor, Amazing Race, The Office, The Daily Show, The Soup etc… My Tivo is in the zone, and working harder than a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader on CMT. Every night after Moo goes to bed its like Christmas opening up the “Now Playing” list and seeing what the TV Gods have left me. What’s this 27 Dresses bullshit? Amy, you gots some ‘splainin to do!

So that’s your Life of Craw update, hopefully some funny or annoying shit will happen to me this week, since I will be a single Dad for the next three days. Moo can you say “hit me”? Good girl.
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Teenage Wasteland

My boss came in today and asked me what she should get her son for his 16th birthday. I went through the usual guy gadget checklist and pop culture stuff, but none of it felt special enough for the big one-six. So, I jumped on Google and started researching lists to try and come up with something cool. I found this site with the usual Family Guy, Office, Wii and iPod stuff, but mixed in with these goodies were a few items that didn’t really fit the category "TV & Pop Culture Fan Gifts for Teen Guys"

Hillary Clinton Gear
When I think of gifts for teenage guys the first thing that comes to mind is Hillary Clinton schwag. As a teenager, nothing impresses the ladies more than having a life-size cardboard cutout of the New York senator in your room. I just hope that the new 2009 Nancy Pelosi comes out soon, so that my teenage gift recipient can live out his ‘Democrats Gone Wild’ fantasies.

Elvis Presley Christmas Duets
I’m pretty sure that even teenage guys in the 50’s were like fuck the Elvis Christmas Duets album, buy me some Jerry lee Lewis. If you want your teenage son to think you are the most out of touch Mom in the world, then by all means order this via rush delivery. While you’re at it, pick up the Barbara Streisand Hanukkah duets CD and make it his best Holiday season ever! “Dude, Jay Z sucks ass, check out this version of 'O' Come, All Ye Faithful'. When Olivia Newton-John and Presley are singing 'O' Come' with everything they have, it just doesn’t get any better than that.”

Instant Incognito Sunglasses
These are the epitome of cool, although, the pain in the ass Mormon girl in this photo-shoot didn’t adhere to the script. The correct way to wear these glasses is on the beach with your tongue sticking out, and an expression on your face that screams “DUDE! I’m totally incognito!”. Maybe she was ok with being incognito, but found the tongue wag a bit too risqué for the LDS. You know these glasses will start a streaking epidemic in high schools across the country. “Johnny, there is no way they can identify you, if you are wearing these bad boys”.

Paint Your Own Lantern
When I was a teenager I’d seen some other guys at school painting their own lanterns, and even though I knew it was the gateway craft to scrapbooking, I wanted in. I wanted that feeling of rebellion and belonging to a group who didn’t care about how society viewed them. Hook rugs and paint by numbers were ok in middle school, but now that I was in high school I was ready for something edgier. I met the guys behind the bleachers after 3rd period and scored my first lantern. I painted that bitch, and the craft high I got was something I’d never felt before. I was free, I was an outlaw, I was a lantern painter and I was hooked. Everything was great until my Dad caught me painting a lantern in the garage. We got in a big fight and I jumped on my bike and headed straight for Michaels. If he thought that painting lanterns was bad, I was going to show him. I bought a scrapbook, and never looked back.


Rock n’ Country Rebel Teddy Bear
Yes, you heard me right, Rock n’ Country Rebel Teddy Bear. I mean, a Rock n’ Country Teddy Bear would have been sufficient, but throw in the ‘rebel’ part and I’m sold. This James Dean of the hard ass stuffed animal world totally means business. He even has a heart tattoo on his left arm so you know he’s a bad motherfucker. They should have called him the Rock n’ Country Rebel Bad Motherfucker Teddy Bear. The only way this bear could be more awesome is if he had a pair of Instant Incognito Sunglasses.


My sarcasm runneth over today, but it just amuses me that someone invents this stuff, then gets the money to mass produce it. They hire a bunch of kids in China, who are probably saying to each other in Chinese "I don't have enough money to eat tonight, but some stupid ass American will spend the equivalent of my yearly salary on this shit?". Then someone else pitches advertising for it and finally some douche bag buys it. Capitalism Rules!

One last thing, I just had douche bag as one word and I got the dreaded red underline indicating a misspelled word. I figured it wouldn’t recognize it because of the nature of the word, but no, it just wanted to let me know that douche bag is indeed two words. Thanks Microsoft!

Wanna Be a Freak and Sell It on the Weekend

Where do the weekends go? Friday night, I went to Outback and ordered my standard issue meal, the 9 oz. Victoria filet, cooked medium, the French style green beans and a house salad with mustard vinaigrette As usual, it was crazy delicious, but the next thing I know, its Monday morning, time to jump in the shower and head out to work.

To me, weekdays go by like sex minutes. You feel like you’ve been working hard for hours, then you look at the clock and it’s been like nine minutes. Then you get to the weekend and it goes by like a kick ass TV show. What do you mean Entourage is over already, they just got through the opening credits!

I really think that more companies and schools need to consider the four day work week. It would save gas, cut down on traffic and more importantly, allow me to feel like I actually had a weekend. It would also decrease the number of shirt and pant combos that I would need to stock in my closet. I am currently rotating about eight shirts and five pairs of pants, I could easily cut this down to six and four respectively, opening up more room for my kick ass religious apparel collection. Goodbye blue and white striped button downs and hello “Worship the Best or Die like the Rest!” and “His Pain Your Gain!” t-shirts.

Fortunately, I was able to squeeze in a little fun this weekend. I met up with the rest of the funky bunch on Saturday night to appreciate the comedy brain droppings of Mr. Bill Burr. I love comedy clubs, because I usually end up laughing so hard that I look like a pepper spray victim. Tears stream down my face, I can’t catch my breath, and I’m doubled over like I was just gut punched by Glass Joe. Saturday was no exception, at one point I was laughing so hard I had to pause to make sure that I didn’t rupture my spleen. Thank you, Mr. Burr for the 45 minute abs workout.

Election

What a day. Who are you gonna vote for? Who will be the next great leader? Who will turn this whole thing around? Tracy Flick or one of the Metzlers? Carver High Schools future hangs in the balance. Sure, it’s been nine years since this movie came out, but Election holds up. Broderick delivers some of his best work since Ferris Bueller and Witherspoon is perfectly cast as the over-achieving perfectionist. I know you’re thinking, Crawford, WTF? Do you think you’re a movie critic now? Two thumbs up? Why don’t you take those two thumbs and jam them up your ass. Hey, hey, easy folks, I’m just blogging here.

I decided to grab a couple slices and a soda at lunch, and tune in to some election coverage on CNN. Holy shit, these 24 hour news networks sure are grasping to fill time. “Let’s go to Deborah in Florida, how are things shaping up in America’s penis state?”. “Well Chad, there was a minor hiccup this morning when the administrators went to a polling place in Tallahassee and someone had changed the locks. It took them 20 minutes to get them open. Haha. Then, in Boca Raton, one of the 24 machines went down, so now they have to fight through the day with only 23. I talked with several voters who let me know that they voted for either McCain or Obama today. One voter, a Mr. Wong, said that he’d been waiting a long time for erection day. Did I just say erection? I meant election. Oops! That’s it from down here, I won’t leave you hanging…Chad. Get it, hanging Chad, like in 2000, when the ballots had chads hanging, *crickets* Is this thing on?” This is the kind of inane banter went on for the entire 20 minutes I was at lunch.

Luckily, I avoided the Tuesday rush and voted last Saturday. The thing with absentee voting is that you have to declare a reason for voting early, and unfortunately “To avoid long lines and the pain in the ass of voting on a weekday” isn’t one of the options. I’m pretty sure almost everyone there lied on their absentee ballot, because none of the people I saw fell into the categories for early voting. Not me of course. I am officially working an 11 hour day today, including my commute, although I was tempted to check the box for “Confined to a jail pending arrest or trial”.

Me: Yes ma’am I’m voting early because I will be in jail awaiting trial on Tuesday.
Election Officer: What did you do?
Me: I lied on my absentee ballot in the primaries
Election Officer: That’s ironic
Me: Don’t you think? A little too ironic?
Election Officer: Yeah, I really do think
Me: Thank you for playing along with my stupid 13 year old Alanis Morissette lyric game
Election Officer: No problem, who are you voting for?
Me: You, You, You, oughta know!
Election Officer: I see what you did there.
Me: Yeah, once I get started I just can’t stop. One too many?
Election Officer: Probably
Me: Ok, I’m going to vote now.

I hope that everyone gets out there, votes, and has a great election day! If you see me and I have one hand in my pocket, then the other hand is probably distracting you from watching my game of pocket pool.

Pittsburgh Porn

Amy and I saw a movie yesterday. Yes, an actual movie, in a theater, with other people, and it was a porno. Kevin Smith’s new brainchild Zack and Miri Make a Porno to be exact. Amy likes, but does not love, Kevin Smith films, which is a bit strange because she basically lives with his doppelganger. Kevin likes dick jokes, I like dick jokes. Kevin likes chicks in hockey sweaters, I like chicks in hockey sweaters. Kevin likes showing Jason Mewes naked on the big screen, I like chicks in hockey sweaters, and we both have a thing for girls who say aboot.

In the opening scene, Elizabeth Banks gets out of bed wearing nothing but a blue Penguins throwback jersey, and then Seth Rogan is seen in front of a Penguins Stanley Cup Banner. Awesome! The city, the Penguins, the Monroeville Mall and Iron City beer, or Iron Shitty as the natives call it, all get a good amount of screen time. The movie has enough laughs, but underneath all the tits and sex jokes it’s essentially a formulaic romantic comedy. It’s worth renting, but not quite strong enough to see in the theater.


Kevin Smith Film Ranking:
1. Clerks
2. Chasing Amy
3. Dogma
4. Zack and Miri Make a Porno
5. Mallrats
6. Clerks II
7. Jersey Girl