I remember walking through the mess tent in the morning, and I would just hear whispers "Holy shit dude, don't fuck with Crawford, he has both cooking and basketry. Not only can he whip up some pancakes in a jiffy, but he can then carry them in a freshly woven basket to his grandmothers house."
In preparation for our little excursion into nature, I decided to Google some rules for surviving, just in case we become part of a serial killers wet dream. There are seven of us going, so here are the rules that will most likely lead to our untimely demise.
1. Never, under any circumstance, plan a camping trip that coincides with Friday the 13th.
Right off the bat we shit the bed on this one. We are all in, so there is no turning back now. Might as well start writing our obituaries.
2. Never Baby-sit.
My niece is babysitting before we head out on Friday afternoon, I guess Brittany will be dead before we even leave the suburbs. Tough break getting the axe before the opening credits. This goes for my Mother-in-law too, because she is babysitting my daughter.
3. The guy with the testosterone overdose is dead meat.
HAHA! Bruce you are a dead man! I guess all that working out and motorcycle riding doesn't seem so cool now does it? Volunteering to go out alone and get firewood was your first and last mistake.
4. Along with the guy that is always making jokes.
Doh! I guess I should have read down the page a little further before making fun of Bruce.
Me: Where's Bruce
Unidentified Voice: He went to get some wood
Me: That's what she said
Then I take a machete to the face carving a nice extended smile.
5. The first woman to either lose or remove her clothing is toast.
Sorry, Jen but you are cooked! Even if you don't remove any clothing, you are the testosterone guy's chick, so either way you are going to get smoked at some point.
6. Don't ever do something just because someone dares you to.
This pretty much taps out my nephew Jay, because he'll do just about anything on a dare or for $5. I'm going to dare him to say "I'll be right back" which will ensure his never coming back.
7. If you see a short guy wearing green and wearing a shamrock hat, I wouldn't stick around to ask about his pot of gold.
My father-in-law is Irish, so this is the rule that will most likely get him. He will mistake an evil leprechaun for one of his relatives and take a pink heart to the eye, a yellow moon to the throat, an orange star to the chest and a green clover to the groin. I guess those charms weren't so lucky were they?
This leaves Amy, who will be our heroine and live to tell our tale. She'll sign a book deal, it will become a classic and spawn a movie with several sequels. Following this success, she will start a charity for Victims Of Idiotic Deaths. A short time later the charity will go bankrupt because her contributors will make the checks out to VOID, thus rendering them uncashable.
In preparation for our little excursion into nature, I decided to Google some rules for surviving, just in case we become part of a serial killers wet dream. There are seven of us going, so here are the rules that will most likely lead to our untimely demise.
1. Never, under any circumstance, plan a camping trip that coincides with Friday the 13th.
Right off the bat we shit the bed on this one. We are all in, so there is no turning back now. Might as well start writing our obituaries.
2. Never Baby-sit.
My niece is babysitting before we head out on Friday afternoon, I guess Brittany will be dead before we even leave the suburbs. Tough break getting the axe before the opening credits. This goes for my Mother-in-law too, because she is babysitting my daughter.
3. The guy with the testosterone overdose is dead meat.
HAHA! Bruce you are a dead man! I guess all that working out and motorcycle riding doesn't seem so cool now does it? Volunteering to go out alone and get firewood was your first and last mistake.
4. Along with the guy that is always making jokes.
Doh! I guess I should have read down the page a little further before making fun of Bruce.
Me: Where's Bruce
Unidentified Voice: He went to get some wood
Me: That's what she said
Then I take a machete to the face carving a nice extended smile.
5. The first woman to either lose or remove her clothing is toast.
Sorry, Jen but you are cooked! Even if you don't remove any clothing, you are the testosterone guy's chick, so either way you are going to get smoked at some point.
6. Don't ever do something just because someone dares you to.
This pretty much taps out my nephew Jay, because he'll do just about anything on a dare or for $5. I'm going to dare him to say "I'll be right back" which will ensure his never coming back.
7. If you see a short guy wearing green and wearing a shamrock hat, I wouldn't stick around to ask about his pot of gold.
My father-in-law is Irish, so this is the rule that will most likely get him. He will mistake an evil leprechaun for one of his relatives and take a pink heart to the eye, a yellow moon to the throat, an orange star to the chest and a green clover to the groin. I guess those charms weren't so lucky were they?
This leaves Amy, who will be our heroine and live to tell our tale. She'll sign a book deal, it will become a classic and spawn a movie with several sequels. Following this success, she will start a charity for Victims Of Idiotic Deaths. A short time later the charity will go bankrupt because her contributors will make the checks out to VOID, thus rendering them uncashable.
---------------------------
In the winter of 2016 she will be in an automobile accident. Her "number one fan" Annie Wilkes, will find her car, rescue her and take her back to a remote cabin. After being nursed back to health, Amy is held hostage for several months of misery before she finally escapes into the woods. Unable to cook food or make baskets she eventually dies of starvation. Maybe somebody should have paid more attention to their husband when he was alive.
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