Facebook in July

July 31, 2011 at 11:49 am

My daughter apparently learned to bury her poop by watching my sister-in-law's cat. Potty training, beach edition, is now officially complete

July 29, 2011 at 6:23 pm

All you can eat crab legs, more like all you can drink butter. Someone get me a straw and a cardiologist.

July 28, 2011 at 5:12 pm

I'm assuming the one set of footprints I saw in the sand this morning was when Jesus carried my drunk ass back up to my room last night.

July 27, 2011 at 7:54 pm

My daughter just went for a sunset walk on the beach with some Dutch kid. I'm sure she'll be fine.

July 27, 2011 at 5:12 pm

This vacation condo's a rental so you know I'm gonna stomp the shit out of the floor when G-n-R's Paradise City comes on the iPod.

July 27, 2011 at 8:44 am

I'm off to eat my way into a saltwater taffy coma. So if you see a fat guy on the beach with sticky shit all over him, don't try and wake him up, just let the sweet, sweet taffy run its course.

July 26, 2011 at 1:31 pm

By this time tomorrow I'll be sharing dirty needles under the boardwalk in Ocean City, MD.

July 23, 2011 at 4:38 pm

Feeling a little dehydrated today, I went to take a piss a small puff of yellow smoke came out. Is that bad?

July 23, 2011 at 8:58 pm

Reggae-fest with my company today. Odds of me dying of heat stroke while doing the white man reggae head bob, are currently at 2:1

July 22, 2011 at 12:36 pm

Just saw a woman in a burka pulling a suitcase on the side of the road. Must be strange for Muslim women to pack for a trip. Ok, if we do a nice dinner I'll need my black burka, and if I'm out by the pool, I'll want to wear my black burka, but if we go somewhere more casual, again, I'm going to go with the black burka.

July 21, 2011 at 10:57 am

I heard that my mother-in-law actually took off her sweater this morning. Damn, it must be hot outside.

July 19, 2011 at 8:46 pm

I must have been in a hot tub time machine, because there were phone books on my porch when I got home today. The last time I used a phone book, I tripped over my Rubik's Cube and tore my Men at Work t-shirt.

July 18, 2011 at 7:43 pm

For some strange reason these are the only coins I find in the laundry. When I wash my shirts I call it the starch of dimes. High five!

July 18, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Hey, 40 something, overweight guy riding his bike to work, you’re not in the Tour de France so why are you all geared up? Would you dress up like a clown to drive a Volkswagon Beetle to the office?

July 17, 2011 at 7:44 pm

Had a mini riot on my street after the US women’s soccer team lost to Japan in the World Cup finals today. I kicked the tires on a Honda Odyssey and then refused to eat sushi. White Rage!!!

July 16, 2011 at 10:14 am

I realized that my wife was hitting middle age this morning, when I counted 15 vases in our house, and only one contained flowers.

July 16, 2011 at 9:02 pm

Off to Top Chef star Mike Isabella's new restaurant tonight. Hopefully, it will be as good as Padma looks, or else I'll have to ask him to pack his knives and go.

July 14, 2011 at 6:54 pm

I'm totally quitting Netflix in protest of their new rate hike, just as soon as I get through the final season of "The New Adventures of Old Christine".

July 12, 2011 at 2:42 pm

New York has banned the sale of puppies to people who appear intoxicated. I don't know about you, but after a few margaritas I always pick up a Chihuahua on my way home.

July 10, 2011 at 8:18 pm

These are pants, not shorts, and this Coke has no whiskey in it. Ahhhh shit, vacation must be over.

July 9, 2011 at 6:09 pm

If the media ever needs my picture, I insist that they use my FB profile photo. Especially, if the headline is "Area Man in Critical Condition After Bar Fight with Handicapped, Little Person."

July 8, 2011 at 5:29 pm

After a week away, it's so nice to come home to a memory foam bed that has the perfect indentations of my balls.

July 8, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Turn up the AC/DC cuz I'm on the highway to hell (a/k/a the Pennsylvania Turnpike)

July 7, 2011 at 8:37 pm

I think my daughter is in love with her first cousin. It might be time to have the banjo babies talk

July 7, 2011 at 12:14 pm

This restaurant is playing all the great tunes from my iPod. They are one 2 Live Crew song away from me going all karaoke up in here.

July 6, 2011 at 5:37 pm

The Crawford name can only be carried on by two people and one of them just went down the "Slip and Castrate" in the back yard.

July 3, 2011 at 10:31 pm

At last the grand finale, I didn't think I could hold this fart in any longer.

July 2, 2011 at 7:45 am

Big bucks, no whammies aaaaand stop! "You've landed on a vacation for 3 to beautiful Pittsburgh, PA. We'll drive you and your family 4 hours north where you'll enjoy dinners outside, an Olympic size swimming pool and an open bar. A prize package worth $367!". Road trip yinz bitches!

July 1, 2011 at 2:41 pm

‎3 things I always do on Canada Day
1. Listen to the McKenzie brothers and Geddy Lee sing "Take Off".
2. Pay for everything with Loonies
3. Stand on guard for thee

Facebook in June

June 30, 2011 at 5:04 pm

When my daughter gets out of the pool at the end of her swimming lessons, she always has the thousand yard stare, like she's seen some messed up stuff that she can't talk about. I think I need to find a doctor that specializes in treating PTSD, post traumatic swimming disorder.

June 28, 2011 at 7:54 am

I went to McDonalds yesterday and they weren’t serving burgers because the grill was broken. I wanted to yell “Where’s the beef?”, but since it wasn’t 1984, and it wouldn’t have been funny then either, I just drove away.

June 27, 2011 at 7:23 pm

Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, but it’s a great way to spend a vacation. Four more days until I’m drinking bourbon poolside like it’s a court ordered community service requirement.

June 26, 2011 at 9:15 am

The only clean underwear I have is a pair of long johns, so unless it’s 30 degrees outside it looks like a commando morning. I must remember to fear and respect the zipper in these situations. A life lesson I learned the hard way at the age of 6.

June 25, 2011 at 7:35 pm

Great tunes, plenty of drinks and no kids. Tonight is going to be a series of bad decisions. I hope the 12 year olds up front did their push-ups this morning cuz Daddy is crowd surfing tonight.

June 24, 2011 at 10:01 am

I’m pretty sure if I let my daughters friends play on this giant rubber hot dog, that Chris Hansen from “To catch a Predator” would stop by and ask me to have a seat.

June 23, 2011 at 5:27 pm

My buddy wants to host a Civil War themes dinner party, and he asked me what he should serve. I told him to do an online poll, but if he wants to stay true to the theme then the women and black votes shouldn’t count.

June 22, 2011 at 6:14 pm

The wife went to the Dr. today for a strained forearm. He said she needed to strengthen her muscles, so I showed her how I got my Popeye forearms. I also stressed that it needs to be done every day, even if it starts to feel like a job.

June 21, 2011 at 3:48 pm

Sometimes when I eat corn I give it a wink and a nod, like hey I’ll see you later.

June 20, 2011 at 6:03 pm

I tried to get a picture of the girl with the BJGIRL license plate, but I could only see the top of her head.

June 19, 2011 at 5:49 pm

I left the casino up a couple hundred, not I can finally get that tattoo on my lower back of the Chinese word for tattoo.

June 19, 2011 at 10:44 am

Big day for all of you fathers out there, or as I like to call you, “guys who weren’t afraid to roll the unprotected sex dice”. Thanks Dad!

June 18, 2011 at 5:41 pm

I just donated a bunch of t-shirts to African kids. I feel like a dickhead because a couple of them had food stains. It was like attaching an F.U. note that said “Not only do I have a bunch of extra clothes, but I also have so much food I can’t keep it all in my mouth.”

June 18, 2011 at 12:03 pm

I didn’t realize that we were eating at a farm fresh restaurant and I asked if the mushrooms were canned. From the look on the waitresses face you’d have thought I asked to give her a breast exam.

June 17, 2011 at 6:32 pm

Do port-o-potty’s come pre-pooped in? Just once I want to take a piss onto something other than what appears to be a pile of amputated Pakistani baby’s arms.

June 17, 2011 at 7:13 am

My daughter came downstairs this morning to me in her playroom dancing sans shirt, with a whistle and a bullhorn yelling “Everybody get on the dance floor!”. I’m guessing by her screaming and crying that Gay Night Club isn’t her favorite game.

June 16, 2011 at 8:21 pm

It’s not a new iPhone app and it’s not a euphemism for a wife swap, but tonight we had “tacos with friends” and it was money.

June 15, 2011 at 2:01 pm

I put a Munchhausen by Proxy Syndrome sticker on my car and then I added a bunch of those family/people decals to the back window. In a few months I’m going to start removing the kids decals one by one to see if anyone notices.

June 14, 2011 at 9:15 am

Male gay pride should be on display everywhere today! Oh wait, my bad, small typo here, it’s actually Flag Day.

June 12, 2011 at 5:18 pm

I like to go to family style restaurants alone and cop a “Don’t judge me” attitude with everyone. Tonight it’s Maggiano’s. “I’ll have a large spaghetti, and yes I know how many people it feeds, garlic tits.”.

June 11, 2011 at 8:26 pm

Just when I didn’t think the crowd for the Bright Eyes concert couldn’t get any whiter an albino guy walks by.

June 11, 2011 at 2:14 am

Ahhhh, so nice to get the first pee in the pool of the season under my belt. (Literally)

June 11, 2011 at 10:00 am

The air conditioning is out. I haven’t been this hot since my unit was humping through rice paddies outside of Da Nang in ’72.

June 10, 2011 at 9:17 pm

Eating a footlong corndog tonight made me realize that I made the right decision not going into gay porn.

June 7, 2011 at 10:32 am

I love being woken up in the middle of the night by a hysterically screaming child. Is she hurt? Is she sick? Was she clubbed in the ankle to keep her from skating in the Olympics? No, she just rolled over on her bracelet and broke off the charm.

June 5, 2011 at 10:57 am

I went to clean up my daughter’s playroom and I found two naked Barbies embracing each other on the floor. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, because I did buy the “This One Time in College” Barbie.

June 4, 2011 at 11:10 am

“Totally worth every minute this takes off of my life”. What I think right before I eat at Five Guys.

June 3, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Today’s Baghdad Groupon is for 73 virgins in paradise if you martyr yourself by June 3, 2012. BUY!

June 2, 2011 at 5:57 pm

Watching my daughter open pistachios for me while I drink a margarita sure makes me question my stance on slavery.

June 1, 2011 at 5:57 pm

Journey tribute band at Herndon Festival tomorrow night. I might have to dedicate “Lovin’ Touchin’, Squeezin’” to my first funnel cake of the season.