- Bill Murray's wife is divorcing him because he likes drugs, fucks around, punched her in the face and often left the country without telling anyone. On the upside the Dalai Lama has granted him total consciousness on his deathbed, so at least he has that going for him.
- Ashlee Simpson announced that she is pregnant with Pete Wentz's baby. Hey Pete, maybe you should rename your band Pull Out Boy.
- Scarlett Johanson released an album of Tom Waits covers last week. Yeah, that pretty much is the joke. He's a singer turned actor and she's an actor turned singer. These two should star together in Duets II, because clearly they are this generations Huey Lewis and Gwyneth Paltrow.
- Sharon Stone blamed the devastating earthquake in China on their bad Karma. Bad Karma? Really? C'mon everybody knows the earthquake was because God hates yellow people. Duh!
- Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart are engaged! Hopefully they'll have a sex tape coming out soon, because I always wanted to see a corpse fuck a coat hanger.
- Al Gore's Inconvenient Truth is being worked into an Opera. If I wanted to hear a fat lady sing about global warming I would have called Tipper. Pow! Zing! High Five!
- Shania Twain and Mutt Lange are divorcing after 14 years of marriage. Apparently, Twain wanted to know whose bed have Mutt's boots been under. I guess Lange wasn't in it for love, so Shania was outta there.
- Eddie Murphy has signed on to do Beverly Hill Cop 4. It must have been a tough call. Do I do Norbit 2 or BHC4? I got to act opposite the great Joey Travolta in BHC3, and I had to act opposite my-over-the-top-self in Norbit. What to do? What to do? I guess I gotta go with BHC4 and Joey Travolta.
- The Rachael Ray Duncan Donut ad was pulled this week because her scarf was deemed to look like a kiffiyeh, a terrorist adornment. After years of annoyingly perky behavior I guess Jihad it coming to her. Ba-dum-bum. Thanks folks I'll be here all week, try the roast beef and remember to tip your servers.
Hacky, sure, not very funny, debatable, but it's Friday and sometimes you just gotta get out a few one liners to start the day.
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