Facebook in September

September 6, 2012
I'm not sure how he did it, but my wife was fully clothed at the beginning of Clinton's speech last night and by the end she was laying there naked smoking a cigarette.

September 10, 2012
Back to Tampa for work again tomorrow. Does anyone know a good trick for getting body glitter out of your belly button? Just asking for a friend, who said his shower looked like an episode of "Gold Rush Alaska" last time he was there.

September 11, 2012
Flying out of DC with my Muslim co-worker today. I hope that the TSA screeners get a good laugh at the fake box cutter I slipped into her bag.

September 12, 2012
If I've learned one thing from Facebook, it's that women really, really, really love inspirational quotes.

September 12, 2012
I had every intention of finishing the book I've been reading for 8 months, but now I'm watching a chick do flip cup using only her ass. Damn you overhead airport announcer for informing me of free wi-fi.

September 14, 2012
I'm all for cleanliness but the guy in the bathroom with me just took a piss and then washed his hands like he was preparing for open heart surgery. I wanted to say "Dude, how dirty is your junk?".

September 16, 2012
Apparently, the poster for this concert I saw in 1995 is now considered "vintage". I also got married in 1995, so it looks like I have some bad news for my wife

September 19, 2012
20 years ago today, I watched Amy do her 3rd keg stand in a row and I immediately knew that she was the girl I was going to marry.

September 20, 2012
My daughter came up to me this morning and said "Hey pops, give me some skin.". Looks like my efforts to raise her as a poor black child from the 70's, a la Navin Johnson, are paying off.

September 21, 2012
I was watching “The Big Chill" last night and when they did the famous dinner scene with the Motown songs, I started wondering how that would play out with my college friends. Somehow I don’t think that setting the table to Marky Mark's “Good Vibrations” would’ve had the same nostalgic effect.

September 24, 2012
To the girl in front of me at Starbucks: Using the drive-thru in a car whose window doesn’t go down is a lot like a girl trying to pee standing up. Sure it can be done, but there’s a better option available to you that doesn’t make a mess for everyone behind you.

September 24, 2012
Checking Facebook on my birthday always gives me a glimpse into what it’s like to be semi-famous, like one of those guys on Showtime’s "Gigolos". I just hope I can use this wave of popularity to get a last minute reservation at Ponderosa. Thanks everyone!

September 26, 2012
I had fried chicken and biscuits for breakfast and lunch today. I don't think that I'm using this Richard Simmons Deal a Meal set right.

September 27, 2012
I'm pretty sure the woman who just drove passed my house at the same time I walked through a spider web thought I was a mentally challenged, schizophrenic spaz.

September 28, 2012
I just shook my keyboard and an entire strawberry pop tart came flying out. I should probably stop eating at my desk.

September 28, 2012
I'd be more excited for Friday at 5:00, if I didn't have to work Saturday at 9:00. If only there were a song about everybody working for the weekend to cheer me up.