Facebook in July

July 1, 2012
Apparently my Mom was in the hospital this week. She said she didn't tell me because there wasn't anything I could do. I said I could have at least signed a DNR.

July 11, 2012
Fried mac-n-cheese, chili and cheese sauce on a dog. I'm pretty sure that I in a few hours I will know what prison rape is like.

July 13, 2012
My daughter was crushing me about Mommy being the boss, so I had to pull the car over, get in her face and tell her who's the boss...Tony Danza.

July 13, 2012
I just did the walk of shame. I carried a bag of 5 Guys passed a Lifetime Fitness and a Whole Foods. Sometimes you just gotta own your poor decisions.

July 14, 2012
Last night the wife said she wanted a new car and I said let's wait a year. Today we have a new car. Damn, maybe my kid was right, Mommy is the boss.

July 20, 2012
They say you should dress for the position you want, not the position you have. What should I wear for reverse cowgirl?

July 21, 2012
My daughter just asked me to play Old Maid and I had to watch a YouTube video to remember the rules. (First World Problems)

July 23, 2012
My daughter's class went to see Ice Age, but it was sold out so they saw a cute little movie about a talking bear named Ted. I asked her how it was and she said "I laughed my fucking ass off.". I think her teachers may have misread the movie description.

July 24, 2012
I just bought a music CD and I had to slide it in with a bunch of other stuff, like a teenager buying condoms. I'll take a magazine, two Slim Jims, this CD, and a Cherry Coke.

July 26, 2012
Apparently my daughter is the Bobby Fischer of Connect Four, because she legitimately beat me twice in a row last night. I think it's time I start getting pretty sneaky on her ass.

July 26, 2012
I will be off the grid until Sunday. I'm filming an episode of HBO's Real Sex, where old people get naked in the woods. Please don't post anything funny or interesting until I get back. Thanks.

July 30, 2012
Dear women's olympic beach volleyball teams, most of us don't watch you for your bump, set and spike skills. Please lose the longs sleeve shirts and pants. 
Thanks,
Men Everywhere

July 1, 2012

July 1, 2012