Facebook in March

March 1, 2012
Please help. For only $43 a month you can sponsor a suburban child. No middle-class kid should have to go to school with imitation UGGs and Louis Vuitton knock-offs. Bring hope to a child in need and they will post Facebook photos in the brand name gear your precious dollars provide. Re-post if you know a child like Maggie, who needs to feel the love that only comes from sporting designer labels.

March 3, 2012
Taking my wife on a weekend getaway to Richmond, VA today. Finally, going to fulfill her runaway slave fantasy, I just hope this shoe polish comes off before we need to get a taxi.

March 6, 2012
My brother-in-law has been sporting a Fu Manchu mustache. I’ve always wanted to shave down to that form, but one guy in the family with a Fu Manchu is sweet, two guys and the wife might start checking my pockets for receipts to the Backdoor Leather Company.

March 9, 2012
Apparently this "John Carter" movie isn't about Noah Wylie's character on E.R., well there goes my weekend plans.

March 9, 2012
Even when we just go to McDonalds my daughter dresses like she's a regular goddamn Pippa Middleton. Maybe I shouldn't have raised her to speak with an English accent, but it's just so damn cute when she calls everyone a cunt.

March 10, 2012
Got my fantasy football trophy tonight, so the wife is sleeping on the couch! The next winner may want to stock up on some Purell.

March 13, 2012
Heading to Mississippi for work next week. I might have to bring my cowbell on the plane and throw Mountain's "Mississippi Queen" on repeat, I don't think anyone will mind.

March 14, 2012
Happy Steak & Blow Job Day. Don't forget, nobody likes it when you talk with your mouth full.

March 16, 2012
Looking forward to getting the iPad 3 today. They didn't advertise this feature, but I heard the graphics are so good it even un-pixelates Japanese porn.

March 17, 2012
I left a beer in the freezer last night and it exploded. Nothing like showing up at a 4 year old's soccer practice at 8:00 AM wearing a Guiness shirt and reeking of alcohol. At least it's St. Patrick's Day, so I can just look at the other parents and give them a big thumbs up.

March 17, 2012
The downside to watching all my shows on DVR is that I miss a lot if Amber Alerts. Two days late on this one, my bad Wilbert Garcia, glad you're safe.

March 18, 2012
Is there anything more precious than the look on a child's face when they hear you say "I can't believe the bear killed the Lorax", just before they go into the theater?

March 19, 2012
I couldn't find this one in the child care books, so I need a little help from the parents out there. When my daughter says she loves Justin Bieber, is it OK for me to give her the WTF face while simultaneously using the jerk off hand motion?

March 20, 2012
I'm at the airport an hour early with $70 burning a hole on my pocket, so full Brazilian wax it is! Gate D24 here I come.

March 20, 2012
In Vicksburg, Mississippi for work today. The hotel concierge said the cab would be here in a couple seconds, so I had to count "One, the state I'm in. Two, the state I'm in..."

March 21, 2012
Off to the riverboat casinos. Time to get obnoxious and start yelling in my best Paula Dean twang, "Bless your heart I'm gonna double down y'all!"

March 27, 2012
My Bro's in town so all my ho's need to step back.