April 4, 2012
Joe Flacco thinks he's the best QB in the NFL, that's like Jeremy Lin saying he thinks he has the biggest penis in the NBA.
April 6, 2012
At the dentist and the entire right side of my face is full of novacaine. On the plus side my Dick Clark impression is spot on today.
April 8, 2012
For Easter I put real egg yolks in all of my daughters plastic eggs. I don't think she enjoyed it as much as I did.
April 12, 2012
Less than a week until Disney, so it's time to start working on things to say to make the princesses break character. "Hey Jasmine, when your carpet gets wet are you still DTF?" (Down to fly).
April 13, 2012
My daughter just asked my wife something that I've never said to anyone before in my entire life, "Can we work out tomorrow?".
April 17, 2012
I've been using clove oil to treat an extracted tooth all week. Every time I smell the stuff I get an irresistible urge to start a drum circle.
April 19, 2012
We've been in Orlando less than 24 hours and I already took a shit that looked exactly like Mickey Mouse ears. This really is the happiest place on earth.
April 20, 2012
The wife was humming "It's a small world" when I got out of the shower this morning. I guess they added a new section to the Magic Kingdom called emasculation land.
April 20, 2012
All I said was "For what we are paying to have dinner with the princesses there should at least be a champagne room", and suddenly I'm the creepy Dad.
April 22, 2012
After three days of long lines and huge crowds at Disney, I had to ease myself back into society by going to Costco this morning.
April 24, 2012
In Williamsburg, VA for work. I know this town is all about living in the past, but my hotel room having a 25" tube TV and no wi-fi is taking it a bit too far.
April 27, 2012
Gave my wife a high five this morning for keeping our kid alive for 5 years. Besides, she was too big to flush, unlike every fish we've ever owned.
April 27, 2012
Got cut off after two beers at Chuck E. Cheese tonight. In my defense the 8 year old playing pop-a-shot was getting cocky, and I might have blocked a shot or two.
April 30, 2012
I took my daughter out on a date tonight, and we had a 20 minute conversation about whether or not our slender waiter with long dreads was a guy or girl. I think I finally convinced her that it was a man, but along the way I did have to concede that women sometimes have mustaches.
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