There's a Football in the Air

Here is a look at my 2008/2009 NFL predictions.

AFC North

1. Steelers (11-5)

Another AFC North title for my boys. Kenny and Bruce you guys will both owe me $5.

2. Clowns (9-7)

Anderson is no longer a surprise, and the inability to stop the run will cost them some close games this year. Plus, they are the brownies, they always find a way to lose.

3. Bungles (7-9)

A lot of proven talent, but no team chemisty and a lack of defense will plague these perennial underachievers.

Toss up: Will they have more arrests or TD's this year?

4. Ratbirds (4-12)

No QB = No Hope. Enjoy the basement fuckers!

AFC EAST

1. Patsys (12-4)

Not perfection this year, but strong enough. Hate 'em, but they are good.

2. Billies (10-6)

Lee Evans has a break out year mainly because he is on my fantasy team.

3. J-E-T-S, Suck! Suck! Suck! (7-9)

Improved, but even OFF (Old Fuck Favre) can't get them to the playoffs.

4. The Fish (4-12)

Parcells is making a bunch of changes, but Miami could still be beaten by most top 25 college teams.

AFC South

1. Dolts (11-5)

Marvin Harrison catches tons of TD's, or else he'll ride the pine on my fantasy team.

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2. Jagoffs (10-6)

No superstars, just a solid team year in and year out. I'm still reeling from Garrard's 32 yard run on 4th and 2 last year. I hope he breaks his liver in the first game.

3. Texans (7-9)

Marked improvement, but not a threat to make the playoffs especially after getting thumped in week 1 by my boys.

4. Oilers (6-10)

If you can name a Titan player other than Vince Young, then you're doing better than me.

AFC West

1. Super Chargers (12-4)

LT is back and so are the Chargers. Does anyone East of the Mississippi notice?

2. Haters (9-7)

Break out year for Russell, but not enough to crack the top 6 in the AFC. Just an observation, but is every Mexican a Raiders fan?

3. Donkeys (8-8)

Up and down like a $2 hooker.

4. Chefs (5-11)

Enjoy the BBQ, because that will be the only good thing in KC this year.

NFC North

1. Mini-Vikes (10-6)

Winner by being the least sucky in this welfare division

2. Fudge Packers (8-8)

No Favre, No Playoffs. Should have welcomed him back with open arms. Idiots!

3. Squares (6-10)

Name one great Bears QB and I'll give you $20.

4. Lions (6-10)

Tatum Bell stole Rudi Johnsons bags this week because he was pissed at being cut. This is the best story that will come out of that shithole they call Detroit this year.

NFC East

1. Cryboys (12-4)

Great team, shitty conference. It is amazing how much T.O and I look alike running on the beach.

2. Giants (10-6)

No repeat, but good enough to be in the mix at the end of the year.

3. Beagles (8-8)

I will only watch one Eagles game this year, and that's because they play the Steelers.

4. Mutha-fuckin Deadskins (7-9)

No QB means they will lose a lot of 3 point games. If you love low scoring, boring football, you will love the 2008/2009 Redskins.

NFC South

1. The Ain'ts (11-5)

The pieces are in place for a great year, but they have to avoid bad losses, hurricanes and George Bush's hatred for black people.

2. Black Panthers (10-6)

Hey, they put up 47 on the Redskins in pre-season. Good enough for me to rank them in 2nd place.

3. Tampa Gay (6-10)

Their offense gets senior citizen discounts at Denny's when they are on the road. Six wins is a prayer for these jokers.

4. Falcons (3-13)

Vick's dogs will chew up more yards than the Atlanta offense this year.

NFC West

1. Squawks (11-5)

They play so far away from everything, they may as well be in the CFL.

2. Red Birds (10-6)

I know they have a great stadium and that's pretty much the extent of my knowledge of this team.

3. Rammers (8-8)

Stephen Jackson's broken leg while river dancing in his shower during the bye week dooms their season.

4. 69'ers (4-12)

Bryant catches 12 TD's under my fantasy tutelage, unfortunately those are the only points they score in their 12 losses.

AFC Playoffs

Steelers over Jags

Colts over Bills

Pats over Steelers

Chargers over Colts

Chargers over Pats

NFC Playoffs

Seahawks over Cardinals

Giants over Vikings

Cowboys over Giants

Saints over Seahawks

Cowboys over Saints

Super Bowl

Chargers over Cowboys

There it is in black and white. We'll revisit this post in February and see how incredibly right I was. Now, I have to go pack up the truck for the trip to Heinz field this Sunday. Then, I need to practice running my victory laps.