Sick

My ass is running like a fire hydrant in Harlem on the 4th of July, my butt is exploding like Amy's Facebook page. My stomach is tumbling like an under-age Chinese gymnist. I'm tossing more cookies than Mrs. Smith. I'm blowing more chunks than Corey Feldman at a Goonies reunion. The house smells worse than a port-o-potty at an Irritable Bowel Syndrome retreat. I hope that gives you an idea of my Saturday, and my cock-strong simile skills.

It is so bad that Amy and Maggie had to leave the state. They went to Maryland to celebrate my birthday with the family, while I stayed home to fend for myself. They are dining on steak and lobster, while it took me 75 minutes to gnaw through most of a stale McDonalds hamburger. They are drinking beers, playing wii, shooting pool and jamming to tunes, while I am watching The Soup. It's Miley! They are cracking jokes and jonin' on each other, while I am trying to decide which of my armpits smells worse. Do you feel bad yet people?

I'd better go now, because I just had this great idea for a tattoo...