Drowning Babies
For whatever reason, Maggie hates the water. Not only does she hate it when she gets near it, she hates it when anyone else gets near it. Either she was on the Titanic in a previous life or Amy's womb left some kind of imprint on her that she has yet to overcome. I played Dark Side of the Moon to her when she was in utero, maybe I should see if she reacts the same way to Pink Floyd.
Anyway, in my infinite wisdom I decided to coax Maggie near the water by leaving a trail of balls. When she got near the edge of the pool I picked her up and held her feet to the water. Wimpers, but no major screams, so I step back and whoooooosh. I go under for what seems like an eternity. I have one hand gripping Maggie's dress holding her at the surface and I go to the bottom. As I hear Simon and Garfunkel's The Sound of Silence start to play, I quickly get my bearings and surface yelling for Amy to grab her. Everyone is pretty much stunned and Maggie is a bitter, bitter baby. Luckily, we weren't in Tommy Lee's pool so Maggie survived. Because I fuck around so much, of course everyone thought I was joking. They were like "Oh there's Erik playing the drowning baby game with Maggie, haha. I love it when he holds her head under water and yells who's your daddy? It is High-larious".
Drunken Bets
From drowning babies to potentially drowning brother-in-laws. After several adult beverages we are in the pool placing a multitude of assinine bets on the impending NFL season, when we decided to bet Bruce $20 that he couldn't swim across the canal and back. It is maybe 75 yards, so nothing major, but still there was that chance of getting eaten by a snake or hit by a boat.
Bruce wades out about 1/4 of the way and we are like WTF? Is he Jesus? Is he just going to walk the whole way across? "Dude when you get back can you turn this pool into wine because I'm running low?" He finally drops in and starts his Michael Phelps impersonation. When he reaches the other side he jumps up and screams drawing the attention of our fellow vacationers who are hanging out on the porch across the way. We request a flip turn, but he just scoffs and returns to our side unscathed. We are entertained, but a bit disappointed that he didn't struggle more with the task. Maybe we should have started using the fishing poles to try and hook him, or at least made him do it naked.
Friendly Competition
The weather turned ugly for the middle of the week, so indoor games became all the rage at 2929 Sandpiper Road. Ping Pong became the game of choice. The first day of competition was an exercise in who could suck the least, but by day three of the Sandpiper Open, we were killing it like Forrest Gump. People were sweating and balls were flying around like a gay pride parade. It was like we were all channeling our inner Asian. As soon as I got that paddle in my hand I started craving sushi and my penis began shrinking. Hmmmm, now I know why Amy asked me to drink some Kool-Aid play some basketball before we went to bed.
You Break It You Buy It
We all decided to venture out to the Virginia Beach boardwalk for some grub and to check out the locals. Amy wanted to get a t-shirt for Maggie, so we ended up in the International House of Beach Crap getting a shirt made. As we waited for assistance, Brittany's boyfriend Kenny bumped a shelf and a snow globe smashed to the ground. The clerk rang him up and made him pay $5.98 and we walked out. After the wagons circled and the story was rehashed, Pat opened up a huge can of "It's on Like Donkey Kong" and we headed back into the store to get the party started.
He and Kenny asked the clerk to sweep up the sand and put it in the bag since they paid for it. The clerk was all bitter, but obliged. The manager came out and the war of words really got going. She bragged about being a store manager for over 20 years, Brittany got in her face and went oooooooooooh and Pat said "Maybe you should look into getting an education". Then I smashed three snow globes on the ground, threw a twenty dollar bill in the manager's face and told the clerk to suck it. Ok, maybe that last part didn't happen, but that would have been great.
Throw in some fishing, an uber-competitive badminton game, a lot of drinking, swimming, a 1000 piece puzzle, a viewing of Tropical Thunder and that was our Virginia beach vacation in a nutshell. Now, if you'll excuse me I need to start training for next year's canal walk/swim.
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