37

Tomorrow is my 37th birthday, which is the same number of dicks sucked by Dante's girlfriend Veronica in Clerks, that is if you include Dante. Tomorrow I will wake up at the same time, take a shower at the same time, drive to work at the same time, where I will kill eight hours workin' for the man, before I head home, watch TV, and go to bed. Hooray! Every birthday between 21 and death is just a reminder that the bell will be tolling for thee sooner than you think, especially the way I eat and drink. I was going to add merry to that sentence because it completes the phrase, but I'm not sure I've ever truly been merry. I've been excited, I've been happy, I've been fucking over the moon after a couple vicodin and some wine, but I don't think I've ever described myself as merry and I'm ok with that.

Some people want death to come quickly, so they don't have time to think about it. I want a nice long drawn out illness to pre-empt my demise, so I have some time to do some fucked up shit first. Here's my top 10 list of things that I would do if I got some jacked up terminal illness:

10. Run onto the track at the Kentucky Derby after my horse loses, and punch the jockey like Joe Pesci did in Easy Money.

9. Get on the Price is Right and bid $2.50 over the highest price every time, so that someone is always getting fucked.

8. Two chicks at the same time, and I'm pretty sure that make-a-wish could hook that up for me.

7. Go to Amsterdam and order a Royale with cheese.

6. Fly on an airplane and leave my unapproved electronic device on during takeoff and landing. I know, I'm crazy, you can't stop me, you can only hope to contain me.

5. Play Russian Roulette Deer Hunter style. Just me and a bunch of crazy asians in a backroom down in Chinatown.

4. Travel to Utah, knock on all the Mormons doors and ask them if they've accepted that Kirk Hammett is God. I will probably need a partner and a couple bikes to get this done. Damn, make-a-wish you put me in a tight spot. I now have two wishes.

3. Pick a random animal from the endangered species list and see if I could make them extinct before I died. The Darwinian race is on bitches!

2. Streak through a Church on Easter Sunday after taking a viagra, yelling "He has Risen!"

1. Live in a Costco for three days while I shoot up a fuck ton of heroin and crack.

Finally, I looked up '37' in Wikipedia and here is what I discovered:

• Spinal Tap has had 37 Drummers. I hope to be #38.
• Shakespeare wrote 37 plays. I’ve written approximately 0.
• 37 degrees is the normal body temperature in Celsius. Too bad I use the Kelvin scale.
• The 37th president was Richard Nixon. I am neither a dick nor a crook, and I don't have a crooked dick, but I do like the song Crooked Stick by Stu Stone and Jamie Kennedy.
• It is the first irregular prime number. I suck at math.

Sorry, I've been crazy with the lists lately. I work in PowerPoint so much these days that I tend to think in bullet points. Actually putting a paragraph of cohesive thought together takes extra effort. Plus, I have been knee deep in the hoopla of learning a new conferencing product, so I've had to purge some of my writing skills, to make room for stuff like figuring out how conferencing software gets installed on a server behind a firewall. Only so many brain cells to go around, folks, 37 to be exact.