TV has gotten so bad this summer that I actually checked a book out of the library. I'm not talking about a book on tape or CD, but an actual collection of bound pages with chapters and words. Granted I've only read 60 pages in three weeks, but hey I look at it on my coffee table every night and I feel smarter for having it in my presence.
Here are the shows I Tivo'd when I went away on vacation. In other words, these are the shows that I couldn't stand missing even for one week. I need to go all Oedipal and gouge my eyes out now. (I will skip the part about killing my Dad and banging my Mom, not because I'm morally opposed to it, but because I'm really lazy.)
Deadliest Catch
I get all warm and tingly when I hear Mike Rowe say the phrase “300 miles north of Dutch Harbor”. I can almost smell the Behring sea spray mixed with rotting fish and fresh crabs from my cozy couch in Virginia. Too bad Maggie isn't school-aged yet, I would love to help her make a model of the Cornelia Marie complete with Phil Harris in the wheel house smoking a cigarette and drinking a Red Bull.
The Next Food Network Star
This is the poor man’s Top Chef, but it satisfies my need to see people’s culinary dreams destroyed.
Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D List
Love her or hate her she is responsible for me saying “Suck it Jesus” about 15 times a day.
Real World
Watching this show for me is like the teenage girl who is a cutter. I know I shouldn’t do it but sometimes you just need to feel some pain regardless of the scars it may leave behind.
Ladette to Lady
This is a BBC show that I somehow got sucked into. It’s like the play Pygmalion, but in reality TV show form. They take very un-lady like Brittish girls and try to make them into a high society snobs. I’m just a sucker for the Brittish accent, especially when the girls get all cheeky and snog at the pub while drinking pints and smoking fags with a bunch of their mates.
Moment of Truth
I can only watch this show with the Tivo clicker in hand, so that I can fast forward through the endless minutes of bullshit between questions. It’s pure voyeuristic masturbation watching these people tell their loved ones how worthless they think they are.
Weeds
This show makes me want to quit my job and grow marijuana everytime I watch it. If only I had the balls to deal drugs instead of creating websites all day. Maybe I should just do drugs and create websites for just part of the day.
Ice Road Truckers
As you already know I have a fondness for whorish BBC chicks, but I also love hardcore Canadian accents on guys with crazy tuques. I think it goes back to my youth when I watched Strange Brew about 400 times. These guys drive big rigs across frozen sheets of ice up in the arctic circle, and while this show has become incredibly old, incredibly fast I still throw it into the mix every week, because TV is just that bad right now.
Intervention
Watching addicts act like total assholes is completely entertaining to me. Personally, I don't need drugs or alcohol to be a complete dick, but hey whatever works. The actual intervention part of the show gets a big blup-blip (That's Tivo speak for fast forward) from me. I always root for the addict to relapse at the end of the show and go back to their self-destructing ways, but more often than not the addict is still sober. Although they crank these things out so fast the show will air on July 7th and they will have been sober since July 2nd.
I think I'm going to go and take a coma now. Wake me in September when ESPN has something to talk about again and the big shows come back to save me from staring at this book on my coffee table.
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