It's been a few months since I started blogging and I think we are now acquainted well enough that I can talk about this next subject. My funeral. I would like to lay down a few ground rules in black and white so that there are no gray areas when it comes to disposing of my rotting carcas.
Rule #1
No suits or formalwear of any kind. I won't be wearing one, so neither should you. Which brings me to my first dilemma. Should I be viewed in my Steelers or Pens jersey? I'm leaning towards my Pens jersey with a Terrible Towel so that both of my sports loves are addressed. I would like to have a fake mechanical arm raise out of the coffin and wave the towel at random times during the ceremony.
Rule #2
No flowers. Take the money you would spend on flowers and go out to dinner, and at the end of the meal, just mention that this one was on Erik. I don't want anyone to bring anything to the show, your attendance is more than enough. In fact, let's go ahead and have it broadcast over the web, so if you want to come fine, if not you can view it on the website at your convenience.
Rule #3
My immediate family must tell one story about me that contains the word "fuck". No Bible passages, no religious banter, no talk of the afterlife, just profane stories, preferably with a humorous angle. We are trying to put the fun back in funeral here, work with me people.
Rule #4
I want to be cremated. Maybe this should have been rule #1 before the no suits required, no flowers and "fuck" story rules, but I am not going to reformat. Now this is a tricky one, because when you go with cremation, then there are a plethora of options that are presented with regard to what you can do with the ashes. According to eBay 1 pound of weight = just under 1 cubic inch of ash. Say I am around 240 when I go, my relatives will have about 200 cubic inches of ash to work with. This is subject to change, as Amy may have some input, but here is a general guideline for my ash disposal.
1. 50 Cubic Inches to make a necklace for Amy
2. 50 Cubic Inches to make earrings for Maggie
2. 25 Cubic Inches to be sprinkled on Heinz Field
3. 25 Cubic Inches to be baked into brownies and sold outside of a Ravens game. Even after I'm dead I want Baltimore fans to eat me.
4. 25 Cubic Inches to be snorted by Maggie at a party when she is hammered. Who wouldn't want to have that story in their back pocket? "Man, I was so wasted that I puked in the driveway at my grandma's house. Yeah, well one time I was so fucked up that I snorted my Dad's ashes." We have a winner!
5. 25 Cubic Inches to be set aside for random mischief.
Rule #5
All music must be from my collection. These are the only required songs. Welcome to my final playlist, come inside, make yourself comfortable and enjoy!
1. Oingo Boingo - Dead Man's Party - To be played as guests are entering the funeral home.
2. Pearl Jam - Alive - To be played in the middle of the ceremony. When Vedder croons "I'm still alive" the Terrible Towel hand will wave from inside the coffin.
3. You'll Have Time - William Shatner - After some comic relief, this song will remind everyone of their own mortality and bring the festive mood down just a notch. It's a nice transition between the fun songs and the heavier stuff that is up next.
4. Jeff Buckley - The Last Goodbye - This will bring the mood down and set a darker tone, so that the last couple of songs have that extra punch.
5. David Gray - Shine - In case we couldn't get any tears flowing from Buckley, here is another tissue grabber.
6. Journey - Don't Stop Believin' - Just as people are starting to get all pensive, I want to have everyone bust out into one big sing along. (This will include a video montage of photos mixed in with me singing, wearing my Steve Perry mullet wig and rocking a mean air guitar.)
7. Run DMC - It's Tricky - This will be my exit music. It's almost impossible to hear this song and not leave in a good mood.
Rule #6
My obituary must be a mixture of truth and total fabrications. Let's see if you can pick out what is true from what is false.
Rule #1
No suits or formalwear of any kind. I won't be wearing one, so neither should you. Which brings me to my first dilemma. Should I be viewed in my Steelers or Pens jersey? I'm leaning towards my Pens jersey with a Terrible Towel so that both of my sports loves are addressed. I would like to have a fake mechanical arm raise out of the coffin and wave the towel at random times during the ceremony.
Rule #2
No flowers. Take the money you would spend on flowers and go out to dinner, and at the end of the meal, just mention that this one was on Erik. I don't want anyone to bring anything to the show, your attendance is more than enough. In fact, let's go ahead and have it broadcast over the web, so if you want to come fine, if not you can view it on the website at your convenience.
Rule #3
My immediate family must tell one story about me that contains the word "fuck". No Bible passages, no religious banter, no talk of the afterlife, just profane stories, preferably with a humorous angle. We are trying to put the fun back in funeral here, work with me people.
Rule #4
I want to be cremated. Maybe this should have been rule #1 before the no suits required, no flowers and "fuck" story rules, but I am not going to reformat. Now this is a tricky one, because when you go with cremation, then there are a plethora of options that are presented with regard to what you can do with the ashes. According to eBay 1 pound of weight = just under 1 cubic inch of ash. Say I am around 240 when I go, my relatives will have about 200 cubic inches of ash to work with. This is subject to change, as Amy may have some input, but here is a general guideline for my ash disposal.
1. 50 Cubic Inches to make a necklace for Amy
2. 50 Cubic Inches to make earrings for Maggie
2. 25 Cubic Inches to be sprinkled on Heinz Field
3. 25 Cubic Inches to be baked into brownies and sold outside of a Ravens game. Even after I'm dead I want Baltimore fans to eat me.
4. 25 Cubic Inches to be snorted by Maggie at a party when she is hammered. Who wouldn't want to have that story in their back pocket? "Man, I was so wasted that I puked in the driveway at my grandma's house. Yeah, well one time I was so fucked up that I snorted my Dad's ashes." We have a winner!
5. 25 Cubic Inches to be set aside for random mischief.
Rule #5
All music must be from my collection. These are the only required songs. Welcome to my final playlist, come inside, make yourself comfortable and enjoy!
1. Oingo Boingo - Dead Man's Party - To be played as guests are entering the funeral home.
2. Pearl Jam - Alive - To be played in the middle of the ceremony. When Vedder croons "I'm still alive" the Terrible Towel hand will wave from inside the coffin.
3. You'll Have Time - William Shatner - After some comic relief, this song will remind everyone of their own mortality and bring the festive mood down just a notch. It's a nice transition between the fun songs and the heavier stuff that is up next.
4. Jeff Buckley - The Last Goodbye - This will bring the mood down and set a darker tone, so that the last couple of songs have that extra punch.
5. David Gray - Shine - In case we couldn't get any tears flowing from Buckley, here is another tissue grabber.
6. Journey - Don't Stop Believin' - Just as people are starting to get all pensive, I want to have everyone bust out into one big sing along. (This will include a video montage of photos mixed in with me singing, wearing my Steve Perry mullet wig and rocking a mean air guitar.)
7. Run DMC - It's Tricky - This will be my exit music. It's almost impossible to hear this song and not leave in a good mood.
Rule #6
My obituary must be a mixture of truth and total fabrications. Let's see if you can pick out what is true from what is false.
Frederick William Crawford Jr. (1971 -2037)
Frederick Crawford died of auto-erotic asphyxiation yesterday at the age of 66. He is survived by his daughter, Maggie and his wife, Amy. He was a 1989 graduate of Slippery Rock High School, and a 1993 graduate of Towson University. Mr. Crawford was a lifelong jogger and an avid collector of finger nail clippings. He leaves behind a diverse estate which includes an Executive Costco membership, a kick ass fantasy football team, an assortment of leather pants, a $10 gift card to the Olive Garden and a set of Pittsburgh Steelers wind chimes. The service will be held on Tuesday at 7:00 PM due to the Steelers vs. Browns Monday night game. (That's also part of the rules, I can not be buried on a Steelers game day.)
Rule #7
My headstone, must contain a funny quote. George Carlin always wanted "He was here a minute ago." This isn't entirely an original idea, but I wouldn't mind having something like this:
Finally I am free of this earth
Unbound of its restraints
Carried above the clouds
Kicking back enjoying the view
May I rest in peace
Eternally content.
If you take the first letter of each line and read down you get the idea. The average joe probably wouldn't get it, but those in the know would always smile when they visited me.
There you have it, a quick outline for my final day. I think that it would be memorable and fit my personality pretty well, but if it becomes a big pain in the ass just throw me in a cardboard box and dump me in the river, wearing my Pens jersey of course.
Rule #7
My headstone, must contain a funny quote. George Carlin always wanted "He was here a minute ago." This isn't entirely an original idea, but I wouldn't mind having something like this:
Finally I am free of this earth
Unbound of its restraints
Carried above the clouds
Kicking back enjoying the view
May I rest in peace
Eternally content.
If you take the first letter of each line and read down you get the idea. The average joe probably wouldn't get it, but those in the know would always smile when they visited me.
There you have it, a quick outline for my final day. I think that it would be memorable and fit my personality pretty well, but if it becomes a big pain in the ass just throw me in a cardboard box and dump me in the river, wearing my Pens jersey of course.
3 comments:
One of my requirements is to use a toe pincer coffin like they do in Europe - or like Dracula. Those rock
You can build your own here:
http://wayneofthewoods.com/coffin%202.html
This is my favorite blog that you've ever done. I laughed my ass off!!!
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