Here Comes the Hurricane

I usually let Amy blag (blog and brag) about our daughter, but every now and then I like to put my spin on her progress. Between walking, talking, playing, and attitude, she has become the perfect storm, and old Captain Erik is having trouble keeping the SS Moo afloat.

Walking
One of her favorite activities is climbing the stairs. She knows that she isn't supposed to go higher than the first four steps, but she'll go right to the top of the fourth stair, look over to make sure I'm watching her, and then put her foot on the fifth stair. Her face is saying "What are you gonna do if I go higher? Carry me back down, oooh big threat I'll just go up again. Bring it on fucker!" They say what comes around goes around, and while she may not have my eyes, she definitely has my lack of respect for authority and need to test boundaries.

Talking
Her vocabulary is growing exponentially. You say apple, she says apple. You say thank you, she says thank you. You say son of a bitch I just burned myself on the fucking skillet, she laughs and says thank you. I know that I need to start watching my language around her, but it's hard to untrain my dirty mouth after 30 years of profanity. I'm pretty sure that she'll be the kid in class that teaches all the other kids the seven dirty words.

As a sidenote, in fourth grade I thought that I invented the term cocksucker. I said it all day at school, hey cocksucker, what a cocksucker, this kickball is a cocksucker. Then I came home and used it at the dinner table to a stunned reaction. My Dad asked me where I'd heard it and I said that I made it up. He informed me that I was not the inventor of the term and that I needed to look it up. I opened the dictionary and found out that cock was a male chicken. It literally meant sucking on a chicken. As a nine year old that wasn't very interesting, so I stopped using the term. That was until I saw Grandma eating some KFC in the yard and I called her a dirty cocksucker.

Playing
Playing for Maggie consists of kicking a soccer ball around the house. Sitting in her play area and messing around with every little puzzle and toy. Using the TV remote to record various programs such as Sex and the City and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Then we have her new love of emptying the entire contents out of the dishwasher, refrigerator and assorted cabinets. I was making dinner last night and I grabbed some chicken out of the fridge and left the door open. She had two rows of bottles lined up on the floor in 12 seconds. She was like Tom Cruise in Cocktail, throwing the ketchup behind her head, spinning the mustard and soy sauce at the same time. I glance over and she stops in her tracks holding the Hershey syrup, grinning like the Cheshire Cat knowing that she had found the Holy Grail of condiments.

Attitude
Finally, we get to attitude. She is selfish, needy, and demands instant gratification at all times, just like her mother. Kidding..honey I kid...you know I don't mean it, I like sex too much to actually say that and mean it. We're still on for tonight right? As if you couldn't tell from the previous stories Maggie is very full of herself, and what's worse is she knows that she runs the show.

On Monday she came up to me on the couch in full Three Stooges mode and jammed her thumb in my eye. She found it hilarious when I started screaming, so she did it again. Apparently, eye-gouging is now the game of choice at the Crawford abode. After I blocked my eyes, she moved on to give me a big ol' fish hook to the nostril. WTF? I start gagging from laughing and when I bend over she slaps me on the neck. I'm getting worked over by a toddler for Christ's sake. Based on her current resume, I think when she grows up she'll either be a wrestler, a dominatrix or a ninja.

It's time for me to change into my Hazmat suit and safety goggles, so that I can pick Maggie up from daycare. All I can say is that she'd better bring her A-game tonight, because I've been working on my sleeper hold and we are going to throw down like Cato Fong and Inspector Clouseau when we get home.