Indian Outlaw

I wanted to let everyone know that Maggie is doing well and on her way back to a full recovery. In fact, we watched the critically acclaimed, Slumdog Millionaire together the other night. Maggie just loves the Oscar winners. I always say “Mickey Mouse or Schindler’s List?”, and she goes with Spielberg over Disney every time. It’s so cute the way she whispers in my ear “The list is life”, before she goes to sleep. I smile, shake my finger at her and say “Achtung Juden”, and then we just laugh and laugh.

Anyway, I thought that Slumdog Millionaire was as good as advertised, but it also reminded me that I never want to visit India. I’m ready to start mowing people down after going to Costco on a Saturday afternoon, so it would take me about five minutes in New Delhi before I snapped and started shooting anything that smelled like curry.

I guess it’s all about the lifestyle that you become accustomed to. Once you have certain luxuries, there’s no going back. Here is a short list of things that I have become accustomed to, that I now can’t live without:

1. An iPod - Being able to access every song my heart desires with the flick on my finger is super delicious. If I want to play “Fuck Tha Police” into “Friends in Low Places” into “Don’t Fear the Reaper”, while playing Flight Control I can make that happen.

2. HD - You just can’t appreciate Barbara Walter’s camel toe or how much make-up John Madden has on during MNF, without the clarity that HD provides.

3. High-Speed, Wireless Internet – If I can’t update my Facebook status while sitting on the toilet, then life isn’t worth living.

4. The Victoria Filet at Outback – My standard order goes as follows: The nine ounce Vicky fill-it, medium, yes I know that’s a hot pink center and its money. A house salad with mustard vinaigrette and a baked potato loaded up. Let’s get it on!

5. Texting – It seems like a waste of time to dial the phone just to tell my brother-in-law that Ryan Miller is a big pussy, but with texting not only can I call insult his favorite sports teams I can also include a picture of me wiping my ass with a Buffalo Bills t-shirt. Livin’ the dream!

Finally, I’ll leave you with my random thought of the week:
I was in the grocery store last weekend and I saw an NBA coloring book. The first thing that popped into my head, was that they should sell it with four extra large black crayons and one regular size white one.

Me: Honey, what color crayon do you want to start with?
Maggie: White!
Me: Ok, but remember it only works on the guys behind the 3-point line.

Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to go put on a holocaust flick and break out the big black crayons.