In the tradition of Dennis Miller...
Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but Costco on the weekends is more aggravating than trying to play hide and seek with Helen Keller. The anger level begins to rise as soon as you get into the parking lot. You have a line of mini-vans waiting for a space and blocking the entire lane, while joe small business owner loads his vehicle with so many supplies that he looks like he's going on a UN mission to Nigeria. Finally, you get a space so far away that you need binoculars to see a store that is the size of Wembley stadium. Can I catch a shuttle to the store because I'm not really up for doing a 5K this morning?
Ok, so now you finally get to the entrance and it's complete mayhem. People are coming out in droves, you are digging through your wallet for the damn membership card that says "Yes I pay $50 a year to come in and buy shit from you." and the cart guy is pushing 9 million carts in from the parking lot in one long row that also jacks up the parking lot flow. Then as soon as you get past the ID checker the asshole in front of you stops and looks around like a tourist at Macchu Picchu. The lady to his left stops right beside him to load her 5 kids into the cart and the old guy on the right stops and stares at the plasma TV's like he's in the cockpit of the Starship Enterprise. And there you are knowing exactly where you want to go and what you want to buy and you're facing the defensive line of the 70's Steelers.
Twenty minutes into your Costco trip and you are finally into the store. You get about 10 steps in and bam you come to a grinding halt, because there is a free sample lady handing out tunafish on a cracker. People start losing their shit. OOOH I gotta have me some of that. I gotta have it so much that I'll abandon my cart in the middle of the aisle and stand there and eat this cracker. Like they've never had tunafish on a cracker before. Then they make the face, like wow that is good, what's on that again? Tunafish? Amazing! What aisle has the case of tunafish? And where can I find the crackers? Hey jagoff get your cart out of the aisle so that I can grab my 4 items and get the fuck out of this place.
I finally get back into the bakery area and what do I see? Chocolate versions of the Capitol building that are almost life size. Even Augustus from Willie Wonka couldn't finish one of these. And who buys these things? Is that really what you get your kids for Easter? Hey kids, yeah no bunny this year, no colored eggs, no Jesus rising from the dead, just a life-size version of the place where bills become laws. Oh I'm just a bill, yes only a bill and I'm sitting here on Capitol Hill.
Thirty-five minutes into the trip and I have steaks, wine and I'm making the turn to come down the home stretch to get cereal and diapers, when I see the lady serving crabcakes at the end of the frozen food aisle. Yes! Score! I am so getting hooked up. I see the tray with 4 left and only one guy in front of me. He stands there and eats one, then he eats two and I'm getting a little impatient, then he grabs the last two and takes them over to his wife. Dude? WTF? The jerk store called and said they're out of you. No way am I waiting for 100 year-old Grandma Moses to open a new package and bake a new batch. Looks like I am-a-no-getting-a-no crabcakes today.
Steaks, wine, cereal and diapers, check-check-check-check. Time to get in line, if only they had an express lane, but of course they don't. Now getting in line on a busy Saturday is like making a pit stop at the Indy 500. You dodge, you weave and finally land in a line behind someone who looks quick, but ends up being a nightmare. Her transaction goes something like this: "Honey have you seen my card? I had it when we came in? Did I leave it in the dog food aisle? Oh nevermind it was in my pocket. HAHAHA it was in my pocket. Ma'am your total is $69.73. Ok, let me write a check. Harold, what's the date? Ooops I wrote 2007 on this one. I guess I'd better write you a new one. I can't believe it's 2008 already, time sure does fly. Those crackers and tunafish were delicious, weren't they?" Hey lady, being behind you, I can attest that time certainly does not fly, in fact it almost stands still. In the time it's taken you to get through the checkout process, I could have played a game of Risk from start to finish.
Yes! I am on my way out. Only one more obstacle, the check your receipt against your cart guy. Will I get the I don't give a shit guy who looks for 2 seconds and marks your receipt or will I get the must check every item guy. Of course I get the latter and because I have Maggie with me he has to mark the receipt with a smiley face. Yo dude, I know you don't have anywhere to go, but my kid hasn't eaten in 3 hours and is about to lose it, so you can skip the smiley face.
Ok, where the hell did I park again? Oh yeah, right beside the Griswalds in Wally World lot 3 row S. After doing my second 5 K of the day I reach my car, throw the box of loose items, that always seems to weigh more than it should, into the trunk and after dodging more carts and cars we're on our way home. I look over at Amy and using my Count from Sesame Street voice I say 143 - ah-ah-ah. For whatever reason I always count the Asians I see in costco and then use my count voice. Another one of my OCD qualities, it amuses me anyway.
That about does it for my Costco rant. I'm going to take a valium, have a glass of red wine and try to bring my internal anger alert system back down to yellow.
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