Happy New Year bitches! Yes, it is New Year's day and I am awake at 7:30 AM, procreation isn't always as good as advertised. I quoted my blog a few times this week, because I am "That Guy" and my sister-in-law called me out on being a total douche. So in her honor I'd like to post my top 25 favorite lines from 2008. Yes, I am quoting my blog in my blog. Genius!
25. Unless C-section scars and ridiculously bad boob jobs are your thing, this place is about as exciting as watching Terri Schiavo get a sponge bath.
24. If only Christ would come back to earth, then we could have a reality show called Keeping up with Christ or Top Savior or the Surreal Afterlife or Disciples Reunited or Pimp my Cross or The Bachelor.
23. The one exception I have to the snake it through rule, is the morning boner piss. You have no choice but to go over the top for that one, and what god-forsaken act of mother nature bullshit is that anyway?
22. Jamie in Accounts Receivable starts doing shots of Jack Daniels, Steve in Sales, puts a gun to his head, Gary in Finance, starts screaming like Nancy Kerrigan, "Why! Why! Why!", and that creepy IT guy is balled up in the corner holding a Dell laptop and whispering "My Preciousssssssss".
21. Hey, if my kid only makes $.05 an hour to satisfy your gluttonous consumerism, then you have to build a two story entertainment center using only a bent piece of metal. Good luck fuckers!
20. The bible-thumping stay at home Mom with four home-schooled kids, will sell her soul to the devil and flail around like Richard Simmons promoting "Deal-a-Meal", when the Dewey Beach party band breaks into "Livin' on a Prayer".
19. The ground is also extremely hard, like Ron Jeremy after four Viagra's, hard. Our sleeping arrangements made Abu Ghraib look like Club Med, and by morning I was begging to have my genitals shocked, if it meant I could get an hour of sleep.
18. I can't believe that Marey Carey didn't win, because her acting on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew was in a word, molesto-rific.
17. I can't do basic algebra anymore, but if you need details on Seattle horse fuckers, I'm your man.
16. I would like to have a fake mechanical arm raise out of the coffin and wave the towel at random times during the ceremony.
15. C'mon Apple get in the game, I am a guy with small hands and small feet, so you know what that means, I need a big black iPod to feel adequate.
14. I will skip the part about killing my Dad and banging my Mom, not because I'm morally opposed to it, but because I'm really lazy.
13. I know when I celebrate I always make sure to do a lot of reaching, but not so much touching. I did some celebratory touching a few years ago and it turned into this hassle involving lawyers, community service and registering on some sort of list.
12. I'm guessing there aren't a lot of overweight, middle-aged male prostitutes out there, so maybe I can fill a niche market. Besides, who wouldn't pay top dollar to have a nice set of hairy moobs smashed into their back as they spoon before drifting off to sleep?
11. Chicks dig overweight guys drinking beer and playing trivia, right? Hey baby, not only can I pound this 32 oz Coors Light, but I also can name the highest mountain in Canada. You might as well just take those panties off right now.
10. Yeah, I ordered the sleep through the night toddler, not the puke all over everything toddler. Can you please have the Exorcist feature disabled on this kid? A technician will be out between noon and six on Monday? Perfect! While he's here can I also get the 'whining in the car' feature turned off and the 'Forever Daddy's Girl' upgrade installed?"
9. I was going to add merry to that sentence because it completes the phrase, but I'm not sure I've ever truly been merry. I've been excited, I've been happy, I've been fucking over the moon after a couple vicodin and some wine, but I don't think I've ever described myself as merry and I'm ok with that.
8. Tomorrow is 70's day at the office (don't ask) does this mean I can go in stoned and listen to Pink Floyd all day?
7. It was like we were all channeling our inner Asian. As soon as I got that paddle in my hand I started craving sushi and my penis began shrinking. Hmmmm, now I know why Amy asked me to drink some Kool-Aid play some basketball before we went to bed.
6. Wow, this paragraph took an unexpected turn at sweet daughterville and headed straight down Felony Lane into DNA Sample Township. Maybe we better move on.
5. Maggie you're 18 months old, I’m pretty sure all of your homies are doing just fine. Besides, it’s kind of hard to do a drive-by while being pulled in a Radio Flyer wagon.
4. Listen kid, I’m Maggie’s Dad, not Ryan’s, but if you see Ryan’s Mom and she’s a total MILF, then let me know and I’ll be happy to play the part of Ryan’s Dad.”
3. Which begs the question would you rather have cystic fibrosis or a nail through your penis? After watching this film, I’d take the nail. CF is a mother fucker, not that a nail in your junk isn’t, but that shit will heal, CF is permanent.
2. I want to punch Peyton Manning in the face with a cobra, then give his Mom a Dirty Sanchez, while his brother pisses all over the UT flag.
1. Lady, your business suit screams uber-bitch power broker, but your camel toe just says ewwww.
It was a big enough chore going through my old posts to grab these quotes, so I am going to skip puting them in any kind of order. This process just made me hate myself even more. If you need me for anything I'll be in the bathroom cutting myself.
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