Hospital Beds

I find myself with a little free time on my hands this week because my little one either swallowed a golf ball or has a thyroglossal duct cyst. I'm leaning towards the golf ball, but the docs think otherwise. So, Amy and I are trapped in a 10x10 box with a toddler on a string for three to five days, while we wait for the antibiotics to do their thing. We look like roadies trying to keep Pete Townshends guitar chord from getting wrapped up as she runs circles around the room.

IV Installation:

This was by far the worst part of the hospital visit. I have buried veins, so being an intravenous drug addict was never an option for me. Sigh. Apparently, Maggie has my veins, plus a nice layer of toddler chub, so getting the stick in place was a rough go. The physical part is one thing, but when your kid looks at you like "Daddy and Mummy protect me" and we're the ones holding her down while she gets the needle dug in, it's tough. The solace is that she won't remember shit when she gets older, and I will deny the whole thing.

Maggie: Daddy did I ever swallow a golf ball?"

Me: No, but if you want a good ball swallowing story let me tell you about this one time in college.

Maggie: Daddy I'm only six

Me: Yeah, well a good teabag story is really ageless don't you think

Amy: Erik go to the naughty chair!

Cribs:

Hello, welcome to our crib for the next few days. Here we have Maggies flat screen TV, DVD and PS3. Holla! She is big pimpin' with her bed over here. It has four large sides so if she wants to have a steel cage match with the sick kid next door she has the arena all set up. "Remember protect your throat, then when he looks left rip out his IV and punch him in the dick." Let me tell you my wife is one hell of a corner man.

If you look to the right that is where they weigh Maggie's diapers. As a joke I may have to drop a bomb into one of them just to impress the nurses. "Betty get over here and look at the anaconda this kid just dropped". I call it operation shock and awe.

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Over here we have the couch / double bed from hell. It's hard as a rock and when the sheet slides you stick to the surface below like a fruit roll up. In the morning, not only does your back look like Lombard Street but you have that red glow from getting the first few layers of epidermis ripped off of you. Luckily, the ER is just a short walk away. "Ah Mr. Crawford I see you spent the night in our new Pediatric ward."

Now, here we have the parents flat screen. Ahhhh yeah, hells to the yes! WTF? No HD? You can't roll like a big dog without HD, and that's no lie. Finally we have wi-fi. Porn is readily available and I have a sponge bath lined up in a few hours, so Daddy is a happy camper. I just hope the Friday night nurse is muh-nay, or else I will be scarred for life. "Grandma put down the sponge and step away from my genitals!"

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That about wraps up the tour of our digs for the next few days. We just have to watch Maggie closely, hope the infection clears up and then get through the surgery. Now if you'll excuse me I need to referee the next UFKC (Ultimate Fighting Kid Championship) Maggie "The Dick Puncher" Crawford Vs. Gary "The Feces Throwing" Malloy. Touch binky's and come out fighting!