1. My ability to play pool is directly related to the amount of alcohol in my system.
Sober = Average skill level. I win some, I lose some. I play methodical and calculated.
Buzzed = I become Paul Newman in “The Color of Money”. Everything I hit finds a pocket. Combos, bank shots, behind the back, jumping balls all become routine shots.
Hammered = I become a 12 year old girl with no concept of the game. I take impossible shots with reckless abandon. I become more interested in playing air guitar with my pool cue than making an attempt to sink a ball. I increasingly use monkey dust and distraction techniques to keep my opponents from making shots. The filter between my brain and my mouth disappears and I become an inappropriate chatter box.
2. The Steelers lack of an offensive line will cost them in the playoffs
3. I am not a 70-year-old woman, so I need to find a better breakfast than peanut-butter crackers and tea.
4. My daughter has begun her journey to accidental funny land. When we read her Blues Clues book she calls the main character ‘Steve’ a bitch. I don’t think she can pronounce his name and calling him a bitch isn’t even close, but it is accurate.
Me: Say buh-bye Steve
Moo: Buh-Bye Bitch!
5. No matter how many times I try I will never be able to fold a fitted sheet. Luckily, I am married to a woman with professional folding skills or else there would just be several large balls of cloth in the bottom of my linen closet.
6. I haven’t seen a single Oscar worthy film all year.
7. Trying to squeeze my truck into a small parking space to avoid walking in the rain wasn’t worth scraping it against a brick wall. Bitter!
8. As of next month, the odds of Moo having a sibling are slim and none and I think you know who just left town. Give it up for one and done! (And no I’m not getting snipped…yet.)
9. My daughter’s journey to accidental funny land continued when she looked at my Playboy and shouted Elmo! I said to her “Moo, if those were eyes I would’ve gotten into a lot less trouble over the years.”
10. Live x-mas trees drink a lot of fucking water!
11. I think I might take some pictures of my brother and his family driving my SUV and drinking from plastic bottles when they visit this week. Then I’ll post them on his Scream 2B Green blog calling him a hypocrite and a disgrace to the Green movement. It would be a dick move, but funny nonetheless.
12. Golden Oreos are the bees knees.
13. I love getting gift cards for x-mas, but I find it nearly impossible to keep track of the amount when I only use a portion of the balance. They need to add a button on them that will give you the remaining balance. (Computerized Voice) “You have ten dollars and fifty-one cents left on your PF Chang’s gift card. I’d go with the lettuce wraps if I were you.” Thanks, gift card!
14. My wife is a much nicer person than I’ll ever be. I know, total shocker on this one. She does things for other people that I wouldn’t even do for myself, and that’s saying a lot.
15. I used to fear going to movies, concerts and dining alone, but as I get older I’m starting to prefer it. No compromises, no judgments and no bullshit small talk. God, I sound like an old curmudgeon, maybe I need to lay off reading so much Bukowski.
16. You can’t be king of the world if you’re slave to the grind, and it’s starting to look like my future status as king of the world is in serious jeopardy.
17. I have a new sales pitch for the old SNL skit “Bad Idea” Jeans: I think that the American public will buy Tom Cruise as a Nazi. Bad Idea. To make it even more authentic we’ll give him an eye patch. Bad Idea. There really haven’t been enough movies made about WWII, this is really going to fill a niche in the market. Bad Idea.
18. From what I just saw on Blues Clues I'm pretty sure I'd hate Ramadan. You fast from sunrise to sunset and then at the end you gets dates and milk. Great holiday. You don't eat anything and then you basically take a natural diuretic. I think I'll stick with presents, cookies and alcohol. Feliz Navidad!
19. It's so cold out that I woke up with my testicles in my neck. That can't be a good thing.
That wraps up this edition of the Things I Think I Know. I hope you all have a great holiday season, and if I can get out of the food and alcohol coma for a few minutes I'll try and get in one more post before 2009.
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