Well, well, well, if it isn’t 2009. It’s been a year since we’ve been getting together in this little forum, and I’d like to thank those of you who were brave enough to stick around. After working through my astrological charts and consulting the old magic 8-ball, I have compiled my top 10 predictions and goals for 2009. As a special bonus I’ve included my death poll and death poll wish lists as well.
Personal Predictions and Goals:
1. On February 2nd I will get out of the shower and not see my feet, signifying 11 more months of gluttony.
2. Amy and my right hand will both file for restraining orders after I try Viagra for the first time
3. My adult website “Dora the Back Door Explorer” finally reaches the million hits mark. “Lookout Boots here comes Dirty Sanchez! Coma mi coulo! That’s Spanish for ‘eat my ass’ boys and girls.” Hopefully, my new site Thomas the Spank Engine will do just as well by 2010.
4. Maggie’s college fund will either be doubled or gone after I bet it all on ‘Black’ during a drunken escapade in the Dominican Republic.
5. I will get breast cancer and have both of my moobs removed. Even though I am now a survivor, I still won’t be motivated enough to throw on a pink shirt and walk anywhere at 7:00 AM on a Saturday.
6. I will break my personal distance record of 4’ 2” by pissing from the hallway into the toilet and hitting nothing but water. Swish!
7. I will do for Outback what Jared did for Subway. “Look I lost 50 pounds after eating nothing but 9 oz. Victoria Filets for 6 months straight. Sure, my sodium and cholesterol levels are off the charts, but damn I look good!”
8. After six months of training I will complete my first 1K race. The runners high I get at the .75K mark will be enough to carry to the finish in a time of 12 minutes 38 seconds.
9. After my adult website is sued for copyright infringement, my brother and I start a new site featuring handicapped porn stars called “Downs and Dirty”. For only $5.99 a month you can check out former Chinese Special Olympic bronze medalist Wi Ta Dud in the buff.
10. I officially offend the last reader of this blog and the only people who visit this site are Germans who search for “Stoned Norwegian midgets who taser their nipples” and mistakenly end up here.
Death Poll (Celebrities I think will kick the bucket in 2009)
1. Magic Johnson (Dies after a blood bank truck rear ends him)
2. Jeff Conoway (Dies after Dr. Drew ‘accidentally’ gives him an overdose to make him shut the fuck up)
3. Mick Mars (Dies after he collapses under the weight of his Les Paul)
4. Queen Elizabeth II (Dies on the toilet AkA the throne. How ironic. Don’t you think?)
5. Jim J. Bullock (Dies of obscurity)
6. Bob Eucker (Dies after getting hit in the temple with a fast ball during an old timers game. Unfortunately, it wasn’t just a bit outside.)
7. Elizabeth Taylor (Dies after an allergic reaction to mascara sends her into a seizure)
8. Dick Cheney (Dies after the devil collects on the deal he made in 2000)
9. Todd Bridges (Dies after brandishing a .45 and telling the police “This is what Willis is talking about!” before he commits suicide by cop)
10. Patrick Swayze (Loses his battle with cancer, but is survived by a wife of 31 years and his hair, which will never die)
Death Poll Wish List (Celebrities I wish would kick the bucket in 2009)
1. Kathy Lee Gifford
2. Paula Abdul
3. Hulk Hogan
4. Bill O’Reilly
5. Celine Dion
6. Little Richard
7. Steven A. Smith
8. Kate from Jon and Kate Plus 8
9. Miley Cyrus (It’s Miley!)
10. The entire current and former cast members of The Hills
There you have it. My predictions, goals and death lists for 2009. Hopefully, in 2010 I can become the first male breast cancer survivor to eat three Victoria Filets and break the 12 minute mile in the same day. Yeah, I know I’m a dreamer.
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