It's Just a Fantasy

If you have a vagina or a life you can skip this post, as it will contain fantasy football and gambling content. However, if you are big on schadenfreude, then you might want to stick around to enjoy my Sunday debacle. Rant time bitches!

There are a few situations in fantasy football that will make you crazy.
1. You drop someone, who then goes on to have a big game for another team
2. You start someone who is a game time decision and they end up not playing
3. You start someone who gets hurt before they can produce
4. You play the best team in the league and your top players are on a bye

Then you have my fuck up from yesterday, benching players who have outstanding games. I know what you’re thinking; “hey we’ve all benched players that have big games”. But did you bench players from the team that you follow religiously? I’ve only missed three Steelers games since 1994, so I probably should have some insight into my team. Right? Au contraire, I decided to bench Hines Ward and Ben Roethlisberger in favor of Matt ‘I put the ass in’ Cassel and Eddie ‘oooh I have a sprained ankle’ Royal. Of course both Ben and Hines had great games, and to compound my ass raping sans reach around, I lost my fantasy game by less than 6 points. Bitter! ---

For all of you ladies who stuck around, let me try and put this in your terms. Say you love Steve Madden shoes, you wear them everyday, you brag about them to your friends and you constantly show them off to your disinterested significant other while he’s watching Family Guy. Then you walk into Nordstrom and for whatever reason you are wearing your fuck-me, knee-high, Marc Jacob’s boots, when an employee says for the next five minutes we are giving away $500 gift cards to anyone wearing Steve Madden pumps. Bitter!

So that was my fantasy football hall of shame moment. Now, let’s talk about these fucking no talent, ass clowns known as the Colts and Broncos. Last week Mr. Bruce introduced me to the wonderful world of online gambling. I know, bad idea, but I love football and I love gambling, so if you put the two together I am like a pig in shit. I decide to pick three games that look like a lock: Indy giving 4.5 to Houston, Chicago giving 3.5 to Detroit and Denver giving 4.5 to Tampa.

The Bears did what they were supposed to do, so they can leave this conversation. The Colts, who are supposed to be an elite team in the AFC, started strong but then choked on Rosenfels dick for most of the day, before he gave them the game in the fourth quarter. Coming off a bye week, in a game they really needed to win, against a team that for all intensive purposes lost to the Steelers by five touchdowns in week one, the lowly Colts had lady luck give them a gift and then they fail to cover. I want to punch Peyton Manning in the face with a cobra, then give his Mom a Dirty Sanchez, while his brother pisses all over the UT flag.

Ok, now let’s turn our attention to the defensively challenged Broncos, playing at home against the Bucs. You are up by 10 points with 2:08 left and you give up the touchdown that let’s them beat the spread. You couldn’t hold out for 128 seconds more to hook me with some coin? Hey Shanahan, maybe you should spend less time in the tanning booth and more time working on your prevent defense. I know that you and your giant capped teeth enjoyed a big juicy steak at Del Friscos after the game, while I had to eat PB&J because those sorry ass, scrotum-kissing, rim-jobbers you call a defense couldn’t be bothered to actually stop someone from scoring.

So week 5 in the NFL was a disaster for me, I guess I’d better go fountain diving for some change to bet on next week’s games. Has anyone seen my Steve Madden pumps?