Doctor Doctor Give Me the News

Over the years I’ve taken minor ailments and thought the absolute worst, so Amy is convinced that I have hypochondriacal tendencies. I don’t think that hypochondriacal is an actual word, but the hypochondriacal tendencies would be a kick ass name for a Jewish punk band. “Did you hear that Marc Goldstein got the Hypochondriacal Tendencies to play his bar mitzvah last weekend? They did a great cover of the Thompson Twins Doctor Doctor”.

This post came about because I was feeling completely exhausted yesterday. I could have closed my eyes and fallen asleep at any point. By the time Amy came home from work, I was convinced that I had a full blown case of chronic fatigue syndrome. However, I feel better today, so I must have had TNSCBSFF24HS. (The not so chronic but still fatigued for 24 hours syndrome) Not only do I self-diagnose my own maladies, but I also project my worse case scenario medical expertise onto my daughter. She had a cough for a few months and Amy thought it was asthma or allergies, but I was convinced it was Cystic Fibrosis.

As a side note, if you want to see a really fucked up documentary check out Sick. It’s about this guy with cystic fibrosis who is a crazy ass masochist. He would cough up jars of phlegm everyday, and then for kicks he'd take a hammer and put a nail through his dick. Which begs the question would you rather have CF or a nail through your penis? After watching this film, I’d take the nail. CF is a mother fucker, not that a nail in your junk isn’t, but that shit will heal, CF is permanent. Sorry I got a little side tracked there. My dreamed up fatal illnesses aside, here is a look at my actual doctor approved injuries over the years.

There you have it, my medical history, both real and imaginary. I think I'd better go call in sick, because I'm pretty sure I feel a nasty case of the plague coming on.