It Was a Graveyard Smash

Halloween bitches! Some people love it, some people hate it, I fall somewhere in between. As a kid, of course I loved it. Dumping out my pillow case full of candy and as always there was the one old crazy lady who would give you fruit. "Hey lady, thanks for the orange, it's just what I needed to cure my bad case of scurvy." There was also the house that gave out change. Really? Change? As a sugar-craving six year old, I want to thank you for the 35 cents in nickels and pennies that you just dumped into my bag. Fucker!

After sorting through the citrus and dimes, it was time to start sorting the good stuff. The candy that your parents would steal after you went to bed. Snickers, Reese's cups, Nestle Crunch, Hershey Bars, Milky Way, Three Musketeers, Twix, Kit-Kat, Pop Rocks, M&M's and Butterfingers. These were the top tier candies. Then you'd get to the second level, Tootsie Rolls, Sugar Daddy's, Clark bars, Skor, Peppermint Patties, Now and Laters, Lemonheads, Skittles and Starburst. Finally, you'd hit the bottom of the barrel, Mounds, Popcorn Balls, Oh Henry, Laffy Taffy, Charleston Chews, lollipops and Bit-O-Honeys. With your loot laid out in front of you, it was time to start trading. "I'll give you two packs of Bottlecaps and these fancy wax lips for a Snickers and a pack of candy cigarettes." Done.

In my teens, Halloween became less about treating and more about tricking. Growing up next to a corn field, the big thing was to take pillow cases full of corn and dump it all over someones porch or car. So two weeks prior to Halloween I would wear the top layers of skin off my thumbs shucking kernels of corn into a case. Then, Halloween night would come and I'd throw my two weeks of work onto someone's porch and run. Kind of weak looking back on it now.

In my twenties Halloween was all about the parties. There's nothing more dignified then getting hammered, while dressed up as a chick. Walking in heals is a bitch when you are sober, after a dozen beers, I stumbled around like I had two broken knees. I looked like a white trash tranny with lopsided fake tits and smeared lipstick. I don't know how you ladies do it everyday. One night dressed as a chick was more than enough for me. The make-up, the clothes, the shoes, it's all an exercise in masochism if you ask me. I did have some sweet tits though.

Now that I am in my thirties, Halloween is all about the Moo. I've traded my costumes for a lawn chair and cooler full of alcohol. The wife parades the little one around the neighborhood, and I get to sit back, relax and wait for the candy to come to me. I am officially a Halloween pimp. "What, this is all you got for me? Bitch, get back out there and don't come home until you have at least a dozen Take Fives! Before you go grab me another 40 out of the cooler.".

This is totally unrelated, but I laugh everytime I think about it. Here are Amy's quotes of the week:

“It took me like four minutes to realize that I was stuck in the middle of an instrumental Rush song, why is that even on my iPod?” - Amy Crawford 10/29/08

"Your company is bringing in burgers, just for the guys, and then you are getting mystery envelopes? Do you work on some sort of sexist game show?" - Amy Crawford 10/30/08