Ronald WTF?

I was at Whole Foods yesterday getting a sprout salad with fat free dressing and some whole grain bread, then, I realized that my balls were actually attached and I headed over to McDonalds. After I finished my meal I got up to get an apple pie, because apparently a 900 calorie lunch wasn’t enough for me, and this is how the interaction transpired:

Me: I’ll have an apple pie
Clerk: That will be $1.07
Me: No, I just want the one pie
Clerk: That will be $1.07
Me: How much are two pies?
Clerk: $1.07
Me: So I can get one pie for $1.07 or two pies for $1.07?
Clerk: Yes sir.
Me: How much is a cheeseburger?
Clerk: 99 cents
Me: How much is a double cheeseburger?
Clerk: $1
Me: What color is the sky in the world where your pricing department works?
Clerk: Excuse me?
Me: Nevermind, cancel the order bucko!

There is some stupid shit out there that I just don’t get, and while I’m on the subject of bashing Mickey D’s, whatever happened to the two cheeseburger value meal? That was my go-to order, and then one day it was just gone to make more room on the board to promote some slab of sweaty ass crack like the McRib. Don’t even get me started on those new chicken sandwiches and biscuits that they stole from Chik-Fil-A right down to the goddamn pickle? Your marketing team must have worked overtime to come up with that one.

You know what else chaps my ass? The soda deals at the grocery store. Yesterday at Safeway there’s this big sign, ‘Buy Two 12-packs and get Two Free’. I like soda as much as the next guy, but I don’t really need two cases of the stuff. Look, I get it, you want me to spend more money and take more product off of your hands, but I have a kid, and carrying four 12-packs and a 19 month old into the house is like one of those strong man events on ESPN at 2:00 in the morning. “Do you need some help out to your car sir?” No, but I’d love some help getting all this fucking pop into my house. Can I borrow slow-Charlie from register 6 for an hour?

While I’m ranting about food, let’s turn our attention to restaurants. You know what I want? Smaller portions at smaller prices. I’m looking at you Cheesecake factory. I don’t need a sandwich the size of a drunken midget for $19. How about just offering me something the size of a drunken midget’s hand for $5? Hey, you, Five Guys hiding in the corner over there, what’s up with the mountain of fries you dole out with every order? I don’t need a bag full of grease for $4, how about just a handful for $1.50, or maybe you just let me just lick one for a nickel?

I think we have a new record for most sarcastic questions asked in a single post. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to schedule 3 Guys and a Truck to come help me carry in my leftovers from the Maggianos.