Hillary Clinton Gear
When I think of gifts for teenage guys the first thing that comes to mind is Hillary Clinton schwag. As a teenager, nothing impresses the ladies more than having a life-size cardboard cutout of the New York senator in your room. I just hope that the new 2009 Nancy Pelosi comes out soon, so that my teenage gift recipient can live out his ‘Democrats Gone Wild’ fantasies.
Elvis Presley Christmas Duets
I’m pretty sure that even teenage guys in the 50’s were like fuck the Elvis Christmas Duets album, buy me some Jerry lee Lewis. If you want your teenage son to think you are the most out of touch Mom in the world, then by all means order this via rush delivery. While you’re at it, pick up the Barbara Streisand Hanukkah duets CD and make it his best Holiday season ever! “Dude, Jay Z sucks ass, check out this version of 'O' Come, All Ye Faithful'. When Olivia Newton-John and Presley are singing 'O' Come' with everything they have, it just doesn’t get any better than that.”
Instant Incognito Sunglasses
These are the epitome of cool, although, the pain in the ass Mormon girl in this photo-shoot didn’t adhere to the script. The correct way to wear these glasses is on the beach with your tongue sticking out, and an expression on your face that screams “DUDE! I’m totally incognito!”. Maybe she was ok with being incognito, but found the tongue wag a bit too risqué for the LDS. You know these glasses will start a streaking epidemic in high schools across the country. “Johnny, there is no way they can identify you, if you are wearing these bad boys”.
Paint Your Own Lantern
When I was a teenager I’d seen some other guys at school painting their own lanterns, and even though I knew it was the gateway craft to scrapbooking, I wanted in. I wanted that feeling of rebellion and belonging to a group who didn’t care about how society viewed them. Hook rugs and paint by numbers were ok in middle school, but now that I was in high school I was ready for something edgier. I met the guys behind the bleachers after 3rd period and scored my first lantern. I painted that bitch, and the craft high I got was something I’d never felt before. I was free, I was an outlaw, I was a lantern painter and I was hooked. Everything was great until my Dad caught me painting a lantern in the garage. We got in a big fight and I jumped on my bike and headed straight for Michaels. If he thought that painting lanterns was bad, I was going to show him. I bought a scrapbook, and never looked back.
Rock n’ Country Rebel Teddy Bear
Yes, you heard me right, Rock n’ Country Rebel Teddy Bear. I mean, a Rock n’ Country Teddy Bear would have been sufficient, but throw in the ‘rebel’ part and I’m sold. This James Dean of the hard ass stuffed animal world totally means business. He even has a heart tattoo on his left arm so you know he’s a bad motherfucker. They should have called him the Rock n’ Country Rebel Bad Motherfucker Teddy Bear. The only way this bear could be more awesome is if he had a pair of Instant Incognito Sunglasses.
My sarcasm runneth over today, but it just amuses me that someone invents this stuff, then gets the money to mass produce it. They hire a bunch of kids in China, who are probably saying to each other in Chinese "I don't have enough money to eat tonight, but some stupid ass American will spend the equivalent of my yearly salary on this shit?". Then someone else pitches advertising for it and finally some douche bag buys it. Capitalism Rules!
One last thing, I just had douche bag as one word and I got the dreaded red underline indicating a misspelled word. I figured it wouldn’t recognize it because of the nature of the word, but no, it just wanted to let me know that douche bag is indeed two words. Thanks Microsoft!
1 comment:
Recycled. Ok, so I'm probably the only dork who has no more sites to read than yours and facebook but still.
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