Father Knows Best

Ok, so I am going to be a single Dad for the next three days, but the thought of hanging out with my daughter this week brings up one of my biggest pet peeves, the portrayal of men in society as completely incompetent when it comes to anything dealing with kids or the home. Well kiddies, fasten your seatbelts and keep your hands inside the ride at all times, because it’s time for a rant!

Nobody has ever said to me “Hey Erik you’re headed out of town for a few days, who is going to watch your kid?” No, they assume that my wife will be handling the situation. But my wife goes out of town and the first thing people ask is “So, who are you going to get to watch your daughter?” Like my wife’s going to say “You know, it would be nice if my husband could handle it, but since he’s borderline retarded, we’ll probably have to bring in someone more qualified.” Qualified, meaning someone with a vagina.

I’m sure there were movies before Mr. Mom that made men look like complete fuck-ups, but I’m placing my blame squarely at the feet of Michael Keaton, Teri Garr and the rest of the people who worked on that farce. Since this movie was popular, we now get to see it made over and over and over again. The basic plot is that a man is somehow put in charge of the kids and the house either through a layoff, a divorce, a sudden death or unknown paternity. See Three Men and a Baby, Daddy Daycare, and any family sitcom that has aired over the past 30 years. The new Dads then proceed to use unconventional means to handle everyday chores like cooking and cleaning. Oh let the hilarity ensue.

So today I am here to stand up and say it is time to put an end to this stereotype. It is no longer socially acceptable to show blacks eating fried chicken, slurping on watermelon, dealing drugs and slapping fat white chicks around with their giant cocks. It is not cool to show Asians doing Calculus, playing the violin, mispronouncing their L’s and R’s or driving like the others cars on the road are imaginary. You can’t show Mexicans getting drunk, crossing busy highways in packs of five or more and hanging out at the 7-11 all day. So why is it still acceptable to show fathers dusting with leaf blowers, burning a simple dinner or completely unable to figure out the diaper changing process?

All of you competent fathers out there stand up and unite! Let it be known that we can separate the colors from the whites (I’m talking about laundry here), we can properly wash a dish and vacuuming is not outside of our skill set. (This is where the slow clap starts to build to a crescendo) Can you smell what the Craw is cooking? That’s right, its chicken parmagian bitches and its going to be fucking Matchbox 20 money!
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