Rocky Mountain High, Colorado

I spent the last two days back in the land of mountain lovers and micro-brew drinkers. The flight out was peaceful enough as the guy next to me slept the entire way, but after we landed he became a total wanker. (I know I'm not British, but I have a fondness for their insults) He was on the phone trying to make some business calls, when the flight attendant was giving out baggage claim information . He started off with the ever so lovely "shut up bitch". Then, he talked some more trying to let everyone around him know how important he was, then again he spouted "Hold on, this bitch loves to here herself talk. Shut up BITCH!". Really dude? Congratulations, you get the douche of the day award. Well done.
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Ahhh, clear blue skies, no humidity, Rockies on my left, windows down, tunes up, it's good to be back out West after a four year sabbatical. I hook up for lunch with an old friend, and then we end up at Target as she needs to pick up a gift for her daughter's friend. We are in the store for two minutes when we are asked if we need any help, and I stop in my tracks because the worker spoke perfect english without an accent. I looked around and I suddenly remembered how shockingly white Colorado is, not a minority in sight. If the United States were a Thanksgiving dinner, then Colorado would be the mashed potatoes sans gravy.

After a quick dinner I headed down to meet the old gang for some trivia. We used to play every Tuesday night at Bostons, and we decided to get the band back together for a reunion game. I know it sounds incredibly geeky, but it's a good excuse to drink on a weeknight while imposing your useless knowledge prowess on strangers. Besides, chicks dig overweight guys drinking beer and playing trivia, right? Hey baby, not only can I pound this 32 oz Coors Light, but I also can name the highest mountain in Canada. You might as well just take those panties off right now.

So I am the first one there, I grab a seat, the waitress comes over and holy fucking shit, it's the same waitress that used to serve us 4 years ago. Are you kidding me? And it's not like she is some old lady at a dive that has worked there for 50 years. I know I shouldn't judge, but c'mon at least move up the waitressing ladder from a sports bar to a nicer restaurant like Applebees. Shannon if you somehow find this blog, and assuming you can read, I know you can do better.

My second and last night in Colorado is spent at the Platte, a bar with a huge deck that faces the foothills. Live music, perfect weather, and more of the old gang join me for some beers. The altitude kind of messed with me on day one, so I spent a good portion of the night with my skirt on, drinking water. As I walked out to the truck, I realized that I just spent two nights in Colorado bars and I walked out stone cold sober both nights. I immediately called my AA sponsor and received my two-day sobriety chip. Unfortunately, this episode of intervention will end with the following:

After three days of sober living, Erik relapsed and lost his chip. A concert at Wolf Trap was too much temptation. He is still living at home and continues to drink regularly. (Queue outro music) If you or a loved one is facing addiction please visit http://www.fuckedupbastard.com/

Time to head back East and I board the plane only to realize that the lady sitting in my aisle is so huge that she can't get out of her seat to let me get into the window. I'm not exactly Calista Flockhart, but at least I don't need the jaws of life to get out of an airplane seat. I settle in, and of course the guy in front of me immediately leans his seat back. His head is basically in my lap and I feel like the shampoo girl at Super Cuts for the entire flight. So I have Jabba the Hut on the aisle, Mr. Miyagi next to me and Joe recliner in front of me, here is what my row looked like:

So that was my week in review. In a previous post I quoted Animal House "Fat, Drunk and stupid is no way to go through life" This week I felt thin, sober and smart, and honestly I'd have to say that Dean Wormer is a fucking liar, fat, drunk and stupid is the way to go through life. (Queue the NBC "More You Know" music and graphics)