Oooooh That Smell

I smell large, muscle-bulging millionaires sweating in the August sun, either I'm in a Perez Hilton dream sequence or it's football season! Time to rummage through the Steelers boxes out in the garage, and break out the lucky charms for the next six months.

• Flag-check
• Hat-check
• Joe Greene Jersey-check
• Black-n-Gold nipple clamps-check
• Magnet for office-check
• Terrible towel for office-check
• Terrible towel for home-check
• Terrible towel for Maggie-check
• Back-up Terrible towel-check
• Wind chimes-check
• Cleveland Browns toilet paper-check
• "I'd like to add the sports package to my subscription" - check!

The NFL pre-season is officially underway and I head off to bed with visions of Willie Parker TD runs dancing in my head. It's around 11:30 PM and I've just faded into the deep abyss of the netherworld, when I get the call: "Erik, I'm going to need your help in here". I stumble out of bed and disorientedly walk down the hall, when I smell the regurgitated stomach contents of my daughter's dinner. I turn the corner to find my nuclear family covered in partially chewed chicken and squash. Like a well-trained field medic, I spring into action setting up a make-shift triage unit. Get a wash cloth in here stat! I change the bedding, grab a sippy-cup filled with 200 CC's of water, and head back to the scene of the crime. C'mon people work with me I asked for that wash cloth stat, if you can't follow orders, my girls are going to smell like bile for days. My imaginary assistants finally come through and the incident is cleaned up faster than a spill on a Bounty paper towel commercial.

Fifteen minutes later I am dreaming of Hines Ward end zone celebrations, when the alarm bell rings again, and the process is repeated. After this double dose of vomit, I immediately got on the phone with Reston Hospital and voiced my concerns. "Hello, customer service? Yeah, I ordered the sleep through the night toddler, not the puke all over everything toddler. Can you please have the Exorcist feature disabled on this kid? A technician will be out between noon and six on Monday? Perfect! While he's here can I also get the 'whining in the car' feature turned off and the 'Forever Daddy's Girl' upgrade installed?"

The technician did a great job, here are the before and after photos.









Now that my Stepford child has been re-programmed, I can get back to unpacking my Steelers gear for the coming season.