Goddamn Right, It's A Beautiful Day

When you list the top ten best days in your life, you think of your kids being born, your wedding day, losing your virginity, participating in a Mexican donkey show and then if you’re a true sports fan you have to go with seeing your team win a Super Bowl in person. Then you throw in the longest play for a touchdown in super bowl history, a 4th quarter comeback to win with 35 seconds left, having front row seats to a domestic dispute, seeing a prostitute riding a dude and all you can eat pancakes and last Sunday easily ranks in my top 5 of all time.

We left for the stadium around 10:00 AM, parked, and then walked to this party that my brother found online. There are a bunch of homes a couple blocks from the stadium where people tailgate for Bucs games. For $30 approximately 300 Steelers fans packed this guy’s yard for an all you can eat and drink festivity. The rest of the neighborhood also had such gatherings, so Heinz field south was in full swing. With a Yuengling in one hand and a hot dog in the other, I sat back, got some sun, and enjoyed the constant parade of black-n-gold.
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Around 4:00 PM we headed to the stadium. I expected a full blown cavity search on the way in, and I have to admit I was a bit disappointed when the extent of security was a quick pat down and walking through a metal detector. In retrospect, hiding that dead cardinal in my ass as a surprise for security wasn’t the best idea. I don’t know if you’ve ever shit feathers before, but it isn’t a pretty site.

As soon as we sat down, the Jerry Springer Show got into full swing. This chick right behind me was berating her significant other with a series of profanity that would have made Chris Rock blush. “I can’t believe you fucking disrespected me like that. You are such a fucking asshole. Believe me I’ve fucked younger guys than you and they were all much better. You are the worst lay I’ve ever had. Oh Big Ben looks good in those shorts, I’m definitely going to fuck him. There goes Willie Parker, he can pound me anytime he wants. I can’t wait to go out and fuck all these guys. We’ll see how you like it, you fucking dickhead.” I’m just sitting there trying to watch the players warm up and enjoy a great day and I have an episode of Cops going on behind me. After fifteen minutes of listening to this chick go all ‘Oh no he di’int” on her man, we headed down to the lower levels to get some pictures.

A half an hour later we returned to our seats and the tirade continued. “I don’t need you. You ain’t nothing but a worthless piece of shit. Get the fuck away from me.” The debate started in my head, do I say something or just let it play out. She is starting to ruin my super bowl vibe, but getting involved will only turn her masterful use of the English language onto me. Eventually, her drunken rant began to subside and then it mysteriously disappeared altogether. Confused by the silence I turn around to see her mouth raping her emasculated partner. Awwwwwkward. I’ll bet it will be an awesome Thanksgiving in their house when they announce that he IS father of her super bowl baby.

The game was ridiculous, Bruce Springsteen was great, and the dude who yelled at the Cardinals cheerleaders “We don’t need cheerleaders, our broads are in the stands” was entertaining. Later he was even prophetic when he said to his 8 year old son before the final drive “Pay attention kid, this is where legends are born”.

After the game we headed to the IHOP for some celebratory pancakes. Walking home we passed this car with its dome light on. As we closer we got a nice eyeful of a tan, robust ass on top of this random dude. Really? Parking on a well lit street. Really? Leaving the dome light on in your car. Really? Banging a prostitute at 1:00 AM on a Monday morning. Really? Uncle Wayne is that you? It wasn’t, but we resisted our urge to start shaking the car and rolled on back to the crib.

The perfect day was now in the books.