Life's Been Good to Me So Far

So my beloved wife introduced me to this website called Fuck My Life, where people post embarrassing or stupid shit that happens to them and they end their posts with FML (Fuck My Life). Instead of posting over there and adding to the misery, I decided to post my most recent Top 10 FML’s here for you to enjoy.

10. I was at lunch with the girls on my team and one of them asked what I did before I started working at my current gig. Without batting an eye, I said I worked at Chippendales. She then referenced the Chris Farley SNL skit. WTF? Has she not seen my Patrick Swayze hair? He was in that skit too, but she immediately went for the girth reference. Weak. FML

9. I’ve been debating which is the bigger chore; taking my shirts to the dry cleaners, paying and picking them up, or just breaking out the iron. Neither option is very appealing. If one of my dress shirts gets wrinkled I usually take it out of the rotation and then it takes an act of God to get it back in. I have a heavyset Mexican dude who comes and cleans my house every month, I wonder if he knows an elderly Asian lady who wouldn’t mind coming over and ironing my shirts. Could I be anymore lazy? FML

8. I had pasta with meat sauce for dinner tonight. That’s it, just spaghetti, Prego, onions and ground beef. Doesn’t look like I’ll be winning the Quick Fire challenge on Top Chef. I get stuck in these dinner ruts where I end up making the same shit over and over. The “What’s for dinner?” conversation is beyond old at this point. Maybe I should start going the anorexic route, those skinny assholes never have to ask “What’s for dinner?”. FML

7. It has officially begun. I was driving home and this long ass light near my house changed to red on me and I muttered “Oh shit”. Then, a little voice from the backseat echoed my sentiments with a soft but intelligible “Oh shit”. I guess it is finally time for me to clean up my language. At least she can’t read yet, so I may need to use this forum to get my profanity fix. FML

6. My work blocked the Pei Wei website today. Yes, you heard me correctly, they blocked a fucking restaurant website. I guess people were spending too much time debating between the wonton soup and the lettuce wraps. It sure is starting to feel a lot like East Germany circa 1965 at my office. If anyone can help me get over the wall, let me know. Danke. FML

5. I used to watch one to two movies a week, and I had a nice little give and take going with Netflix. However, the movie I finally watched the other night (The Visitor) had been at my house since October 28, 2008. I essentially paid $20 for this fucking movie. Don’t get me wrong, it was a solid flick, not $20 solid, but definitely worth watching. I really need to get a break from Tivo and wean myself off of these shitty reality shows, so that I have time for some thought provoking cinema. I need less VH1 and more IFC. FML

4. A random dude on a web conferencing demonstration was looking at my webcam video and asked if I played football. I wasn’t really sure how to take that. Was he saying that I’m fat? Do I have a big head? Are my eyes glazed over from too many concussions? Was I wearing shoulder pads? How exactly do you respond to something like that? “Yeah, I played when I was eight, how’d you know?” Dick! FML

3. I’m pretty sure I’d make an awful activist. To be an activist you need to actually care enough about something to take action. A couple of weeks ago some fuckbutt in my neighborhood horked my recycle bin. Look, I try and do my part by separating my glass, plastic and paper from the other refuse we produce, but if I have to actually do internet research to find out who's my recycling provider and then make a phone call to get a new bin for $10, we are starting to go beyond my level of commitment to the cause.

However, to be a good person, and more importantly avoid the green guilt of my very green centric brother, I did the leg work. (In my Jerry Seinfeld voice) “What’s with the size of these recycle bins? I put in one empty milk gallon and it’s full. They give us a full size garbage can, shouldn’t we get a full size recycle bin? I’m, just saying.”. Let’s just hope someone doesn’t steal this one or else its back to giving Al Gore the finger and sending everything straight to the landfill. FML

2. My wife got her bonus last week, and we also got a nice chunk of change back from our taxes, but instead of saving it for something like our retirement, Maggie’s education or my pending mid-life crisis, she wants to use it for hardwood floors and a new car. I used to be a frugal motherfucker, who wouldn’t even pay full price for a Big Mac, but over the years the old lady has beaten me down, and now we spend money like Kid Rock at a strip club. I will try and suggest that she picks one or the other, but in the end I know that she’ll come home from work with that new car smell on her as she clip-clops across our new hardwood floors. FML

1. I am supposed to get out of work at 4:00, but people occasionally schedule meetings for me after hours and I just can’t say no. I’ve always been a pleaser, so even if it means inconveniencing me, I will usually go the extra mile. Like that time in high school when I went out with this car stereo guy I met at the mall, and then he took advantage of me in the dugout at the little league field. I wanted to say no, but instead I just stared at the ceiling and took it. Wait, that wasn’t me, that was Jennifer Jason Leigh in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. I guess not being able to say no, and dating guys with bitchin’ cars is just something we have in common. FML

I know what you’re thinking, if these are the biggest problems in this guy’s life he is doing pretty well. And you’d be right. I don’t have a lot to complain about, but do you really want to read about how I fart rainbows, piss rivers of gold, and my nipples taste like Hershey Kisses? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
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