Timing is Everything

This entry may be on the emascluate side, but it's posts like this that keep the women folk coming back for more. If you have a penis, please come back later in the week and I'll try and get my balls out of my wife's purse and write a proper post. Every now and then I get asked how we met and the short answer is "in college", but here is the long answer.

Freshman Year
I first met Amy when she stopped by my place of employment, the immortal Pizza Palace, on her way to tanning. That pretty much sums up where our priorities were at the time. I was slaving behind a deli counter to pay for school and she was artificially sunning herself. I hated her financial freedom , but I loved her sweet little booty. Her friend from high school was dating my roommate, or as dating is called in college, bumping uglies. (Amy's least favorite term for coitus, which is my least favorite term for oh, let's go with fucking)

So they dropped in to enjoy my witty banter. The only problem was that my jaw was broken and wired shut, essentially rendering me an idiotic mute like Harpo Marx. The meeting was brief and included a lot of nodding and smiling from my end of the conversation. Even though my penis was in my high school girlfriend's purse back in Slippery Rock, something clicked for me. The same can not be said for Amy. Later that semester she went to a formal with my other roommate, and I did have a fleeting tinge of jealousy, but it was completely unfounded and passed quickly.

Sophomore Year
I got a new set of roommates and guess whose picture was proudly on display atop one of their dressers? That's right, none other than my future bride. I really should have tried to hook up with more Catholic girls in college, instead of hanging around with all of the Jewish chicks who laughed at my menial blue-collar job, my goyishe farm boy looks and piece of shit car. I guess J.A.P.'s just don't appreciate the beauty of a kick ass Chevette. That car was built like Michelle Rodriguez, light brown and tough as nails. Sophomore year came and went, and I spent most of it flirting with an ugly girl, while Amy and my roommate floated around like Ross and Rachel before they went on "a break".

Junior Year
At the last second, a friend of mine decided to live on-campus, thus opening up a room for me in an off-campus apartment. Guess who was in the apartment on the floor below me? That's right, none other than that tramp, Amy. I know you're all thinking, this is perfect, this must be where he closes the deal, this is where the magic happened. Not exactly.

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I had met a girl over the summer while I was working at Kennywood, and my penis was in her purse up at State College that fall. By the way, my Kennywood gig was as a fry-guy at the Potato Patch, and I made $4.10 an hour, but it was one of those kick ass summers that could have been made into a great 80's movie starring Andrew McCarthy. The tagline could have been: They thought they'd be friends forever, but forever couldn't last.

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Oh wait, that was the tagline for "St. Elmos Fire". The real tagline could have been: Sinking fries by day, drinking guys by night. See what happens when fun in the sun turns into intoxicated delights on hot crazy nights.

Quote of that summer: "Yinz guys ride dat Still Phantom yet? That's one bitchin' coaster-n-at, fills like yer goin' ta go dahn into da grahnd, but then ya don't."

Best use of a sick day that summer: I called off work because I was in the lazy river at Sand Castle water park.

Back to junior year. By spring semester, I had begun hanging out quite a bit with Amy and her roommates. I even took a "Death and Dying" class just to spend more time with the ladies. 5 Stages of grief according to Kübler-Ross...and go: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. *Jumps up and does crotch-chops while yelling suck it bitches* I also made excuses, like wanting to watch Guiding Light with them, so that I could evoke my charms on any takers, but there weren't any takers, and I don't really have many charms to evoke, so yeah, that didn't really pan out. At least not yet, stay tuned...

Senior Year

Actually, the summer before Senior year, Amy's boy from Sophomore year and I had become pretty good friends. One night after the bars closed we drove out to Amy's house and ended up crashing in her bed, while she slept upstairs. In the morning I met my future father-in-law for the first time. Knowing we were hung over, he made us burnt bacon and dry white toast sandwiches to further our dehydration and intensify our hangovers. Then he went out back and did some yard work. A truly professional move, and one that I need to remember when the suitors come calling for Maggie. Passive-aggressive perfection.

Back at school in the fall, Amy and I started hanging out again. We went to a Saturday afternoon swimmer party, and just got jacked up. We were so messed up we took a cab home early and hung out in my buddy's room. Amy finally had enough of my aloofness, and planted one on me. This is where it gets weird. We hooked up for a bit and then we drove out to Loch Raven Reservoir and hugged, then drove back to the apartment. To this day I'm not sure why this little road trip took place. Maybe I just needed to hug a girl in the woods near a large body of water to make our union offical. Whatever happened at that reservoir it must have worked because we have been inseparable since.

I tell this tale today, because thirteen years ago, the Mrs. and I tied the knot. A lot of things had to come together perfectly in order for our little twist of fate to pan out, but for whatever reason the stars aligned and smiled upon us. Just over 2 years later we were married. Now, I'm not saying we were too young when we got hitched, but here is a picture of Amy in her wedding dress.

Then just a few decades later we had our first child. Here is a picture of Amy just after giving birth.

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Ok, I think I finally found my balls again, so I am going to wrap this up, go lift some weights, eat a 22 ounce steak and watch Die Hard to get my testosterone back up. Oh yeah, one last thing:

LET'S GO PENS!!!