Reality Check

Time to put the dirty laundry on the table. Put it on the table! (Bill Burr fans you'll get that one) The first step is admitting that I have a problem. Friends and family I need your help. I am a reality tv junkie and I can't stop by myself.

I've been a junkie since 1992 when the first Real World season aired. I have not missed a single season including Road Rules and all of the challenges like the Inferno and the Gauntlett. I try to hide my addiction, but the guilt and shame only leads to more reality watching. Even my Tivo was like "Dude seriously, you're 36 and a father, should you really be asking me to record the second season of Rock of Love?" Well I watched the entire first season, it's kind of tough to stop using now. I wonder if Dr. Drew from Celebrity Rehab or the counselers on Intervention could help me stop watching this crap.

Ok, deep breath...
Here is a list of shows that I watch regularly or have watched regularly in the past:
Airline
Amazing Race
American Casino
American Chopper
Amish in the City
Average Joe
Bands on the Run
Bands Reunited
Breaking Bonaduce
Celebrity Rehab
Cops
Deadliest Catch
Dirty Jobs
Everest
Family Plots
Flavor of Love
Flip this House
Fraternity Life
Gene Simmons Family Jewels
Ice Road Truckers
Inked
Intervention
Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency
Jon and Kate Plus 8
Kathy Griffin My Life on the D List
Keeping up with the Kardashians
LA Ink
Last Comic Standing
Little People, Big World
Made
Miami Ink
Moving Up
My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance
My Fair Brady
Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica
Paradise Hotel
Project Greenlight
Real Housewives of the OC
Real World
Real World/Road Rules Challenges
Road Rules
Rock of Love
Sorority Life
Super Nanny
Surreal Life
Survivor
Temptation Island
The Apprentice
The Ashlee Simpson Show
The Bachelor
The Bachelorette
The Joe Schmo Show
The Next Food Network Star
The Restaurant
The Swan
Tommy Lee Goes to College
Top Chef
Trading Spaces
True Life

I'm sure I am missing quite a few from that list, but there it is in black and white. My addiction. Wow, that is a bit worse than I expected. I guess when you're a reality tv junkie you never realize how bad it is until you get help. (Queue intervention music)

There is one glaring omission from that list: American Idol. I know most of you probably watch it, but the music snob in me won't let me watch this marketing driven karaoke contest. Let's find someone attractive with a little stage presence and then we'll give them a makeover, teach them how to sing well enough that we can use pro-tools in the studio to fix their pitch and then give them a bunch of pre-written songs and they'll make a ton of money because Americans want entertainers not artists. Which is fine, but give me Ryan Adams and Ben Harper and you can keep your flavors of the month Ruben Studdard and Fantasia Barino. (Jumps off of soap box)

I guess I can't really judge anyone seeing as I used to watch the uber-embarassing train wreck Ashlee Simpson show. (Side note) One of the best celebrity couple's names: Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz = Ash Wentzday. Which happened to be yesterday, I hope all of you Catholics out there got your forehead smeared. Maybe I should get rid of reality tv for Lent? Hmmm, believers making a scrifice for 40 days leading up to Jesus dying on the cross for our sins, me giving up reality tv. That seems about even.

If only Christ would come back to earth, then we could have a reality show called Keeping up with Christ or Top Savior or the Surreal Afterlife or Disciples Reunited or Pimp my Cross or The Bachelor. No pressure ladies you're only trying to impress the son of God. If you did not receive the body of Christ tonight, please take a moment and say your goodbyes. Then you see the one crazy disgruntled woman outside the mansion crying "Just because I'm not a virgin like his mother, and because I didn't know his middle initial was H, doesn't mean he had to let me go. I really felt like we had a connection."

I may need to follow in the footsteps of the great Ron Bennington (Radio host on Ron & Fez) and just stop watching all reality shows where someone gets voted off. Once I eliminate those shows I can then start to drill down further and eliminate all shows where they follow around a celebrity. I know it's a 12 step program, but I'm now past the first step and hopefully I can just take it Step by Step. Great 90's sitcom by the way, ok, great may be stretching it, but I'm sure I could overcome my addiction in 30 minutes or less if Patrick Duffy and Suzanne Somers were my parents.

Wish me luck!