The sickness has gripped the Crawford house. Amy, Maggie and I, all laying in bed at 6:00 in the morning coughing like we're at a cystic fibrosis foundation meeting. Hacking up flem like a scene from "The Exorcist" and waking up with throats hurting worse than a $2 whore on spring break.
Which brings me to my nasal spray dilemma. It says on the bottle do not use for more than 3-5 days. After 4 days of breathing freely I stop using it, and the oompa loompas in my head go into snot production overdrive. I suffer for 4 days and now I am back on the spray. My dilemma is; How long do you have to wait to start using it again? Will I become addicted? Is it going to jack up my nasal passages? My inner hypochondriac is running wild with possible side effects, but for now I am back on the juice. Maybe I really did catch something in New Orleans. (If you have any advice leave me a comment.)
Gay men who have crushes on hunky straight actors suffered two blows this week. Well, probably more than that, but I'm talking about the loss of actors Brad Renfro and Heath ledger. Renfro can be seen dancing at a gay bar in just his whitey-tighties with other underage teases in the film "Bully", and Ledger, well you know where I'm going with this one. Fingers crossed and pants around the ankles, Jake Gyllenhall and shirtless wonder Matthew McConaughey are still alive, so all is not lost. Although, I guess if you're a star-loving necrophiliac you're having the best week ever! And don't think I forgot about you, Suzanne Pleshette. When you said you'd die to have a threesome with Renfro and Ledger I guess you meant it. Make it happen Mrs. Newhart.
Finally, I'll leave you with a little advice my grandfather gave me when I was in first grade.
"Son, if you see a tall man dressed in yellow being followed by a monkey, fear not, they are just curious. If they try and kiss both you and your girlfriend, fear not, they are just bi-curious. If the man dressed in yellow starts hitting his little buddy, fear not, sometimes a man just needs to spank the monkey. And last but not least, if you see only one set of footprints in the sandbox, fear not, that is where the lord carried you. Now go get me a beer so I can work up the courage to bang your grandmother."
Ok, is it weird that the Jack Johnson "Curious George" soundtrack came on as I was writing that last paragraph? That's an 11 in 7832 chance. My iPod really scares me sometimes.
Quote of the week:
"I'm back, like a bad penny!"
- Jeff Conaway
Celebrity Rehab
1 comment:
Since you're on the juice, might as well go all the way. Give Brian McNamee a call and get The Clear and HGH while you're at it. If you ever get tested at work for over production (in your case, not too likely but you never know - hey, I might win the US Open someday; YOU NEVER KNOW!) you can just pull the Barry Clemens line - "I've never seen that in my life and that isn't even me!" But Mr. Bonds, we have a wall sized poster of your size 15 head clearly doing the blow, what do you have to say about that? As Shaggy so eloquently states, "Wasn't me!" And now the best one, good 'ol Sly pops in with his 2 cents on the subject and says that HGH will be like asprin in 10 yrs. I think we should all be good with that. Power to the juice!
Post a Comment