Ride On

Spring fever was in full swing this weekend, as the weather has finally changed from the cold that makes your balls hibernate and mounds of snow that would give Tony Montana a hard on to sunny days that make you want to roll down the window and blast a little Tom Petty.

The wife and I decided to take the knee-biter over to the in-laws to enjoy some of the afore mentioned sun. Apparently, the girl next door had a birthday party going on, so kids littered the street like Mexicans at the State Fair, and as court ordered I stayed back 500 feet from the rugrats at all times.

I enjoyed an adult beverage on the porch and watched this little munchkin ride his big wheel down the big hill over and over again. Then, his daredevil buddy got on without a helmet and the Kate Gosselin wannabe in charge lost her fucking mind. "No! No! No! Stop! Stop! Stop! You have to wear a helmet!!!". She was running so fast that the friction caused by her hail damaged thighs almost made her spill her Mike's Hard Lemonade.

Look I get it, kids need to be protected and I will probably make my daughter wear a helmet even when she takes a shit on the big girl toilet because I'm a child-worshipping asshole like everyone else these days, but it made me think back to my childhood when nobody wore a helmet except the slow kids and the pussies who had those over-protective Moms.

We used to attach a pipe to our bikes, stuff it with toilet paper, light it on fire and then ride down the hill hitting a board propped up on a cinder block going 20 miles an hour, and there were no helmets involved. Evel Knievel and Fonzie could suck my pre-pubescent dick when I rolled down that hill on my Huffy, and if I went ass over elbows into the grass then so be it.

There was one kid in my friend's neighborhood, who really needed a helmet though. He was one of those kids who was in general population at school, but really should have been in special-ed. The type of kid who took shop eight periods a day, but couldn't build a simple fucking box if his life depended on it. One day we're hanging out and we hear this clank, clank clank, and then we see a horse dragging a fucking bicycle down the street. Ten minutes later this kid comes limping by all jacked up and bleeding. This Darwin award winner tied his bike to his horse. It must have been a gold star day in the Eisler household. Boy wonder was well on his way to a life bagging groceries at Safeway.

Now if you'll excuse me I need to look into buying a new bike, some wood and a cinder block.