Ordinary Average Guy

Time for yet another installment of the 19 things I think I know, or more appropriately shit I observe or think about from time to time.

1. If my ankle doesn't start to heal soon, I fear I'll be walking like Ratso from Midnight Cowboy for the rest of my life.

2. Johnny Weir won't discuss his sexuality, but I'm betting that he has an asshole like the Holland Tunnel, not that there's anything wrong with that.

3. What's over 5 feet tall, white, and irritating as hell to look at several days in a row?

Answer: The snow in my driveway, although I also would have accepted Bob Costas.

4. My wife and I had lunch on her one day off alone. I think it might be time to join co-dependency anonymous.

5. At 38 trying to finish before your toddler walks into the bedroom is almost as difficult as being 16 and trying not to finish before your girlfriend walks into the bedroom.

6. The Pens are good enough to win the cup again, but I'm not sure if they are consistent enough to get it done this year. (Nothing humorous or interesting here, just the last time I predicted the Steelers would lose in the playoffs and they won it all, so I'm hoping for the same result.)

7. When a large black man and a Paula Dean look-alike are having brunch together and she says to him "You can get whatever you want on the menu" and he orders mimosas, there is definitely some Grandma cougar pay-to-play going on.

8. My daughter asked me what the Kinks song "Lola" was about, and instead of saying sometimes Daddy's dress up like Mommy's, I just said it was about a girl who liked Coca-cola. She said she didn't like girls who drank Coca-cola. Maybe I should have gone the other way.

9. Jesus is Mexican. No, not the lord and savior, I'm talking about the chef at the Japanese restaurant they tried to pass off as Asian last night.

10. Modern Family is my favorite sitcom these days. Phil (The Dad) talking to his kids about Jagermeister: "You know how in a fairy tale there's always a potion that makes the princess fall asleep and then the guys start kissing her? Well, this is like that except you don't wake up in a castle — you wake up in a frat house with a bad reputation."

11. After the Georgian luger died at the Olympics they moved the men's starting position down to where the women start. Do they think that hitting a steel pole at 75 miles an hour rather than 90 miles an hour would have made a difference?

12. I find Native American culture extremely fucking annoying.

13. My wife doesn't consider discussing my favorite South Park moments appropriate foreplay. (For the record it was the one where Randy was on Wheel of Fortune. YouTube it if you don't know what I'm talking about.)

14. I don't know which was better the music or Jeff Bridges in Crazy Heart.

15. Getting a snow day where you can drink beer and watch movies = awesomeness. Getting a snow day where you drink root beer and watch 10 straight hours of Barney = the exact opposite of awesomeness.

16. My size 40 "skinny" jeans are starting to get tight and I can almost fit a stack of quarters into my belly-button, so it might finally be time for the diet and exercise regimen to kick in.

17. I had a dream that I lived in a housing project and I was discussing with a neighbor how I didn't think that black chick's had nice tits. Unbelievably, I wasn't able to find this in Freud's book "The Interpretation of Dreams".

18. My brother-in-law booked a hotel room on the Vegas strip for three nights and the total was $56. Something tells me that I'm either going to end up in a bathtub full of ice missing a kidney or ass-raped and left for dead by the street gang MS-13. (Big props to the History Channel's Gangland for that last reference)

19. Per Chad Dukes on 106.7 the Fan "If you are out on the snowy roads and you have your hazards on, guess what, YOU ARE THE FUCKING HAZARD!" Truer words have never been spoken.

So that's what has been on my mind lately. Now if you'll excuse me I need to look into purchasing a bio-hazard protection suit for this Vegas trip.